Hello

Chapter 3

 Chapter 3: Dr. Bernard Christian 

Dr. Bernard Christian is having a drink at a local bar, his favorite hangout. He is tired. His cell phone rings: It's General Hospital!

"Hello, Dr. Christian here." He was always formal when answering. He had the distinction of being regarded as the  best surgeon in the world. He was always being called for advice. Or to assist in the operating room!  How he ended up in Chattanooga though was a mystery?

"Doctor Christian, this is Dr. Zorba. I'm working with Dr. Casey- we need your help- stat!"

He takes a long sip of his "sex in the beach," his inventive concoction that had ignited the industry. He tired of the popular "sex on the beach"-once his favorite potent potable. "Sex in the Beach" became an overnight sensation. A favorite at waterholes east of the Mississippi. Soon thereafter , the whole Continental USA including Guam, Puerto Rico, Alaska, Hawaii, etc Of course, he was royally paid. In a 12 oz. can it was! And like Coke, It's ingredients were top-secret! A self-made man he was, and everything he touched turned to gold!

"Yes, Zorba. How can I be of service?" He never called another doctor, doctor. He believed the others were beneath him! He had it all just like Bogie and Bacall! He was the go-to-man when the Huffington Post came calling. He appeared frequently on CNN and took over for Sanja Gupta when he was on vacation. He hobnobbed with the likes of  Don Lemon and Wolf Blitzer! He was in his own words, an effete snob and  he relished it!

Once he slipped when addressing Dr. Edward Murphy, a renowned surgeon in his own right. whose office was in Beverly Hills. "Dr. Muphy, I presume!" It was at a red carpet affair in Cannes. Christian never forgave himself and promised it would never happen again. 

Murphy had grown up in the projects in Detroit. At sixteen, he became a swing manager for McDonald's. With the money he earned, he bought 10,000 shares in the fledgling company circa the 1950's and became a multi-millionaire! At seventeen, he wrote the Janis Ian classic "At Seventeen," a teenaged angst song! At eighteen, he toured with Alice Cooper. At nineteen, he won a Pulitzer Prize for  "Yes, Journalism is Yellow and other assorted colors!" As a 20 year old, he joined the police force by day- his way of giving back to the community-and went to college and med school by night. After graduating magna cum laude at Oxford, he became a doctor for the rich and famous! He made the cover of Time, Newsweek, and GQ numerous times! Even Playgirl wanted him but he declined. He was well-respected but more importantly, a helluva surgeon!

Dr. Zorba: Dr. Bernard,  we have a critical situation at General Hospital! The patient has been here since the edge of night! He is a diver at the Chattanooga Aquarium. Two medusozoas attacked and attached themselves to his divers mask and head and neck regions. He's in ICU! His condition is critical I repeat critical! We need you here stat!

Dr. Christian took another long sip of his drink. He wondered why Zorba had his panties in a wad. Or in a shivvy! There was always a crisis at any hospital He had recently learned shivvy from viewing Sherry Covington's posts on Facebook. A creature he had never met, but by happenstance stumbled upon her page! He also enjoyed the many memes! "I'll be there as soon as I can, Zorba!" He despised the word "stat!" Nurse Betty had a habit of saying it frequently!

"Thank you Doctor Christian," said Zorba. He wanted to say thank you, your highness, you arrogant ass, but the patient ( Bill ) had two medusozoas attached to his head! He needed the bastard here stat!

Dr. Christian takes another sip. "Ahhhh!" From his jacket pocket, he removes a small mirror and an even smaller pair of scissors. He is quite particular about his nose hairs- if I'm going to save someone's life tonight I must look my best- is how he approached it! He scans his nose with the mirror. A clip here a snip there and he's good to go. He wasn't young anymore, but he was still restless. However, he still considered himself one of the bold and beautiful!

He hails a taxi. "General Hospital, cabbie!"

Bill is awake-It's time for another dose of morphine. He wants to scratch his nose but realizes he's in restraints.He is hungry! What he wouldn't give for a plate of shrimp etouffee and a shipload of deviled crab!  Nurse Betty enters with a long needle. Bill feels better almost immediately.

"Oh, you poor man!" Betty moans, holding back tears.  

Suddenly, the door to the ICU bursts open! A tall, strapping fellow dressed in a whiter-than-white hospital smock gains entrance-a grand entrance! His nose hairs are immaculate and unseen! It's Dr. Bernard Christian in all of his glory! He has a presence and charisma oozing from his DNA. He passes Nurse Betty and looks directly at Bill, his new patient.

"Oh, my God!" 

End of Chapter 3

The rules have been changed to protect the innocent. Another trivia challenge. Let's play, eh? Now available on blue ray.

 1) while waiting on your phone repair, you hear "All Night Long" on the muzac at Sprint. Suddenly, you're inclined to a) show your best "robot" moves b) breakdance c) long for the return of Nina Blackwood on MTV d) start dancing in the streets
2) you're embarrassed when someone notices you have spinach stuck between your teeth. Your response is: a) damn, I forgot to floss b) thank you but that's not spinach, it's kale and loaded with essential vitamins c) do you have a toothpick d) mind your business while staring at the pimple on his/her nose.

