Ride The Wild Smurf

Another archived post from yesteryear. Written in September 2003. Time flies when you're having fun.

The post was in response to an article in the Gambit Daily. Here in N'awlins. It was written off-the-cuff one night, after yours truly had dealt with a bevy of passive-aggressive types during the day. The reproduction has been certified by the author, yours truly.

And here's Johnny, er, here it is:


Yes, I remember when the article debuted, and how we were all excited down here in N'awlins.But I took exception to some of the entries on the list. The list is soooooo long-here's the recap of disagreement.

1) Best Director Directing Locally:Although Ricky Graham is a major talent, my vote goes to Alan Smithee. Yes, Ricky is perhaps best known as the writer and director of quintessential New Orleans productions such as And the Ball and All and The Black and White Blues, but Alan has repeatedly outworked and outclassed him. With his stellar films which include "Zombie Team Members" and "Passive Agressive World," Smithee's the pick here.

2) Best Gentlemen's/Strip Club "Rick's" is first class but I've got to go with "Alan Smithee's Cabaret." Well known for its lap dances. But be sure and call before you go. The Cabaret is not always open. ( see local law enforcement agencies for further details )

3) Best Place to Karaoke Yes, we like "The Cat's Meow on Bourban Street," but "Cat's Potpurri on Hellwhole Blvd." is the best place to karaoke

4) Best Vietnamese Restaurant Gotta disagree with "Won Hung Lo" on Tulane Ave. Gotta go with "Vietnamcatfish's Golden Pond." Serving its world-renowned basa. And try the terrormisu cake for dessert. Only $.79 on Wednesday's. [ unfortunately, time has expired on this one ] Thursday nite is kids nite, affectionately known as rowdy kids nite. Only $.99. Heliyum balloons free with any purchase.

5) Best Mexican Restaurant Forget "Taqueria Corona." "Sandy Fajites" is "where it's at." Serving Sandy's famous margaritas, well-known for their kale garnish.

6) Best College Hangout: "Das Boot." Seating is cramped at the German club, and some kids complain of claustrophobia. Famous for its subs. Bona petite!

7) Best Actress Working Locally Yes, Becky Allen is a New Orleans icon and an ebullient diva. She has been a beloved local favorite for years, but she doesn't rest on her laurels. Allen continues to be one of the hardest-working local actresses, and her recent turn in Dirty Blonde showed her dramatic chops, with turns both as Mae West and a fan of Mae West. So true but my pick is: Heather Godelegate, whose daily performance in "Ride The Wild Smurf," another Smithee Production, has got to be the best actress working locally. Breast, er, best wishes, Heather.

8) Best Ladies' Night The Dock has a great ladies night but Otis Redding's "Dock of the Bay" is still the place for me and my friends. Place is really packed and Otis runs a tight ship, but is sometimes caught short-handed with staff. One night I heard the barkeep mumble, "I can't do what ten people tell me to do, so, I guess, I remain the same."

9) Best Place to Get a Bloody Mary H-a-double r-i-g-a-n spells Harrigan ( aka Pat O'Brien's ) but O'Malley's is the in place these days. With interesting characters unlike any other.

10) Best Place to Dance to a Live Band: "Farewell and Adieu," strategically located on-where else-Hell Whole Blvd.

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. You may now disembark the nite train [ apologies to Guns N' Roses ] Allah Bored.