Acid Reflux Rears Its Ugly Head

Acid reflux is the scourge of the new millineum. Maybe it's the jalapenos, the pizzas, the spicy cajun dishes, the enchiladas, the refried beans that we, as Americans, tend to overindulge in. Everyone I know has the dreaded disease. And it doesn't matter if you're a member of a red state, blue state, zombie state, or state your name, either someone in your family now has acid reflux or will one day be afflicted.

Even celebrities are not immune to acid reflux. Their millions- Shirley, in Swiss bank accounts- will only help to make them comfortable when the dreaded A.R. knocks on their door.

Take Ashlee Simpson, for example, newcomer to the music scene, who fled Saturday Night Live's stage Oct. 24 after a prerecorded vocal track began playing while she wasn't holding up a microphone. Simpson blamed the incident on a bout with acid reflux: "It was something I had never done and I didn't want to do," she told PEOPLE of lip-synching. "(But) my voice wasn't strong enough."

And even Paris Hilton, sexy starlet, has known the wrath of A.R. Her X-rated sex tape "One Night in Paris" hit video stores earlier this year. To promote her new project, Paris was recently photographed lacking certain undergarments. Another victim of A.R.

Brittney Spears marriage to hometown pal, Jason Alexander, lasted 55 hours. Yes, one of the parties had A.R., causing a hasty annulment to wedded bliss.

What was Anna Nicole Smith's excuse for slurring her words, stumbling offstage and generally being loopy at the Nov. 14 American Music Awards? If you guessed A.R., you are one who catches on quickly. Intelligence is your forte, and you may want to consider joining the elite organization known as Mensa. A rep for Ms. Smith, 37, who was boasting a newly svelte figure, denied rumors that drugs or alcohol were to blame. Not wanting to cite the true reason.

And moving forward, two months after she was released from prison, Mary Kay Letourneau was planning a walk down the aisle – with the former student she was convicted of raping more than seven years ago. Letourneau, who's 42, announced her engagement to Vili Fualaau on Larry King Live on Oct. 11. The ex-schoolteacher, who first had sex with Fualaau eight years ago when he was 13 and has two children by him, said she's been "blessed" and shares "a deep spiritual oneness" with him. During her prison stay, Ms. Letourneau contracted A.R. It is not known at this time if Vili has been affected or even knows of his wife's malady.

And pop stars: Elton John unleashed his inner diva in September, calling the Taiwanese media "rude, vile pigs" after photographers greeted him at the Taipei airport with a wall of flashbulbs. The following month, John directed his ire at Madonna. At London's Q Awards, the singer accused Madge of lip-synching on her Re-Invention tour. "Anyone who lip-synchs in public onstage when you pay 75 pounds ($134) to see them should be shot," he said. Madonna's spokeswoman denied the allegation saying "I heard Elton has A.R. I hope he seeks treatment."

And in sports: The sports world took a beating in November when it was revealed that the New York Yankees' $120 million-earning first baseman Jason Giambi (right) had admitted to using antacids for at least three seasons. The revelation came out of a federal investigation of the Bay Area Laboratory Co-Operative (BALCO), and included doping accusations against San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds (who says his drug use was unwitting) and five-time Olympic track medalist Marion Jones (who denied using illegal performance-enhancing drugs.
Maalox and Pepto-Abysmal are reportedly seeking legal action against the three.

Yes, acid reflux knows no boundaries. Rock stars, sports heroes, cause celebre's, and even movie stars have fallen victim. Even ordinary citizens like you and me. It has reached epidemic proportions. A.R., the scourge of the new millineum.

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. Hopefully, you, the readers will never know the heartbreak of psoriasis, er, acid reflux.