 3) Women dealers a) are quite talkative b) ruffle the cards a minimum of ten times c) good at shuffling while looking at FB on their phone d) slooow the game down to a crawl 4) when women shuffle and deal one can a) take a ten minute power nap b) read the Gettysburg address in its entirety c) recall days of yore when you put playing cards on your bicycle spokes d) chat with your neighbor on how the west was won e) look at their cleavage without being obvious

 5) "Once upon a time you looked so fine; you threw the bums a dime in your prime" is from what song? a) I got u babe b) the beat goes on c) amazing grace d) somewhere over the rainbow e) like a rolling stone gathering no moss


 6) Segue on trivia challenge. "No moss" was uttered by a) Roberto Duran when he fought Sugar Ray Leonard b) a charlestonian when he/she/it visits Atlanta for the first time c) codename at a Brazilian body wax d) Bob Dylan ( Zimmerman )

 7) Whoa Nellie is appropriate to say in what circumstance a) a 5th diamond hits the bored b) the bored pairs c) there's a bad moon on the right d) help us, obi-wan kenobi

 8) You're a young paper boy, and you're out collecting the clients bill door to door. What famous person is on your route? a) Norma Desmond b) Esther Hoffman c) Cecil B. DeMille d) Charlton Heston d) Jayne Mansfield e) Efrem Zimbalist jr. f) Bill Stevens

 9) when you hear " it's not the heat, it's the humidity," you a) nod your head in total agreement b) you feign your amazement with a quizzical look as if you've never heard it before c) believe a root canal would be less excruciating d) want to give them a Hawaiian Punch e) are tempted to buy another gallon of antifreeze

 10) You enjoy receiving a participation award. Because negative connotations towards women poker enthusiasts are espoused on the latest trivia challenge, here's your chance to respond. The proprietor of said trivia challenge is a) b) c)....z)

 Extra credit: your favorite David Bowie song is a) oh baby, just you shut your mouth b) visions of swastikas in my head c) here I am sitting in a tin can d) this mellow thighed chick just put my spine out of place e) planet earth is blue and there's nothing I can do

Past lives? I can recall a few! 1) Don't remember much after we hit the huge mountain of ice. Mass pandemonium.

 I tried to assure the passengers that the tub is unsinkable. Boy, was I wrong. Maiden voyage beginning in Liverpool. I do recall Molly Brown getting into the lifeboat. Btw, I was in the Crow's Nest when I spotted the huge iceberg!. Unfortunately, I ended up in Davy Jones Locker. 2) I was a private in the Army stationed at Fort Sumter. Circa 1861. We had to vamoos with a quickness when the Rebs opened fire. Johnny Yuma led the charge! 3) "Damn, it's high up here." Yep. No OSHA to protect us construction workers as we dangled from the steel beams. It was the Empire State Building! Tallest building in the world at the time. 4) I met Jim Bowie outside of Wichita. We ate our grub and drank coffee by the campfire. Loved that knife of his. He was headed to the Alamo and I was following Horace Greeley's advice- Go West Young Man. Ward Bond was head of our wagon train. I settled down in Los Angeles. Had me a spread. And had to contend with Zorro. Little did I know Don Diego was "the fox," so cunning and free! And made the mark of a "Z." 5) Has anyone seen the movies Fantasia, Dumbo or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Yep! I drew them. Animators we were. Me and Walt Disney himself. "Mickey Mouse needs to be the star of Fantasia," I told Walt and laughed when he said it should star Donald Duck! We always had a good chuckle when we revisited memory lane. After he built Disneyland, he never mentioned it again! 6) I was an assistant to Percy Spencer at Raytheon during World War II. We were developing microwave radar transmitters. One eventful day and one I'll never forget, I was taking time out for lunch. Percy kept working and suddenly my Three Musketeers candy bar was cooking in my pants. Ouch! Third-degree burns it was. We both shouted eureka at the same time. Percy still owes me a nickel.lol. And for the grafting. 7) I was a soda jerk and worked at the Top Hat Malt Shop in Hollywood. 1936. I could make a mean chocolate milkshake, lime sours, and my banana splits were to die for. I'll never forget the day Lana Turner ordered a Cherry Coke. She was 16 and had a certain flair. After a long chit-chat, I called Mervyn Leroy, who quickly signed her to a movie contract. 8) I called him Stan the Man. He called me Oz. We met in Vegas when it was run by the mob. I had an arachnid farm- call me weird, I know. Made a good living. I knew Stan wrote comics and was eager to develop a new character. I could see the light bulb go off in his head as I was telling him the genealogy of spiders. Who would have thunk it? 9) "The Chairman of the Board," "the Voice," "Swoonatra"- these were Frank's nicknames. But he wanted another one. One night at the Copa where I was a bouncer, I mentioned to Lucky Luciano that Frank had blue eyes. He had aged gracefully and then a revelation hit me. Why not "old blue eyes?" It stuck! Whenever OBE came to the Copa to see Desi Arnaz sing "Babalu," I marveled with pride! Mr. Sinatra always called me Jack the Whack, a name that stuck with me forever! 10) Yep. Politics was my game! Barry was getting pummeled in the polls and the American public was deathly afraid of him. A vote for Barry would certainly result in World War 3. He was running against an incumbent and had no chance of winning. I didn't know Barry, but I did introduce Jack to Norma Jeane Mortensen. You might know her better as Marilyn Monroe! Years later, I suggested she sing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President," as she wanted to sing "she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes." She later thanked me and so did Jack! Past lives? Reincarnation? Yep! Maybe it was a dream (s)?

