I am late in writing what I'm thankful for. Here goes:
I am thankful for the classic movies from yesteryear. Specifically, the black and white ones from back inna day. Casablanca, the Maltese Falcon, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon come to mind.
I am thankful for my barber. Even tho he's in his twenties, we share some interests. From the Fab 4 to Texas Hold'Em.
I am thankful for old Betsy, my Buick Park Avenue circa 1997. She's roomy which fits my 6'5 inch frame just right. She's showing her age. The paint, which is flaking especially in her rear, has fielded a few comments that perhaps old Betsy could be featured in an ad for Chick Fil-A. Ouch. Needless to say, it hurt her feelings. Mine too.
I am thankful for Chicago, not the city, but the band. They are now my favorite band-well, second place-cos nobody compares to the Fab 4. For them not to be in the R/R HOF is a travesty.
I am thankful for my two sons.
I am thankful for Rock, who peruses my forays into the infantile on a daily basis.
I am thankful to have missed the Thanksgiving Holidays via a well-known cafeteria chain. Nuff said.
I must have worked at least 25 years ( inna row ) on TGiving.
I am thankful for James Bond via Sean Connery. And the soundtracks that accompanied the movies.
I am thankful for da Stones and their creation of "Gimme Shelter." A tune that would help give me inspiration to write those forays into the mercantile, er, infantile back-where else-inna day.
I am thankful for Larry Bird and the Celtics of the 80's. McHale, Parrish, DJ et al. And that I got to watch their playoff struggles.
I am thankful for old Betsy's mama, whose name happened to be old Betsy as well. She was an 86 olds 98, and the only car I've ever had that had some git up and go. RIP old betsy's mom old betsy.
I am last but not least thankful for Golden Pond, my blog of almost ten years. A chronicle and diary of my pursuits, dreams, and failures.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Monday, October 28, 2013
"Stella Lieback"
I noticed Stella Lieback is mentioned in my most viewed top ten at the top of Golden Pond. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad is a new entry as well.
I'm wondering "who in Hades is Stella Lieback?" I had to click on it-to find out who this ignominious person was or is. Lo and behold, she is the infamous "McDonalds Coffee Lady" who was awarded millions of dollars. For injuries incurred while buying hot java.
I'm sure she is enjoying heaven's coffee now. Good to the last drop.
P.S. The Bosox just won game 5 of the World Series. They are now up 3-2. And whatever happened to the curse of the bambino? Will it rear its ugly head in the near future?
P.S.S. The Braves, via Atlanta, whiffed again in the playoffs. Nuff said, eh?
P.S.S.S. The original post from 2005 concerning Ms. Lieback.
I'm wondering "who in Hades is Stella Lieback?" I had to click on it-to find out who this ignominious person was or is. Lo and behold, she is the infamous "McDonalds Coffee Lady" who was awarded millions of dollars. For injuries incurred while buying hot java.
I'm sure she is enjoying heaven's coffee now. Good to the last drop.
P.S. The Bosox just won game 5 of the World Series. They are now up 3-2. And whatever happened to the curse of the bambino? Will it rear its ugly head in the near future?
P.S.S. The Braves, via Atlanta, whiffed again in the playoffs. Nuff said, eh?
P.S.S.S. The original post from 2005 concerning Ms. Lieback.
Friday, October 04, 2013
How to Make the Proper Burrito Gone Viral
Is there anything more frustrating than a bad burrito?
Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.
In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.
In an article titled, “Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:
Top Photo Courtesy of Medium
Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.
In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.
In an article titled, “Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:
“Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.”Check out the rest of the hilarious rant, and pray you never receive a burrito that upsets you this much.
Top Photo Courtesy of Medium
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On a lighter note, the Braves looked like the Braves of the 2000's last night. Will the Braves win a game. Prediction: Braves win this series!
On a lighter note, the Braves looked like the Braves of the 2000's last night. Will the Braves win a game. Prediction: Braves win this series!
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
Go Braves
It's that time of the year....again. Playoff time. Will there be success for the Bravos, or will it be more of the same? More heart wrenching defeats.
Our opponent in this series is the Los Angeles Dodgers, Where in Chavez Ravine, it seems you take your life into your own hands while viewing and exiting the games. We're the underdogs, even tho we have home field advantage.
The Braves and Dodgers had a heated rivalry back in the early 80's. When Joltin' Joe Torre was the skipper for Hotlanta, and Tommy Lasorda managed the men in blue. But as Neil Young once penned: "time fades away," and that's what happened between the two clubs.
Instead of Dusty Baker, Ron "Penguin" Cey, Steve Garvey, Steve Howe and Steve Sux, er, Sax, vs.
"Whiskers" Glenn Hubbard, Dale Murphy, Rick Camp, and Knucksie this time it's Clayton Kershaw, Hyun-jinRyu, and Yasiel Puig vs Freddie Freeman, Brian McCann, Greg Kimbrel, and the Upton brothers. With Terry Pendleton as the Beaver, uh, the hot headed first base coach.
Who'd a thunk it?
Clayton Kershaw is not a baseball name. With that moniker he should be selling mutual funds. Hyun-jin Ryu sounds like something in the bottom of your egg drop soup, and Yasiel Puig, an animal best cooked outdoors and in the ground.
It all starts Thursday. Kershaw vs. Medlen. I will be awaiting the series with baited breath.
Will it be more of the same, or is the World Series in our future?
