"Manopause"

Dear Rock: You may have manopause. Answer these questions to find out.

1) Have you ever thought about buying a Rod Stewart shag-style toupee or joining "Hair Club for Men." You have more hair in your ears than on any part of your body-your nose is interchangeable. Have you dreamed of trading in your car for a convertible? And recently purchased a loud sports jacket?

2) You wonder if your tush looks too big in your new pair of jeans. You want to dye your gray hair but remember you don't have any to color. You're always hot and have the temperature set at 69 degrees or lower, even tho you recall Jimmy Carter suggested 78 degrees, and you feel bad about betraying the former president.

3) No one will hire you because you're 59. But, secretly, you hope they don't. The idea of living in a cardboard box under a bridge on the Interstate brings out the Daniel Boone/Lewis and Clark/Horace Greely spirit in you.

4) Have you considered piercing your ears? This is a sure sign if you once abhorred the idea, but now find it kind of chic and daring.

5) If you remember those bygone days of yesteryear of you in a leisure suit and how you looked spiffy-then yes you may be a redneck, er, you may have a bad case of manopause.

6) If you're interested in commercials about the blue pill and cialis, and you recall reading about Homo Erectus in your high school history class.

7) If you've recently used these expressions:

a) you're as old as you feel

b) age is just a number

c) I'm not getting older; I'm getting better.

d) you're as old as you feel. ( Another bad sign if you don't notice "a" and "d" are one and the same.

e) 59 is the new 39.

8) If you want to watch "Grumpy Old Men" or "Grumpier Old Men" with Matthau and Lemmon, instead of something risque on the Playboy Channel.

9) If you remember any of these celebrities of yore: Art Linkletter, Sammy Davis Jr, Bill Dana, Henny Youngmen, and Tiny Tim. And you can't remember which Elvis you liked best-the fat or skinny one.

10) You believe Johnny Weismuller was a better actor than Bogart, Gable, and Oscar Levant combined.

I hope this helps, Rock. If you answered yes to more than 5, then you may have manopause. Keep in mind, my test is unscientific and answering the questions may cause the hair in your ears to grow in the palm of your hand. Cat