Past lives? I can recall a few! 1) Don't remember much after we hit the huge mountain of ice. Mass pandemonium. I tried to assure the passengers that the tub is unsinkable. Boy, was I wrong. Maiden voyage beginning in Liverpool. I do recall Molly Brown getting into the lifeboat. Btw, I was in the Crow's Nest when I spotted the huge iceberg!. Unfortunately, I ended up in Davy Jones Locker. 2) I was a private in the Army stationed at Fort Sumter. Circa 1861. We had to vamoos with a quickness when the Rebs opened fire. Johnny Yuma led the charge! 3) "Damn, it's high up here." Yep. No OSHA to protect us construction workers as we dangled from the steel beams. It was the Empire State Building! Tallest building in the world at the time. 4) I met Jim Bowie outside of Wichita. We ate our grub and drank coffee by the campfire. Loved that knife of his. He was headed to the Alamo and I was following Horace Greeley's advice- Go West Young Man. Ward Bond was head of our wagon train. I settled down in Los Angeles. Had me a spread. And had to contend with Zorro. Little did I know Don Diego was "the fox," so cunning and free! And made the mark of a "Z." 5) Has anyone seen the movies Fantasia, Dumbo or Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? Yep! I drew them. Animators we were. Me and Walt Disney himself. "Mickey Mouse needs to be the star of Fantasia," I told Walt and laughed when he said it should star Donald Duck! We always had a good chuckle when we revisited memory lane. After he built Disneyland, he never mentioned it again! 6) I was an assistant to Percy Spencer at Raytheon during World War II. We were developing microwave radar transmitters. One eventful day and one I'll never forget, I was taking time out for lunch. Percy kept working and suddenly my Three Musketeers candy bar was cooking in my pants. Ouch! Third-degree burns it was. We both shouted eureka at the same time. Percy still owes me a nickel.lol. And for the grafting. 7) I was a soda jerk and worked at the Top Hat Malt Shop in Hollywood. 1936. I could make a mean chocolate milkshake, lime sours, and my banana splits were to die for. I'll never forget the day Lana Turner ordered a Cherry Coke. She was 16 and had a certain flair. After a long chit-chat, I called Mervyn Leroy, who quickly signed her to a movie contract. 8) I called him Stan the Man. He called me Oz. We met in Vegas when it was run by the mob. I had an arachnid farm- call me weird, I know. Made a good living. I knew Stan wrote comics and was eager to develop a new character. I could see the light bulb go off in his head as I was telling him the genealogy of spiders. Who would have thunk it? 9) "The Chairman of the Board," "the Voice," "Swoonatra"- these were Frank's nicknames. But he wanted another one. One night at the Copa where I was a bouncer, I mentioned to Lucky Luciano that Frank had blue eyes. He had aged gracefully and then a revelation hit me. Why not "old blue eyes?" It stuck! Whenever OBE came to the Copa to see Desi Arnaz sing "Babalu," I marveled with pride! Mr. Sinatra always called me Jack the Whack, a name that stuck with me forever! 10) Yep. Politics was my game! Barry was getting pummeled in the polls and the American public was deathly afraid of him. A vote for Barry would certainly result in World War 3. He was running against an incumbent and had no chance of winning. I didn't know Barry, but I did introduce Jack to Norma Jeane Mortensen. You might know her better as Marilyn Monroe! Years later, I suggested she sing "Happy Birthday, Mr. President," as she wanted to sing "she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes." She later thanked me and so did Jack! Past lives? Reincarnation? Yep! Maybe it was a dream (s)?

Chapter 3: Dr. Bernard Christian Dr. Bernard Christian is having a drink at a local bar, his favorite hangout. He is tired. His cell phone rings: It's General Hospital! "Hello, Dr. Christian here." He was always formal when answering. He had the distinction of being regarded as the best surgeon in the world. He was always being called for advice. Or to assist in the operating room! How he ended up in Chattanooga though was a mystery? "Doctor Christian, this is Dr. Zorba. I'm working with Dr. Casey- we need your help- stat!" He takes a long sip of his "sex in the beach," his inventive concoction that had ignited the industry. He tired of the popular "sex on the beach"-once his favorite potent potable. "Sex in the Beach" became an overnight sensation. A favorite at waterholes east of the Mississippi. Soon thereafter , the whole Continental USA including Guam, Puerto Rico, Alaska, Hawaii, etc Of course, he was royally paid. In a 12 oz. can it was! And like Coke, It's ingredients were top-secret! A self-made man he was, and everything he touched turned to gold! "Yes, Zorba. How can I be of service?" He never called another doctor, doctor. He believed the others were beneath him! He had it all just like Bogie and Bacall! He was the go-to-man when the Huffington Post came calling. He appeared frequently on CNN and took over for Sanja Gupta when he was on vacation. He hobnobbed with the likes of Don Lemon and Wolf Blitzer! He was in his own words, an effete snob and he relished it! Once he slipped when addressing Dr. Edward Murphy, a renowned surgeon in his own right. whose office was in Beverly Hills. "Dr. Muphy, I presume!" It was at a red carpet affair in Cannes. Christian never forgave himself and promised it would never happen again. Murphy had grown up in the projects in Detroit. At sixteen, he became a swing manager for McDonald's. With the money he earned, he bought 10,000 shares in the fledgling company circa the 1950's and became a multi-millionaire! At seventeen, he wrote the Janis Ian classic "At Seventeen," a teenaged angst song! At eighteen, he toured with Alice Cooper. At nineteen, he won a Pulitzer Prize for "Yes, Journalism is Yellow and other assorted colors!" As a 20 year old, he joined the police force by day- his way of giving back to the community-and went to college and med school by night. After graduating magna cum laude at Oxford, he became a doctor for the rich and famous! He made the cover of Time, Newsweek, and GQ numerous times! Even Playgirl wanted him but he declined. He was well-respected but more importantly, a helluva surgeon! Dr. Zorba: Dr. Bernard, we have a critical situation at General Hospital! The patient has been here since the edge of night! He is a diver at the Chattanooga Aquarium. Two medusozoas attacked and attached themselves to his divers mask and head and neck regions. He's in ICU! His condition is critical I repeat critical! We need you here stat! Dr. Christian took another long sip of his drink. He wondered why Zorba had his panties in a wad. Or in a shivvy! There was always a crisis at any hospital He had recently learned shivvy from viewing Sherry Covington's posts on Facebook. A creature he had never met, but by happenstance stumbled upon her page! He also enjoyed the many memes! "I'll be there as soon as I can, Zorba!" He despised the word "stat!" Nurse Betty had a habit of saying it frequently! "Thank you Doctor Christian," said Zorba. He wanted to say thank you, your highness, you arrogant ass, but the patient ( Bill ) had two medusozoas attached to his head! He needed the bastard here stat! Dr. Christian takes another sip. "Ahhhh!" From his jacket pocket, he removes a small mirror and an even smaller pair of scissors. He is quite particular about his nose hairs- if I'm going to save someone's life tonight I must look my best- is how he approached it! He scans his nose with the mirror. A clip here a snip there and he's good to go. He wasn't young anymore, but he was still restless. However, he still considered himself one of the bold and beautiful! He hails a taxi. "General Hospital, cabbie!" Bill is awake-It's time for another dose of morphine. He wants to scratch his nose but realizes he's in restraints.He is hungry! What he wouldn't give for a plate of shrimp etouffe and a shipload of deviled crab! Nurse Betty enters with a long needle. Bill feels better almost immediately. "Oh, you poor man!" Betty moans, holding back tears. Suddenly, the door to the ICU bursts open! A tall, strapping fellow dressed in a whiter-than-white hospital smock gains entrance-a grand entrance! His nose hairs are immaculate and unseen! It's Dr. Bernard Christian in all of his glory! He has a presence and charisma oozing from his DNA. He passes Nurse Betty and looks directly at Bill, his new patient. "Oh, my God!" End of Chapter 3