Our opponent in this series is the Los Angeles Dodgers, Where in Chavez Ravine, it seems you take your life into your own hands while viewing and exiting the games. We're the underdogs, even tho we have home field advantage.
The Braves and Dodgers had a heated rivalry back in the early 80's. When Joltin' Joe Torre was the skipper for Hotlanta, and Tommy Lasorda managed the men in blue. But as Neil Young once penned: "time fades away," and that's what happened between the two clubs.
Instead of Dusty Baker, Ron "Penguin" Cey, Steve Garvey, Steve Howe and Steve Sux, er, Sax, vs.
"Whiskers" Glenn Hubbard, Dale Murphy, Rick Camp, and Knucksie this time it's Clayton Kershaw, Hyun-jinRyu, and Yasiel Puig vs Freddie Freeman, Brian McCann, Greg Kimbrel, and the Upton brothers. With Terry Pendleton as the Beaver, uh, the hot headed first base coach.
Who'd a thunk it?
Clayton Kershaw is not a baseball name. With that moniker he should be selling mutual funds. Hyun-jin Ryu sounds like something in the bottom of your egg drop soup, and Yasiel Puig, an animal best cooked outdoors and in the ground.
It all starts Thursday. Kershaw vs. Medlen. I will be awaiting the series with baited breath.
Will it be more of the same, or is the World Series in our future?
Sunday, September 15, 2013
"Ketchup" and "Trivia"
I just don't have the time to concoct forays into the infantile like I once did. We misses it we do. It's me precious. Or something like that.
Anyhoo. The Falcons play against the Rams today. Looking for our first victory of the season-including the preseason. Methinks we do it.
Johnny Football was unable to pull a hare out of his butt-rabbit out of his hat-in losing to the Tide yesterday. I'm waiting with baited breath for the SEC championship game where the Dawgs demolish the Crimson.
My pick for the Super Bowl. The NY Jets, of course. Maybe we should rethink this one.
Forays into the infantile was coined by yours truly. Speaking of coinage, my son reminded me that he once worked with me on a Rowdy Kids Nite at Hell Whole back in the day. And it was definitely rowdy every Thursday nite. And whatever happened to Briggs, my dm. A man's got to know his limitations.
Speaking of Briggs, here's an old story from back in the day-written by yours truly while helping out Alan Smithee, who happened to be an alias of mine.
vietnamcatfish • Oct 24, 2003 11:29
Chili Today/Hot Tamale II.Brought to you this week by v.c., subbing for Alan Smithee, who is currently engaged with his gig at Cat's Potpurri in N'awlins. Alan's recreation of the Elvis phenomena has been a huge suckcess. Alan secretly confided in me that his set includes "I Got Stung," "In the Ghetto," and "Heartbreak Hotel." Without further pomp and circumstance, here's yet another edition of the Alan Smithee Trivia Challenge.
Here goes!
1) What is R juice?
a) a last-ditch attempt to save the company by Ronnie, before he embraced change. Selling for $.99 and appearing with his likeness on the bottle, R juice, a cornucopia of fruits, was to be sold at Pic's everywhere in the USA.
b) Short for Rowdy juice. Invented by v.c. and to be sold only to kids.
c) another idea stolen from v.c. Another entry into the cola wars.
d) au jus
2) The song, "It's Only The > Beginning," was written by
a) Chicago Transit Authority
b) Curly Joe Howard
c) Count Lippe
d) Jack MacGregor
3) Who has repeated this phrase the most often? source Guiness Book of World Records. 10-12 pound turkey, two quarts of dressing, a quart of giblet gravy, and a pint of frozen, er, cranberry sauce!
a) hootsbuddie
b) Joe Cocker
c) Betty Crocker
d) alan smithee
4) Hoots has introduced the bored to many in a series of weblogs. He failed to mention his own. What is its name?
a) Hoots the archivester
b) Blogged down
c) got lubys
d) Hoots' Blogna
5) Who recently ribbed his ex fellow team member by using the stereotypical and politically incorrect watermelon and fried chicken? And quickly found himself in a heap of trouble. Was it?:
a) Junior Seau
b) Tom Tryon
c) Buster Crabbe
d) Hoss Cartwright
e) didacticdaddy
7) Who wrote "Stray Cat Blues?"
a) Brian Setzer
b) Auric Goldfinger
c) Gram Parsons
d) vietnamcatfish
8) If your health insurance doubles at work what is the best course of action?
a) buy a few more bottles of KY jelly
b) marry a school teacher
c) find another job
d) rent the movie "Goldfinger" at your local blockbuster and ask if they sell lubricants as well.
9) Which process is the most unsanitary?
a) storing raw chicken over cooked foods
b) not washing your hands after using the bathroom
c) discreetly picking your nose after uttering the phrase, "Serve You?"
d) preparing cornbread dressing in a bambareen ( bain marie )
10) With talks of bankruptcy, chapter 11 filing, et al what current movie aptly reflects the mood of the denizens of PIC.
a) Cabin Fever
b) Lost in Translation
c) House of the Dead
d) Intolerable Cruelty
e) Mambo Italiano
f) Matchstick Men
g) Louisiana Chainsaw Massacre h) all of the above
11) What really brought down the PIC as well as the Bosox?
a) Not selling chicken tenders to kids
b) Too much beef liver and onions
c) curse of the bambino
d) curse of the bambareeno
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. You may now disembark the nite train. All laborde P.S.S. And for Alan and his bridge over troubled waters.... ..
