Another Archived Post/Leave It To....

Three of the Cleavers are huddled around the breakfast nook. Ward, the patriarch, is turning on his computer in the den.

June: Ward Cleaver! It's time for breakfast, honey. You can check out the bloggers later. Your food is getting cold, dear.

Wally: I think dad's tired of ethnic food from Piccadilly for breakfast, mom.

Beav: We all are, mom. Why can't we have a normal breakfast like other families?

June: Now, boys. You told me months ago that you were tired of the traditional eggs, bacon, and hash browns. Settle down and enjoy your chicken palermo. Now where is your father?

Ward: Morning! Yes, hootsbuddy's place is in full swing, even tho he experienced technical difficulties this morning and is considering hanging it up. And there's an interesting opus from Red, aka senior Pic Manager. He is quite the talent.

June: Ward Cleaver. Is that an Egg McMuffin in your bathrobe?

Ward: Huh? Now how did that mcmuffin get in my pocket? Yum, chicken palermo Pass the corn fritters, Wallace.

( There's a knock at the door )

June: Now who can that be. Lumpy? Eddie? Tooey? Gilbert? Larry Mondello? Miss Landers? Miss Rayburn? Gus?

Stranger: Good morning, madam. You don't know me. I'm new in town. And my car has a flat, my cell phone battery is dead, and I was just wondering if I could use your phone. To call AAA. Hmm, could I have one of those fritters?

Beav: The phone's in the den, mister.

Ward: What a polite young man. Like he has an evangelical air about him. An aura if you will. And well spoken. Let's ask him to stay and have breakfast.

Stranger: Thanks, folks. You have been so gracious. You appear to embody the average American family. ( notices tv set is tuned to Fox ) Madam, I love your beautiful dress. Are those pearls authentic?

Beav: Mom does the cooking and all the household chores dressed like that. Yep, we're the average American family. Beer, mister?

Ward: You'll have to excuse the beav, mister. Our neighbor, Laura Petrie, does her housework in slacks. What's the world coming to? All the old traditions are dying. And can you believe it? Gay marriage amendments on this year's ballot. BTW, I'm Ward Cleaver. This is my wife, June. And my two sons, Wallace and Theodore.

Stranger: I noticed your computer was tuned to Hootsbuddy's Place. What synchronicity. My name is....

Ward: ( Thinking to himself - Synchronicity? Where have I heard that word? Could it be vietnamcatfish? )

Stranger: ....Hootsbuddie.

Ward: THE hootster from Hootsbuddy's Place and the PIC Yahoo? Pinch me, I must be dreaming. You were the best cheerleader. Can you give us a cheer for old timesake? And it was a shame your candidate, John Kerry, lost.

Hootsbuddie: I'm sorry to let you down, but I have relinquished the rah-rah job. As to Tuesday's debacle, we're already rallying the troops for 2008. Ms. Clinton is the choice. Just think. A woman in the White House! Go figga?

June: You're not the hootsbudy with one d, are you? We don't like him, do we Ward? [ hootsbuddy's alter-ego and nemesis ]

Ward: Well, some of his jokes are fun.... ( June gives Ward a stern look ) No, we don't like him at all.

June: Ward has been distraught since you left the team, the Piccadilly team. We're worried that v.c. and Red will be next. Do you know those fellas?

Beav: V.C. and Red are off the chain!

Ward: Theodore, don't use that street slang with a guest in the house.

Beav: It's all good!

Ward: Theodore!

Hoots: I think I once had brunch with those two scalawags at a revival meeting somewhere in the deep South. The last thing I remember I was enjoying a delicious piece of pie. Then Red and v.c. donned sunglasses, and v.c. pulled from his pocket something he called a neurolizer. That's all I recall.

( There's a knock at the door. It's Eddie Haskell. )

Eddie: ( Usual pleasantries ) No, thank you Mrs. Cleaver. The chicken palermo looks delicious, but unfortunately, I just enjoyed a couple of sausage/egg biscuits from Mickey D's.

Ward: Be watchful of that extra saturated fat, Eddie. We have a celebrity in the house. Meet Mr. Hootsbuddy!

Eddie: whispers to Wally- Who's the middle-aged dude, Sam? At what exit ramp did you find the old geezer?

( Extends his hand to hoots. )

Eddie: I applaud the Cleavers' continuing tradition of helping the needy and less fortunate.

Ward: I know you'd like to stay fellas. But me and hoots have some catching up to do. Scoot! Now, hoots. I want to get your advice on some stocks. You can peruse my portfolio. And we can talk about your web log. And where you find all those interesting links. And we can cruise down to Starbacks for a latte. And you can fill me in on what's happening in Iraq.....

June: ( sighs )