Rejected Ad lines:

 1) "Get the strong foot!" John Foy

 2) "One fall, that's all." Ken Nugent

 3) "This cuds for you!" Chick-fil-A

 4) "Lol Green Giant" Green Giant

 5) "Please don't sneeze the Charmin!" Kleenex 

6) "A rind is a terrible thing to waste!" U.S. Watermelon Industry

 7) "The picker quicker upper!" Bounty

 8) Cop cop fuzz fuzz. Oh, what a belief it was!" Hippies United Organization. 60's chapter.

 9) Chevron with Kedron!" Chevron

 10) "Reach out and mulch someone!" Pike Nursery

 11) "Sometimes you feel like a gut, sometimes you don't." Weight Watchers

Chapter 6 The Operation The medusozoas are still alive. Bill is too....barely! Bill is anestisized by Dr. Myeyes, who rather skillfully avoids the jellyfishes. He has a story too, as we all do. But at a later date. Bill begins dreaming of his favorite meals: Shrimp scampi, shrimp creole, soft shell crab, blue crab, snow crab, deviled crab, crab etouffe, crab fritters, crab with manicotti, stuffed crab in mushrooms, frog legs, baked flounder, dungeness crab dipped in butter, and basa! Basa was his favorite which hails from Vietnam! As he loses consciousness, Bill continues to stroll down memory lane. Farmer Carter, Rosalynn, Amy. Billy-beer in hand -appear. And the hobbits for Humanity, as well. And biscuits with sawmill gravy, sometimes with hot sorghum syrup, prepared by his ma. A hodgepodge if you will. Dr. Christian goes to work. Scalpel, saw, scissors, gauze, forceps-all used. He's sweating. Time is of the essence. Nurse Betty monitors Bill's blood pressure and heart rate. Dr. Christian continues. A snip here, a snip there- just as if he were cutting his nose hairs. A fait accompli, the jellyfishes loosen their grip and are DOA before they hit the floor. Dr. Christian relaxes for perhaps 30 seconds. Removes his perspiration-soaked surgical mask and breathes a sigh of relief. He removes the diver's mask from Bill's face. Bill's vitals are improving. It appears the operation is a success! Dr. Christian congratulates the team. "Myeyes, ( pronounced "my eyes" ) good job!" He nods in approval! "Zorba, Casey. Good job!" "Nurse Betty-good job!" She's beaming! She looks at his beautiful smile....and teeth. All white, no imperfections, and his canines- a ten! Wrapped up in her career and gambling, she had never noticed before. Her heart flutters! Dr. Christian: "Zorba, please send the medusozoa specimens to the CDC in Atlanta! And let's get Bill to recovery!" The team is in a celebratory mood. The scrub room is stocked with cans upon cans of "sex in the beach" ( Dr. Christian's inventive concoction ), hors d'oeuvres made of smoked sockeye salmon from Alaskan waters ( a tribute to Bill ), and foie gras. Nurse Betty skips the liver pate as she's a vegetarian. But does have a small morsel of salmon. Bill awakes. Checked and rechecked and finally sent to a private room! He's a bit groggy and wonders why he's here. Hungry, he calls the Nurse! "What's for supper? Is clam chowder on the menu? Two dozen raw oysters-extra cocktail sauce and Texas Pete. And heavy on the horseradish!" The nurse responds: "Mr. Bill, you've been through a traumatic experience! You"re having jello and broth for now!" The door opens. It's Phil! Phil O'Soffikle. " I was so worried about you! Damn, you gave us a scare!" Phil updates Bill on what has transpired. But it makes Bill even hungrier. Bill: "Phil, see if you can find a McDonald's nearby. I love the double fish fillet sandwich. I think it's a number 9 or 10. And a coke zero, heavy on the zero. Oh yeah, lots of ketchup for the fries" Bill feels great! He does 100 pushups. 100 jumping jacks. Holds his legs 6 inches from the floor, a drill he learned in high school. He holds them for 15 minutes, in fact. He tries 100 situps but stops at 25. A little rusty he thought. He can't wait to get back to the aquarium. And to find Juan R. Mann. Phil returns with the filet of fish sandwich. He bought Bill an extra one. And two apple pies for a dollar-a treat! He was happy to have his friend back! They laughed. They told old war stories. They joked. They cried with happiness. A knock on the door. It's Nurse Betty. "How's the patient? I'm Nurse Betty. I assisted Doctor Christian in the operating room!" Although she hardly ever drinks, she is a bit woozy from having indulged in sex in the beach. Suddenly without warning, Billl begins having convulsions. His body writhing up and down! His forehead flushed, grimacing in obvious pain. Nurse Betty hollers "get help stat!" Bill's stomach is vibrating. He seems to be hemmoraging. A strange creature, a small medusozoa, explodes from his chest-blood everywhere. It quickly slithers away and out the door! Phil is in shock-Nurse Betty screams in horror! End of Chapter 6