Anyhoo. The Falcons play against the Rams today. Looking for our first victory of the season-including the preseason. Methinks we do it.
Johnny Football was unable to pull a hare out of his butt-rabbit out of his hat-in losing to the Tide yesterday. I'm waiting with baited breath for the SEC championship game where the Dawgs demolish the Crimson.
My pick for the Super Bowl. The NY Jets, of course. Maybe we should rethink this one.
Forays into the infantile was coined by yours truly. Speaking of coinage, my son reminded me that he once worked with me on a Rowdy Kids Nite at Hell Whole back in the day. And it was definitely rowdy every Thursday nite. And whatever happened to Briggs, my dm. A man's got to know his limitations.
Speaking of Briggs, here's an old story from back in the day-written by yours truly while helping out Alan Smithee, who happened to be an alias of mine.
vietnamcatfish • Oct 24, 2003 11:29
Chili Today/Hot Tamale II.Brought to you this week by v.c., subbing for Alan Smithee, who is currently engaged with his gig at Cat's Potpurri in N'awlins. Alan's recreation of the Elvis phenomena has been a huge suckcess. Alan secretly confided in me that his set includes "I Got Stung," "In the Ghetto," and "Heartbreak Hotel." Without further pomp and circumstance, here's yet another edition of the Alan Smithee Trivia Challenge.
Here goes!
1) What is R juice?
a) a last-ditch attempt to save the company by Ronnie, before he embraced change. Selling for $.99 and appearing with his likeness on the bottle, R juice, a cornucopia of fruits, was to be sold at Pic's everywhere in the USA.
b) Short for Rowdy juice. Invented by v.c. and to be sold only to kids.
c) another idea stolen from v.c. Another entry into the cola wars.
d) au jus
2) The song, "It's Only The > Beginning," was written by
a) Chicago Transit Authority
b) Curly Joe Howard
c) Count Lippe
d) Jack MacGregor
3) Who has repeated this phrase the most often? source Guiness Book of World Records. 10-12 pound turkey, two quarts of dressing, a quart of giblet gravy, and a pint of frozen, er, cranberry sauce!
a) hootsbuddie
b) Joe Cocker
c) Betty Crocker
d) alan smithee
4) Hoots has introduced the bored to many in a series of weblogs. He failed to mention his own. What is its name?
a) Hoots the archivester
b) Blogged down
c) got lubys
d) Hoots' Blogna
5) Who recently ribbed his ex fellow team member by using the stereotypical and politically incorrect watermelon and fried chicken? And quickly found himself in a heap of trouble. Was it?:
a) Junior Seau
b) Tom Tryon
c) Buster Crabbe
d) Hoss Cartwright
e) didacticdaddy
7) Who wrote "Stray Cat Blues?"
a) Brian Setzer
b) Auric Goldfinger
c) Gram Parsons
d) vietnamcatfish
8) If your health insurance doubles at work what is the best course of action?
a) buy a few more bottles of KY jelly
b) marry a school teacher
c) find another job
d) rent the movie "Goldfinger" at your local blockbuster and ask if they sell lubricants as well.
9) Which process is the most unsanitary?
a) storing raw chicken over cooked foods
b) not washing your hands after using the bathroom
c) discreetly picking your nose after uttering the phrase, "Serve You?"
d) preparing cornbread dressing in a bambareen ( bain marie )
10) With talks of bankruptcy, chapter 11 filing, et al what current movie aptly reflects the mood of the denizens of PIC.
a) Cabin Fever
b) Lost in Translation
c) House of the Dead
d) Intolerable Cruelty
e) Mambo Italiano
f) Matchstick Men
g) Louisiana Chainsaw Massacre h) all of the above
11) What really brought down the PIC as well as the Bosox?
a) Not selling chicken tenders to kids
b) Too much beef liver and onions
c) curse of the bambino
d) curse of the bambareeno
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. You may now disembark the nite train. All laborde P.S.S. And for Alan and his bridge over troubled waters.... ..
Friday, August 30, 2013
Welcome Back Slippery
Glad to have you back on the Pond, Slippery. You were missed.
Thanks for the kind words. The exchange between me and Keith was somewhat factual. We would have those conversations every night at bedtime. Because we were full of testosterone and were reaching our sexual peak, we were always enamored with the likes of Ms. December, Ms. August, and Ms. Whoever.
Good talking to you on the phone. We should get together and relive old times. And reminisce of Victory, Dixie ( which might not be pc these days ) slippery gentlemen, up up and away, peanut vendor, and while we're at it, a good old John Phillip Sousa march.
And Beethoven's 5th symphony in 1/1 time.
Gimme Shelter, v.c.
Thanks for the kind words. The exchange between me and Keith was somewhat factual. We would have those conversations every night at bedtime. Because we were full of testosterone and were reaching our sexual peak, we were always enamored with the likes of Ms. December, Ms. August, and Ms. Whoever.
Good talking to you on the phone. We should get together and relive old times. And reminisce of Victory, Dixie ( which might not be pc these days ) slippery gentlemen, up up and away, peanut vendor, and while we're at it, a good old John Phillip Sousa march.
And Beethoven's 5th symphony in 1/1 time.
Gimme Shelter, v.c.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
Dear Mom
Dear Mom,
Today is your birthday. You would have been 88 today. You made 87, which was a ripe old age.