Chapter 5 Nurse Betty "Where's Nurse Betty! I need her now! Where the hell is she?" Dr. Christian doesn't want to operate without her. Sure she annoyed him by saying stat 50 or more times a day, but she was the best nurse he had ever worked with. And he considered her his good luck charm! Nurse Betty had come from humble beginnings. Her mom ( Virginia ) and pop ( Barney ) met at Folly Beach during the Nam conflict. Her mom worked at Cheatam and Howe, a law firm and a prestigious one at that, headquartered in Charleston, South Carolina. She was an executive secretary, along the lines of a Della Street Her sailor pop had been a cook. And served his tour of duty on the Indianapolis. He served three years but had never seen combat. His fellow sailors called him "Spuds," never Barney. He didn't like it. Now, he was a free man so he decided to stay in Charleston for a few days. He wanted to see Fort Sumter, drink some mint juleps, and check out the southern belles! And see one he did. She was stunning. Long Brown hair, an exquisite figure, and a big smile. He had a thing for teeth- they must be white! No gaps and no protusions. Nary a one. While sun tanning at Folly, he was ogling the women as any sailor or man would. He paid special attention to their bodies but most of all their teeth. While applying Coppertone- because tan don't burn- one particular woman caught his eye, as she emerged from the waters. Her teeth glistened in the sun! It was Virginia and it was love at first sight! He was alway shy around women. He was never a ladies man. It didn't help on dates when he asked questions like "how many cavities do you have; how many have you had; do you have your wisdom teeth; any crowns; do you floss and how often; and how frequently do you get a check up; and how did you happen to have such magnificent canines?" He had never had a second date, and he always wondered why! He had been rejected so many times, but he was determined to meet her. In a bold move- for him anyway- he walked up to her and said: "Nice teeth you have!" Virginia replied, "Well thank you! I do get regular checkups at the dentist and floss two or three times a day. I've been fortunate-never had a cavity. And I use an electric toothbrush! " Barney knew he had met the woman he would marry. And marry they did after a short 6-month courtship. It was a beautiful ceremony. And everyone attending complimented Virginia on her wedding gown and teeth! Nurse Betty was born 2 years later. They lived the idyllic life. Betty was the apple of their eye. She made good grades in school and got her nursing degree at Grady Hospital in Atlanta. She didn't date much because, like her father, she always studied men's teeth. Her dad wanted her to become a dental hygienist, but she was born to be a nurse. After graduation, she got a job at General Hospital in Chattanooga. It was close to Cherokee, North Carolina where she frequented quite often on her off days. Some thought she had a gambling problem, but they were haters with bad teeth. She enjoyed craps, Blackjack, and poker. Sometimes she would win and sometimes she would lose. Barney and Virginia were concerned with her gambling. But to no avail as Betty lived her life, and no one was going to tell her how to live it. "Spuds, I love you but nursing and gambling is my life!" She endearingly called him Spuds. She was the only one who was allowed to call him that. Dr. Christian is beside himself, but sees Nurse Betty enter the operating room. "Where have you been?" She wanted to lie but couldn't. "I placed a bet on Purple Rain at Belmont in the third race. And Raspberry Beret in the fourth. And Party Like It's 1999 in the 6th! My sincere apologies, but it's time to save this man's life! Stat!!!" End of Chapter 5

Chapter 4 Mike the Paratrooper ( Light My Fire ) Dr. Christian:"Oh. My God! Get this man into the operating room stat." His voice was loud and shrill. He never used and disliked the word stat, but he had never seen a case like this! For once in his life he became unglued! But only for a second. He was the best in the world and this man would need the best. Mike hears the commotion and wakes up. He is in the bed next to Bill. He has been admitted to General Hospital-a drug overdose. Although in his late sixties,, he was found unconscious on the streets of Chattanooga- a box of detergent by his side He was still in a daze! Whenever he tried to talk, bubbles flew out of his mouth- some small, some big. Some popped immediately and some lasted interminably. A few landed on the jellyfishes. Mike wasn't sure if he was dreaming or if he was still high from the pods. Even his farts were springtime fresh. Mike had been a paratrooper during the Vietnam war. He joined the army at eighteen. He was gung ho and aced basic training. He became good friends with Ron Kovic, who, ironically, had been born on the 4th of July. When jumping from the planes, both would mimic their Idol, Major "King" Kong. "Yahoo-yippee-ki-yay mother f*****!" Mike's drug usage began in the jungles of Nam! First, it was marijuana- he would rock out to the Stones and the Doors and clean his rifle. He soon graduated to harder drugs when his commander, a Colonel Kilgore, handed him a pill and said "take this brother, may it serve you well!" Reluctant at first but orders were orders, so he took the plunge. It took 30 minutes for the effects to kick in. He wanted to touch the sky and had a crazy urge to ride the wild surf. The smell of napalm at night only enhanced his mood! The next morning Capt. Willard found him lying by a thatched hut and staring into the sun. He immediately took him to sick bay! Mike saw many horrors in the southeast country. Unfortunately, he turned to speed, cocaine and heroin! He deserted. AWOL! He found refuge when he became a Russian Roulette player at a crowded gambling club in Saigon. Run by Won Hong Lo! Mike was the goat [ greatest of all time ] RR player and never lost. His record stands until this day! "You one lucky mother f*****," Won would tell him. "Others come and go but you stay! Won like you mother f*****!" Mike liked Won as well. But knew he was destined to lose one day. So it was a sad day when he gave Won his 2 weeks notice! "Mike you crazy mother f*****! No need to give me two week notice- what two week notice anyway- you crazy mother f*****! Leave now don't come back I love you." " I love you, Won!" Won: Lookie here you take book and read book! He hands Mike his most prized possession, a bible from his grandmother,Too! Inscribed in 1965: " To my dearest Won! Hopefully you will find comfort and inner peace. Love, Memaw Too! P.S. don't play with guns and chase wild women and don't gamble your hard-earned money away!" Mike was genuinely touched. He took the Bible and cradled it in his hands. He gave Won a huge hug, turned and walked away and never looked back. Mike read the scriptures over and over. He became a new man. He gave himself up to the army and was sentenced to prison for 5 years. Upon serving his time, Mike began his new life as a Sunday school teacher and began lecturing young people on the dangers of drugs! He was making a good living. His downfall happened one day as he was washing clothes. He had the TV on and was watching the lost episodes of The Real McCoys, sponsored by Procter & Gamble. Mike was laughing at the antics of Pepino, Luke and Grandpa. Of course, there were commercials and the first one advertised-Tide Pods. "New from P&G! Not only will your clothes become whiter than white but you can smell the difference. Tide Pods at grocery stores everywhere." The next day Mike was found by the side of the road. He had over-dosed! "Tell LBJ to kiss my ass! Tell him while he's taking a dump in the Rose Garden," Mike said to the emt's as they carted him away! Obviously in a state of delirium. PTSD? End of Chapter 4

Chapter 3: Dr. Bernard Christian Dr. Bernard Christian is having a drink at a local bar, his favorite hangout. He is tired. His cell phone rings: It's General Hospital! "Hello, Dr. Christian here." He was always formal when answering. He had the distinction of being regarded as the best surgeon in the world. He was always being called for advice. Or to assist in the operating room! How he ended up in Chattanooga though was a mystery? "Doctor Christian, this is Dr. Zorba. I'm working with Dr. Casey- we need your help- stat!" He takes a long sip of his "sex in the beach," his inventive concoction that had ignited the industry. He tired of the popular "sex on the beach"-once his favorite potent potable. "Sex in the Beach" became an overnight sensation. A favorite at waterholes east of the Mississippi. Soon thereafter , the whole Continental USA including Guam, Puerto Rico, Alaska, Hawaii, etc Of course, he was royally paid. In a 12 oz. can it was! And like Coke, It's ingredients were top-secret! A self-made man he was, and everything he touched turned to gold! "Yes, Zorba. How can I be of service?" He never called another doctor, doctor. He believed the others were beneath him! He had it all just like Bogie and Bacall! He was the go-to-man when the Huffington Post came calling. He appeared frequently on CNN and took over for Sanja Gupta when he was on vacation. He hobnobbed with the likes of Don Lemon and Wolf Blitzer! He was in his own words, an effete snob and he relished it! Once he slipped when addressing Dr. Edward Murphy, a renowned surgeon in his own right. whose office was in Beverly Hills. "Dr. Muphy, I presume!" It was at a red carpet affair in Cannes. Christian never forgave himself and promised it would never happen again. Murphy had grown up in the projects in Detroit. At sixteen, he became a swing manager for McDonald's. With the money he earned, he bought 10,000 shares in the fledgling company circa the 1950's and became a multi-millionaire! At seventeen, he wrote the Janis Ian classic "At Seventeen," a teenaged angst song! At eighteen, he toured with Alice Cooper. At nineteen, he won a Pulitzer Prize for "Yes, Journalism is Yellow and other assorted colors!" As a 20 year old, he joined the police force by day- his way of giving back to the community-and went to college and med school by night. After graduating magna cum laude at Oxford, he became a doctor for the rich and famous! He made the cover of Time, Newsweek, and GQ numerous times! Even Playgirl wanted him but he declined. He was well-respected but more importantly, a helluva surgeon! Dr. Zorba: Dr. Bernard, we have a critical situation at General Hospital! The patient has been here since the edge of night! He is a diver at the Chattanooga Aquarium. Two medusozoas attacked and attached themselves to his divers mask and head and neck regions. He's in ICU! His condition is critical I repeat critical! We need you here stat! Dr. Christian took another long sip of his drink. He wondered why Zorba had his panties in a wad. Or in a shivvy! There was always a crisis at any hospital He had recently learned shivvy from viewing Sherry Covington's posts on Facebook. A creature he had never met, but by happenstance stumbled upon her page! He also enjoyed the many memes! "I'll be there as soon as I can, Zorba!" He despised the word "stat!" Nurse Betty had a habit of saying it frequently! "Thank you Doctor Christian," said Zorba. He wanted to say thank you, your highness, you arrogant ass, but the patient ( Bill ) had two medusozoas attached to his head! He needed the bastard here stat! Dr. Christian takes another sip. "Ahhhh!" From his jacket pocket, he removes a small mirror and an even smaller pair of scissors. He is quite particular about his nose hairs- if I'm going to save someone's life tonight I must look my best- is how he approached it! He scans his nose with the mirror. A clip here a snip there and he's good to go. He wasn't young anymore, but he was still restless. However, he still considered himself one of the bold and beautiful! He hails a taxi. "General Hospital, cabbie!" Bill is awake-It's time for another dose of morphine. He wants to scratch his nose but realizes he's in restraints.He is hungry! What he wouldn't give for a plate of shrimp etouffe and a shipload of deviled crab! Nurse Betty enters with a long needle. Bill feels better almost immediately. "Oh, you poor man!" Betty moans, holding back tears. Suddenly, the door to the ICU bursts open! A tall, strapping fellow dressed in a whiter-than-white hospital smock gains entrance-a grand entrance! His nose hairs are immaculate and unseen! It's Dr. Bernard Christian in all of his glory! He has a presence and charisma oozing from his DNA. He passes Nurse Betty and looks directly at Bill, his new patient. "Oh, my God!" End of Chapter 3