Things just haven't been the same without you.
I was at Kroger yesterday, where you got your prescriptions. Hadn't been there in a while. It was sad.
Just to update you in case you don't know:
I'm still selling seafood down by the see shore.I'm doing my shtick with the customers and making them laugh. I like to say "welcome back" to most of them, who smile for the most part. A few look incredulous. Like huh?
Mom, the Braves are doing well. In first place and way ahead of Washington. They have added a few new players. Alas, Martin Prado is no longer with the team. Freddy Freeman is having a whale of a year, and Brian McCann is starting to come on strong. It doesn't seem the same without Chipper on the team, and I still miss Bobby Cox being in the dugout.
I see Annette every now and then. She cut your hair for how many years? She loves seafood like you do.
I'm going to see "Chicago" August 17th at the amphitheater. Have been listening to their music bypassing for now ( the Fab 4 ). Some of the live stuff from back in the day on youtube is quite impressive.
So Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. Wish you were here to open your card. You always liked the ones I got you. Love, Harry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXb8ZDuICCs
Today is your birthday. You would have been 88 today. You made 87, which was a ripe old age.
Things just haven't been the same without you.
I was at Kroger yesterday, where you got your prescriptions. Hadn't been there in a while. It was sad.
Just to update you in case you don't know:
I'm still selling seafood down by the see shore.I'm doing my shtick with the customers and making them laugh. I like to say "welcome back" to most of them, who smile for the most part. A few look incredulous. Like huh?
Mom, the Braves are doing well. In first place and way ahead of Washington. They have added a few new players. Alas, Martin Prado is no longer with the team. Freddy Freeman is having a whale of a year, and Brian McCann is starting to come on strong. It doesn't seem the same without Chipper on the team, and I still miss Bobby Cox being in the dugout.
I see Annette every now and then. She cut your hair for how many years? She loves seafood like you do.
I'm going to see "Chicago" August 17th at the amphitheater. Have been listening to their music bypassing for now ( the Fab 4 ). Some of the live stuff from back in the day on youtube is quite impressive.
So Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. Wish you were here to open your card. You always liked the ones I got you. Love, Harry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXb8ZDuICCs
Friday, June 21, 2013
"Last Words?"
Saw this on Comcast.
Famous Sign-Offs
From the ironic to the absurd, see the final unforgettable
utterances of some of the world's biggest stars. —Jeff Royer (Photos:
Getty Images)
Which made me wonder what my last words might be. Perhaps....
1) How long on that white meat? ( A reference to my old job digs where it was a challenge to have enough white meat fried chicken. )
2) No, I don't need to squeeze my sponge! ( Aunt Madeline, who could pee in a steady stream for minutes coined this phrase. I witnessed her squeezing her sponge when we pulled off the road-instead of stopping at a gas station-to relieve ourselves on many jaunts to Florida and South Carolina.
3) Who did what to who? ( Or would I say who do what to whom? )
4) I'm gonna shave my head and go down the railroad backwards. ( Another Aunt Madelineism )
5) She went to Etowah Diddly. ( Ditto-Aunt Mad again. )
6) I'm so glad to know Gilligan, the Skipper, Professor, et al made it off the island.
7) Gimme Shelter.
8) Farewell and adieu.
9) I always surmised it was true. Al Gore Did invent the internet.
10) What really happened on the grassy knoll?
11) Heetomahotomastinkarinkyfarmerdinkysallybunkawinktomanipcatsingsongkittywontchacowmeoh. ( sp ). Yep. Aunt Mad again!
12) And now as tears subside, I find it all so amusing. ( Apologies to Paul Anka, Frank, and the King )
13) I should have had a V-8.
14) Leggo my eggo.
15) More cowbell. ( Apologies to Bruce Dickinson ).
16) C.mon let's twist again. Like we did last summer.
17) Gimme back my bullets. Oooh that smell. ( Apologies to Lynyrd ).
18) We're gonna need a bigger boat. ( My favorite movie of all time ).
19) I should have been more like Bill Clinton. Smoked but didn't inhale. ( Apologies to Camels 99's in the blue pack-my smoke of choice ).
20) Bonjour. ( Apologies to the French internet model in the All State or is it State Farm commercials ).
21) Bad company and I can't deny.
22) Whattdaya mean it's 15 minutes on white meat? ( Chicken livers can be substituted as well ).
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlKJ-0bnxdA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlKJ-0bnxdA
Saturday, June 08, 2013
"From 2005-Oldie but Goodie?"
Ah, the laments of a time gone by. Not sure I could write something like this today. But back in the halcyon days of 2005 this came out of me.
Me and Keith were roommates at Truck U. in the fall of 1969. We had graduated from Rowdy High three months prior to matriculating at Truck U. We lived at Paine Hall-he matriculated on the bottom bunk, and I had the top. We often reflected at night before z'ing ourselves to sleep. Here is one of our conversations.
If some of ya'll never been down South too much...
I'm gonna tell you a little bit about this, so that you'll understand
What I'm talking about
Down there we have a plant that grows out in the woods and the fields,
Looks somethin' like a turnip green.
Everybody calls it Polk salad.
Polk salad. Used to know a girl that lived down there
and she'd go out in the evenings and pick a mess of it...
Carry it home and cook it for supper,
'cause that's about all they had to eat,
But they did all right....
"Keith, you ever eat any polk salad?"
"Vee, I ain't ever had any-don't even know what in the hell it is! What made you ask me that? You're not gettin' delusional on me again, are you?"
"Nah, I'm o.k. I'm just sittin' here in my top bunk reflecting. And polk salad popped in me head."
"Get some sleep. Me and Miss June would like some privacy, if you don't mind."
"I wondered why you took your hankerchief to bed. Too bad we aren't at the Central Adult Theatre. Watching 'The Lustful Turk.' Now that was cinema verite, eh?"
"Man, that county fair tonite was a blast! Ain't nothing like the one in the big city."
"Yeah, I never saw nothin' like it. All those young girls came struttin' out of nowhere in their birthday suits. Squattin' down in front of us and showing us everything they got."
"Too bad we didn't bring flashlights like those other guys. And they [ the girls ] didn't cotton to the zippos-kept blowin' 'em out."
"Yeah, a zippo could catch a bush on fire. You can't blame 'em."
"How do you think the elections will play out?"
"I think Ted Kennedy will win again even tho he left Mary Jo to die."
"Nah, not that one. The Iraqi elections?"
"What Iraqi elections. Sadam Hussein will never be ousted."
"Maybe it was a dream then. Yes, it was. I dreamed it was 2005 and Iraqi's were exercising their right to vote. And Iraq was becoming a republic, er, democracy. And the prez of the U.S. was Bush Jr."
"Bush? You gotta quit going to the fair and fantasizing about all those girls with the flashlights and zippos."
"Keith, you think there were any homos at Rowdy High?"
"Huh? Well, maybe one or two! You sure you're o.k.? I could call the medic again."
"Do you think homos choose to be that way or is it genetic? Or it just happens?"
"Never gave it much thought cos I'm a red-blooded heterosexual. Hey, me and Miss June-we want to be alone. Go to sleep."
"My mom found my Playboys a coppola years ago, discreetly-or so I thought-tucked away in my drawers at home. I remember it well: 'Well, my son smokes, drinks, and now he looks at Playboy Magazine.' Maybe she was relieved to know I wasn't a homo."
"Go to sleep."
"Remember that stag film we saw?"
"The one with the hippie guy with the large prick? Damn thing shriveled up to nothing when he blew his load."
"I was thinking about the one where those two chicks were gettin' it on."
"Yeah, that was hot."
"How come guys like to see hot chicks doing the wild thang? You think girls want to see two guys gettin' it on?"
"Hell, no!"
"Keith, you think we'll ever get laid at Truck U.?"
"Nah. Me and Sue are waiting til we get married. But if the situation presents itself and Sue relents well....Hey, where you going?"
"Something popped up. Now where'd I put that Playboy and handkerchief? What'd you do with the vaseline?"
"Uh, here you go. I borrowed it. Let's go to Bubba's Friday night."
"Yeah! Sounds good. Drown our sorrows. G'nite."
"G'nite."
"Keith?"
"Yeah! WHAT IS IT NOW?"
"What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass.
Of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind."
"Vee, I'm calling the doctor."
"I'm okay, Keith. Continue your tryst with Miss June. G'nite, dude."
Down in Louisiana
Where the alligators grow so mean
There lived a girl that I swear to the world
Made the alligators look tame
Polk salad Annie
polk salad Annie
Everybody said it was a shame
Cause her mama was working on the chain-gang (a mean, vicious woman) ....
Me and Keith were roommates at Truck U. in the fall of 1969. We had graduated from Rowdy High three months prior to matriculating at Truck U. We lived at Paine Hall-he matriculated on the bottom bunk, and I had the top. We often reflected at night before z'ing ourselves to sleep. Here is one of our conversations.
Truck U. 5
I'm gonna tell you a little bit about this, so that you'll understand
What I'm talking about
Down there we have a plant that grows out in the woods and the fields,
Looks somethin' like a turnip green.
Everybody calls it Polk salad.
Polk salad. Used to know a girl that lived down there
and she'd go out in the evenings and pick a mess of it...
Carry it home and cook it for supper,
'cause that's about all they had to eat,
But they did all right....
"Keith, you ever eat any polk salad?"
"Vee, I ain't ever had any-don't even know what in the hell it is! What made you ask me that? You're not gettin' delusional on me again, are you?"
"Nah, I'm o.k. I'm just sittin' here in my top bunk reflecting. And polk salad popped in me head."
"Get some sleep. Me and Miss June would like some privacy, if you don't mind."
"I wondered why you took your hankerchief to bed. Too bad we aren't at the Central Adult Theatre. Watching 'The Lustful Turk.' Now that was cinema verite, eh?"
"Man, that county fair tonite was a blast! Ain't nothing like the one in the big city."
"Yeah, I never saw nothin' like it. All those young girls came struttin' out of nowhere in their birthday suits. Squattin' down in front of us and showing us everything they got."
"Too bad we didn't bring flashlights like those other guys. And they [ the girls ] didn't cotton to the zippos-kept blowin' 'em out."
"Yeah, a zippo could catch a bush on fire. You can't blame 'em."
"How do you think the elections will play out?"
"I think Ted Kennedy will win again even tho he left Mary Jo to die."
"Nah, not that one. The Iraqi elections?"
"What Iraqi elections. Sadam Hussein will never be ousted."