Another trivia challenge: Let's play! 1) You lose at the final table. Your adversary gets your 250 points. He gets your name sticker. How do you give it to him a) throw it at him while having a hissy fit b) congratulate him on his superior play c) while handing him your sticker, you drop ex-lax in his beer. Discreetly, of course d) attach your sticker to your jeans ( booty section ) and have him retrieve it 2) Judy Judy Judy is first said by Cary Grant in what movie a) North by Northwest while he's hanging from Abe Lincoln's nose on Mount Rushmore b) Father Goose ( says to Tokyo Rose ) c) Notorious ( says to Ingrid Bergman ) d) Cary as a guest star on The Andy Griffith Show. Shout out to Goober, Gomer's cousin 3) if you're on the Night Train you're a) Bottoms Up b) welcome in the jungle but your gonna die c) unable to get enough d) ready to crash and burn you never learn 4) Next karaoke session a) Night Train b) a song by Barenaked Ladies ( kinky) c) Mr. Sandman ( shout out to Michael Myers ) d) I used to care but things have changed. Shout out to Bobby Zimmerman e) living the vida loca f) I think I love you-shout out to Shirley Jones and David Cassidy. RIP 5 ) Who is Rooster Cogburn? a) a man who loves regular grits never instant, a true Southerner b) the thug who helped Tonya Harding in the Nancy Kerrigan incident c) John, who runs the karaoke at YKnots d) a distant relative of Cowboy who loves brown eggs 6) I enjoy the judge shows- Judge Judy for example. What is the common theme in most of them a) Rover a pitbull bites Fluffy the French poodle b) a man bites Rover the Pitbull. Lassie intervenes. Rover receives $5,000. c) a woman breaks off her engagement after catching her fiance sending naked photos of himself to other women. Playa loses! Must pay restitution d) Fluffy a French poodle gets a horrific grooming at the vet. Fluffy sues for $150 for the grooming and $5,000 for emotional distress. Fluffy receives $5,150 7) You sing a song karaoke style at YKnots. What is the reaction? a) drunks sing along especially when you sing My Way b) wolf howls from haters c) a fella poker hater says your rendition is the worst he's ever heard. You tell him to turn up his hearing aid mounted visibly on his ear d) you're greeted with magnanimous applause 8) Most Pit Bosses are a) haters b) grumpy c) have never heard of Rooster Cogburn d) fans of the Partridge Family, especially Danny Bonaduce, when they were younger. Come on get happy. Sung regularly during the chip up by all Pit Bosses. Sometimes a hum. 9) Complete the lyric -the rain in Spain falls mainly on the a) great Dane b) sugar cane c) window pane d) the weather vane e) Zane....Grey 10) Who is your favorite character in "Bill and Phil": a) Nurse Betty b) Dr. Bernard Christian c) Mike the paratrooper d) Phil O'Soffikle e) huh? What or who is Bill & Phil anyway?

Chapter 2 Phil Who Bill: Time to rise and shine, Phil. We do have a job, you know. Chattanooga Aquarium. You're a tour guide, and I'm a diver with the greatest show on earth. Does it ring a bell, Sir? Bill called everyone, Sir, when he was annoyed! Which was often. Even the fish disliked him! Phil: You go without me, Bill. I'm calling out sick. I can't take it anymore. Kids asking dumb questions like "where's SpongeBob SquarePants." And adults making corny jokes like "is that Charlie the Tuna!" We'll never find the one-armed man here anyway. Bill: Don't be so sure. I think I saw him yesterday, while I was swimming with the fishes. A burst of bubbles from my tank obscured my view-then an orca swam by and I couldn't see a thing. But I'm sure it's him Phil: I think it's he! Bill: Me too! ....Bill has sauteed eel and a Neptune salad for breakfast and washes it down with black coffee, heavy on the caffeine. Phil: Maybe we're on the right track, but I'm staying home, Bill. I feel like being a couch potato today! I want to watch Price is Right, Justice with Judge Mablean, Divorce Court and Judge Judy.... For breakfast Phil is having beef and cheese enchiladas with green chilies. He's washing it down with Redbull! Bill: Ok. But a buck's a buck. Adios, Phil. ( goodbye in spanish). Meet me for lunch at Long John Silvers if you get tired of watching TV. Perhaps, I will see him again at the aquarium. I told the dolphins to alert me if they see the one-armed tax accountant. They don't call me the fish whisperer for nothing! Later, Phil is watching the contestants spinning the big wheel on the Price is Right, when he notices one in particular having difficulty. Phil does a double take. Phil: Damn, it's the one-armed man! He immediately calls the show! "Price is Right, can I help you?" Phil: This is Phil in Chattanooga. Can I talk to Drew Carey? Stat! "I'm sorry, sir, but he's busy taping shows." Phil: I've got to talk to him. Stat! It's an emergency! "One minute, sir, I'll see what I can do!" Phil awaits anxiously! "Drew Carey here- can I help you?" "Hi Drew. Love your show! Come on down, spayed and neutered, and Rob Roddy; Dian what's her name, who had an affair with Bob Barker, and who can forget Johnny Olson!" "Thank you but my secretary said you had an emergency." It was Dian Parkinson, btw. Phil: Sorry, Drew! My name is Phil O'Soffikle. My buddy, Bill, is looking for a one-armed tax accountant, and I just saw him on your show spinning the big wheel. He prepared Bill's taxes and absconded with a million dollars! Bill was set up. He's going to the big house, if he can't find this guy. He goes by the name, Juan R. Mann! Drew wants to help. "Yes, Juan was on the show two weeks ago. We tape ahead. He won the showcase showdown! Almost won both showcases. Lately, he has been staying with one of our models. She's getting married soon to a prince, but she believes in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Try calling my friend, Judy, as well. She's out of New York and can give you some legal advice! Juan lives in Beverly Hills! 1 Armanni Lane near Rodeo Drive!. Good luck! And don't forget to have your pets spayed and neutered!" Phil thanks Drew and calls Bill with the news. But learns Bill is in the ER. While feeding Willie the whale, Bill was attacked by 2 jellyfish. Both embedded and ensconced on his diver's mask. Frantic, Phil jumps in his car-destination General Hospital in Chattanooga! As the world turns thought Phil, hoping Bill had more than one life to live. What would he tell all his children-he prayed for a guiding light! Meanwhile, Bill is ensconced in intensive care. Along with the jellyfishes. Surgeons want to operate, but a wrong snip could prove fatal. Although in dire straits, Bill dreams of Farmer Carter, the man who shooed him from the peanut patch many years ago. And how Carter made it big in the housing industry. And how founding Hobbits Taught for Humanity propelled him to a presidential bid! And a lucrative book deal! As the morphine kicks in, Bill loses all thought! End of Chapter 2.