"Maybe it was a dream then. Yes, it was. I dreamed it was 2005 and Iraqi's were exercising their right to vote. And Iraq was becoming a republic, er, democracy. And the prez of the U.S. was Bush Jr."
"Bush? You gotta quit going to the fair and fantasizing about all those girls with the flashlights and zippos."
"Keith, you think there were any homos at Rowdy High?"
"Huh? Well, maybe one or two! You sure you're o.k.? I could call the medic again."
"Do you think homos choose to be that way or is it genetic? Or it just happens?"
"Never gave it much thought cos I'm a red-blooded heterosexual. Hey, me and Miss June-we want to be alone. Go to sleep."
"My mom found my Playboys a coppola years ago, discreetly-or so I thought-tucked away in my drawers at home. I remember it well: 'Well, my son smokes, drinks, and now he looks at Playboy Magazine.' Maybe she was relieved to know I wasn't a homo."
"Go to sleep."
"Remember that stag film we saw?"
"The one with the hippie guy with the large prick? Damn thing shriveled up to nothing when he blew his load."
"I was thinking about the one where those two chicks were gettin' it on."
"Yeah, that was hot."
"How come guys like to see hot chicks doing the wild thang? You think girls want to see two guys gettin' it on?"
"Hell, no!"
"Keith, you think we'll ever get laid at Truck U.?"
"Nah. Me and Sue are waiting til we get married. But if the situation presents itself and Sue relents well....Hey, where you going?"
"Something popped up. Now where'd I put that Playboy and handkerchief? What'd you do with the vaseline?"
"Uh, here you go. I borrowed it. Let's go to Bubba's Friday night."
"Yeah! Sounds good. Drown our sorrows. G'nite."
"G'nite."
"Keith?"
"Yeah! WHAT IS IT NOW?"
"What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass.
Of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind."
"Vee, I'm calling the doctor."
"I'm okay, Keith. Continue your tryst with Miss June. G'nite, dude."
Down in Louisiana
Where the alligators grow so mean
There lived a girl that I swear to the world
Made the alligators look tame
Polk salad Annie
polk salad Annie
Everybody said it was a shame
Cause her mama was working on the chain-gang (a mean, vicious woman) ....
Friday, May 24, 2013
"Gross! Houston Astros vendor fired after bringing snow cone tray into toilet stall"
Talk about getting caught with your pants down....literally. Sno panting in the stall, eh?
The vendor was caught with his pants down around his ankles — literally — by a good Samaritan who also happened to be using the bathroom at the time. The whistleblower switched on his cell phone to record the shocking moment, and alerted another ballpark employee (who was walking into the men's room) to the vendor's behavior. The fan also demanded to see a supervisor, adding, in an unintentionally hilarious moment:
When history looks back on the Reid Ryan era as president of the Houston Astros, no doubt it will fondly recall the first public action Nolan Ryan's son took as head honcho:
Ryan had a snow cone vendor fired — he was an employee of Aramark — for bringing the product into a toilet stall at Minute Maid Park during an Astros game earlier this week.The vendor was caught with his pants down around his ankles — literally — by a good Samaritan who also happened to be using the bathroom at the time. The whistleblower switched on his cell phone to record the shocking moment, and alerted another ballpark employee (who was walking into the men's room) to the vendor's behavior. The fan also demanded to see a supervisor, adding, in an unintentionally hilarious moment:
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Saturday, May 11, 2013
"Happy Mother's Day"
Tomorrow will be the first Mother's Day without my mom. It will be different, of course. I always got her a Hallmark card for the big day, and she always fawned over them. "You always get me the most special cards." I will miss her saying that. And I miss her dearly. It just isn't the same.
The following is a post from yesteryear. I think she liked this one and would like it today. So Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Hope things are going well in Heaven. Say hello to the gang and tell them all I will meet up with them one day.
When we first arrive in this crazy world, most moms are there to nurture us. To scold us when we do bad and to praise us when we do good. My mom was no different. The following is an IM conversation we had earlier today. Because she lives many nautical miles from the pond, me and kitty and the family weren't able to make the voyage to visit. And here's hoping she won't mind me sharing this with the world, er, PIC world.
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom."
"Alan. Is that you? So good to hear from you! How are things in N'awlins?"
"Everybody's fine, mom. We've got a big pot of jambalaya simmering on the stove. Kitty's making crawfish pie and filet gumbo as we speak."
"How is Briggs? And how are things at H.W.?"
"Briggs sends his regards and H.W. is H.W. How are you?"
"I'm fine, son. How are the little whiskersnappers, Katlin and Charlie Jr.?"
"Katlin is at the mall spending money, as usual. Charlie is perusing the streets on his Harley. He just got a new tattoo.
"Fritz, your brother, called a few minutes ago. And sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers. He couldn't talk long-he was on his way to hear Michael Moore speak at the Haight. And then he was off to order Dennis Kucinich's audio tapes at Barnes/Noble."
"Still the ultra left winger, eh, Mom."
"I'm afraid so, Alan. Poor, Fritz. He hasn't been the same since he fell out of the window onto his head in our old garage apartment back in the day. Yes, those were simpler times. I see you're still trying to engage the identity of pictruandtru. Any luck?"
"Well, I've narrowed it down to Dale Brown or Clyde the Glide Malmberg."
"I always thought he was Stromile Swift. You have become a bit redundant. Didn't you use that one once before?"
"Mom, I can't keep up with all the challenges. Since Hoots has vacated the title of Mr. Archive, it makes my job a lot harder."
"I've noticed a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your posts, lately. And, son, it's eminent domain, not imminent domain."
"Mom, you know I'm just a cafeteria manager who worked his way up from prep cook to manager at the enigmatic H.H and H.W."
"But me and your dad had such hi-hopes for you.
Communal living wasn't a fit for you. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Mom. Even tho apologies are the "in" thing these days. Everything's fine cos we're jammin' at the Potpurri. But here's wishing you the happiest of Mother's Days. I love you!"
"I love you, son. And would you please reconsider a wardrobe change. I, er, the world can see your private, er, family jewels."
"It's all show biz, Mom. Happy Mother's Day. Farewell and adieu, your son, v.c.
The following is a post from yesteryear. I think she liked this one and would like it today. So Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Hope things are going well in Heaven. Say hello to the gang and tell them all I will meet up with them one day.
When we first arrive in this crazy world, most moms are there to nurture us. To scold us when we do bad and to praise us when we do good. My mom was no different. The following is an IM conversation we had earlier today. Because she lives many nautical miles from the pond, me and kitty and the family weren't able to make the voyage to visit. And here's hoping she won't mind me sharing this with the world, er, PIC world.
"Happy Mother's Day, Mom."
"Alan. Is that you? So good to hear from you! How are things in N'awlins?"
"Everybody's fine, mom. We've got a big pot of jambalaya simmering on the stove. Kitty's making crawfish pie and filet gumbo as we speak."
"How is Briggs? And how are things at H.W.?"
"Briggs sends his regards and H.W. is H.W. How are you?"
"I'm fine, son. How are the little whiskersnappers, Katlin and Charlie Jr.?"
"Katlin is at the mall spending money, as usual. Charlie is perusing the streets on his Harley. He just got a new tattoo.
"Fritz, your brother, called a few minutes ago. And sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers. He couldn't talk long-he was on his way to hear Michael Moore speak at the Haight. And then he was off to order Dennis Kucinich's audio tapes at Barnes/Noble."
"Still the ultra left winger, eh, Mom."
"I'm afraid so, Alan. Poor, Fritz. He hasn't been the same since he fell out of the window onto his head in our old garage apartment back in the day. Yes, those were simpler times. I see you're still trying to engage the identity of pictruandtru. Any luck?"
"Well, I've narrowed it down to Dale Brown or Clyde the Glide Malmberg."
"I always thought he was Stromile Swift. You have become a bit redundant. Didn't you use that one once before?"
"Mom, I can't keep up with all the challenges. Since Hoots has vacated the title of Mr. Archive, it makes my job a lot harder."
"I've noticed a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your posts, lately. And, son, it's eminent domain, not imminent domain."
"Mom, you know I'm just a cafeteria manager who worked his way up from prep cook to manager at the enigmatic H.H and H.W."
"But me and your dad had such hi-hopes for you.
Communal living wasn't a fit for you. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, Mom. Even tho apologies are the "in" thing these days. Everything's fine cos we're jammin' at the Potpurri. But here's wishing you the happiest of Mother's Days. I love you!"
"I love you, son. And would you please reconsider a wardrobe change. I, er, the world can see your private, er, family jewels."
"It's all show biz, Mom. Happy Mother's Day. Farewell and adieu, your son, v.c.
Sunday, May 05, 2013
"Dear Cat"
It's time for a new "Dear Cat." So here we go.'
Dear Cat: I have been perusing your column for years but have noticed a paucity of posts lately. What have you been up to? Have you lost your passion for Golden Pond? In other words wherefore art thou? Signed "To be or not to be?"''
Dear R n J: I had to look up paucity on dic.com before I could answer, so ,yes, you are right kemo sabe. What have I been up to? Selling seafood down by the seashore or to be more specific, selling seafood down at the local grocer.
Instead of would you like to make that a super dilly, or would you like fries with your can't see your toes burger, I now utter would you like any shrimp with your order? Or crab legs, or surimi, or crawfish, or scallops-well, you get the drift.
I like working there, because I can do my shtick with the customers. I sometimes tell them I've been on a seafood diet all my life, or I see food differently allah a certain restaurant chain. I even get to sit down for 30 minutes for lunch without having to answer the phone or fielding queries from the staff or rowdy guests. At Hell Whole, my employment venue of 30 years, passive aggressive was a way of life. So, life is good. Perhaps my little niche in this imperfect world has been found.
Thanks for reading my column and for improving my vocabulary-one word at a time, and thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: Sorry to hear your mom passed away. How are you coping? Signed: Mother's Day is this Sunday.
Dear Mom, Mom had a good life of 87 years, but her ticker just gave out. There are many things I miss:
Her telling me when to get a haircut. And when to color my hair. "You look 10 years younger when you cut your hair and color it."
Looking for those weird items in the grocery store that took forever to find. "Can you tell me where the saffron honey cluster clusters are? And the root of cloister?"
Getting giddy when her cumodin ( sp and too lazy to look it up ) level was between 2 n 3.
Eating at the Café Pig which had really good Brunswick stew-excellent brisket and homemade banana pudding.
Missing her period, cos we were joined at the hip. What more can I say?
And thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: I have often thought that life's a ball if only you know it. and it's all just waiting for you. Do you agree? Signed C. Birdie.
Dear Conrad: Not so sure these days. As John Ono Lennon once sang: "Why in the world ( r ) we here; Shirley not to live in pain and fear?" What more can I say? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqP3wT5lpa4
Thanks for the query.
P.S. It's farewell and adieu time. methinks we need a bigger boat. Gimme shelter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry03vdJCe60
Dear Cat: I have been perusing your column for years but have noticed a paucity of posts lately. What have you been up to? Have you lost your passion for Golden Pond? In other words wherefore art thou? Signed "To be or not to be?"''
Dear R n J: I had to look up paucity on dic.com before I could answer, so ,yes, you are right kemo sabe. What have I been up to? Selling seafood down by the seashore or to be more specific, selling seafood down at the local grocer.
Instead of would you like to make that a super dilly, or would you like fries with your can't see your toes burger, I now utter would you like any shrimp with your order? Or crab legs, or surimi, or crawfish, or scallops-well, you get the drift.
I like working there, because I can do my shtick with the customers. I sometimes tell them I've been on a seafood diet all my life, or I see food differently allah a certain restaurant chain. I even get to sit down for 30 minutes for lunch without having to answer the phone or fielding queries from the staff or rowdy guests. At Hell Whole, my employment venue of 30 years, passive aggressive was a way of life. So, life is good. Perhaps my little niche in this imperfect world has been found.
Thanks for reading my column and for improving my vocabulary-one word at a time, and thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: Sorry to hear your mom passed away. How are you coping? Signed: Mother's Day is this Sunday.
Dear Mom, Mom had a good life of 87 years, but her ticker just gave out. There are many things I miss:
Her telling me when to get a haircut. And when to color my hair. "You look 10 years younger when you cut your hair and color it."
Looking for those weird items in the grocery store that took forever to find. "Can you tell me where the saffron honey cluster clusters are? And the root of cloister?"
Getting giddy when her cumodin ( sp and too lazy to look it up ) level was between 2 n 3.
Eating at the Café Pig which had really good Brunswick stew-excellent brisket and homemade banana pudding.
Missing her period, cos we were joined at the hip. What more can I say?
And thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: I have often thought that life's a ball if only you know it. and it's all just waiting for you. Do you agree? Signed C. Birdie.
Dear Conrad: Not so sure these days. As John Ono Lennon once sang: "Why in the world ( r ) we here; Shirley not to live in pain and fear?" What more can I say? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqP3wT5lpa4
Thanks for the query.
P.S. It's farewell and adieu time. methinks we need a bigger boat. Gimme shelter.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry03vdJCe60
Monday, April 15, 2013
"It's Been a While"
Haven't posted anything in a long time. For many reasons. So....
Today is Tax Day. April 15th. And I just sent mine in. Nothing like waiting til the last minute....eh?
The Braves sans Chipper Jones are off to a hot start. 11-1. My mom, one of the hugest of Braves fans, would have loved it. She would have liked the new additions. The Upton brothers and Gattis-not sure from whence he came- among others.
I went to Saturday's night game but had to leave early. Missing the 9th inning comeback. Oh well.
I'm off to work at 2 pm so this will be short.
Farewell and adieu
P.S. I would like to pen a "Dear Cat" in my next foray into the infantile.
Today is Tax Day. April 15th. And I just sent mine in. Nothing like waiting til the last minute....eh?
The Braves sans Chipper Jones are off to a hot start. 11-1. My mom, one of the hugest of Braves fans, would have loved it. She would have liked the new additions. The Upton brothers and Gattis-not sure from whence he came- among others.
I went to Saturday's night game but had to leave early. Missing the 9th inning comeback. Oh well.
I'm off to work at 2 pm so this will be short.
Farewell and adieu
P.S. I would like to pen a "Dear Cat" in my next foray into the infantile.
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
Wednesday, February 06, 2013
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
"In My Life"
I'm still missing my mom. I can't believe she's gone. She was my mom, but also a good friend who was always there for me. Even when the chips were down.
We had a lot in common. Perry Mason, Jeopardy, and the Atlanta Braves.
I'll miss watching Perry with her and pointing out the Vito Scotti's. the Dabs Greer's, the Harvey Corman's, the Julie Adam's of show business. The obscure actors that only me and film/tv critics would know.
I'll miss watching Jeopardy and amazing her when I sometimes answered the final Jeopardy question. "How did you know tasmanian devil was the answer ? I've never even heard of a tasmanian devil," she said.
I'll miss explaining the infield fly rule. And the implications of the double switch. And I'll miss her wondering why the Braves "can't hit the ball," and suffering yet another playoff defeat. And I'll miss her affection for Brooks Conrad, Brian McCain, and John Smoltz.
Yep. Death is final. That's the hard part.
We had a lot in common. Perry Mason, Jeopardy, and the Atlanta Braves.
I'll miss watching Perry with her and pointing out the Vito Scotti's. the Dabs Greer's, the Harvey Corman's, the Julie Adam's of show business. The obscure actors that only me and film/tv critics would know.
I'll miss watching Jeopardy and amazing her when I sometimes answered the final Jeopardy question. "How did you know tasmanian devil was the answer ? I've never even heard of a tasmanian devil," she said.
I'll miss explaining the infield fly rule. And the implications of the double switch. And I'll miss her wondering why the Braves "can't hit the ball," and suffering yet another playoff defeat. And I'll miss her affection for Brooks Conrad, Brian McCain, and John Smoltz.
Yep. Death is final. That's the hard part.
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