Chapter 8 Another Manifesto The blood-curdling yell is heard throughout the trailer park. What the hell was that, the residents thought as one? Lieutenant Gerard has just returned from an important police matter. He settles down in his double wide. He pours a shot of cognac to calm his nerves, when he hears the scream from Hades. A quick gulp. Tired but terrified, he grabs a bottle of tequila ( his only backup ) and exits the door. Had Satan unleashed his minions?- had Armageddon began? He wanted to find out. Gerard had been a lifelong Evangelical. A big Star Wars fan too. He often imitated Darth Vader at parties. More than a few tired of his antics, especially when- in his best James Earl Jones-he would say, "Luke, I am your father," and "May the force be with you!" "Who invited this guy?" Garrard also used his CPAP machine as a prop to make the rendition more believable. The gurgling noises of the water in the machine added the right touch. Some believed it was gauche and inappropriate. Especially to sufferers of sleep apnea. But Gerard didn't care. He began reciting The Lord's Prayer.... Phil and his pliers move menacingly towards Bill- he is terrified.... for his life. Phil advances. Bill retreats. Bill: We can work this out, Phil: Okay, Bill. Listen! Hear My Manifesto. I will decide then if you live or die. Or have a painful tooth extraction. Phil begins to recite the nuts and bolts: Don’t think less of people because some of their beliefs don’t align with yours and don’t lose quality people in your life because you choose hate over love. What should one do? Breathe before you reply First things first. Don’t fire back a response pointing out the logical flaws in your friends post. That will most likely lead to a escalating ping pong game of logical and illogical statements. Breathe. Wait a while. Let the moment pass and if you feel so strongly later, then take the time to pen a thoughtful fact-based and unemotional response. Be prepared for an emotional reply.... Bill listens intently: "if I vote for Michael Bloomberg instead of Bernie, can we still be friends?" Phil ponders the question! For a second or two: "Nah! You've got one life left in a 9 lives cat. Sorry, old buddy. The Jig Is Up!" He advances once again! But doesn't notice the takeout box of nachos grande Bill has ordered and had delivered courtesy of "Uber Delivery," lying at Bill's feet. Phil tumbles and falls and lands on a rat trap, strategically-placed by Bugs Burger ( rhymes with merger and perjure). Yes, the trailer park had rats. Big ones and little ones. Phil's nose is snared. It was he of the blood curdling yell. He has the tiny cheese from the trap stuck in his right nostril. Lt. Garrard arrives five minutes later. Bill's in shock; Phil's in agonizing pain. The lieutenant bursts through the door. He surveys the scene, recalling his police academy training. He begins interrogating the two. Both are mum! Phil: I ain't answering any questions without my lawyer, Matt Locke Sheindlin Esquire. Bill: No worries, Phil ( who's still struggling to free himself from the rat trap ). Barney Fife here illegally entered our trailer. Phil: Right. Pass the guacamole and salsa. Let's have Chinese tomorrow ( rubs his nose after extricating himself from the trap and takes a few opioids for pain ). Garrard mutters a few choice curse words and leaves. He clutches the tequila and takes a big swig. Bill: I'm sorry, Phil. Phil: Love means never having to say you're sorry. Little do the two know Garrard is hot on the trail of Juan R. Mann, the accountant. The same Juan R. Mann, Phil and Bill are in pursuit of. Bill: Pass the nachos, Amigo. Phil: J'taime. Order extra jalapenos next time. Bill: And extra cheese! Both laugh. Phil takes two more opioids. Soon he is feeling no pain. End of Chapter 8. Chapter 9: Juan R. Mann returns.

Screenplays I'm working on: Harry is tall, dashing and strapping- title character. Premise: Harry got up dressed all in black Went down to the station and he never came back They found his clothing scattered somewhere down the track And he won't be down on Wall Street in the morning He had a home the love of a girl But men get lost sometimes as years unfold One day he crossed some line And he was too much in this world But I guess it doesn't matter anymore 2) Harry Kotter: A taxi driver picks up his fare and soon realizes it's an old girlfriend: Something about her was familiar I could swear I'd seen her face before But she said, "I'm sure you're mistaken" And she didn't say anything more It took a while, but she looked in the mirror And she glanced at the license for my name A smile seemed to come to her slowly It was a sad smile, just the same And she said, "How are you Harry?" I said, "How are you Sue? Through the too many miles And the too little smiles I still remember you" Up your nose with a rubber hose is prevalent in the dialogue 3) Kansas City Bomber: Raquel and Sherry are roller derby professionals by day. By night they are Facebook bombardiers 4) Valley of the Dolls: pharmacist by day stand up comedian by night and plays poker on the weekends. Avid runner as well, marathon woman 5) Grumpier Old Men: Bill unretires. He and Phil become casino owners in Tahoe. Leave Dale and Mel for greener pastures. Hijinx of the Third Kind! 6) Black Sunday: while waiting for the Super Bowl to start at 6:30, a corny writer pens screenplays. Idea stolen from the movie "Trumbo" and Kellogg's Corn Flakes 7) All Day Cowboy: Pinched from Midnight Cowboy. Our protagonist wears an airline uniform by day and a duster by night. Very lucky at cards but is accident prone 8) The Cooler: Bill and Phil take Tahoe by storm. As in any movie, it starts out rosie and then misfortune hits. Bill and Phil decide to hire a cooler. Ingenious move as profits soar. IRS intervenes and arrests Bill. Phil takes over and bonds Bill out of jail. I'm thinking William H Macy would make the perfect cooler in the subsequent movie 9) Old Yeller: after decades of coffee, tea and cigarettes, Dr. Gilligan ( dentist ), who has just returned from a three hour tour, asks the tall strapping patient: "is it safe?" Sir Laurence Olivier seems the logical choice as Doctor Gilligan if Paramount says yes 10) Chattanooga Choo Choo: Bill becomes a fugitive from the law, and he and Phil head to Chattanooga. Both get a job at the aquarium. Mel is a tour guide and Bill is a diver and swims with the fishes. On his off days and spare time, Bill continues to look for the one-armed man who prepared his taxes

Chapter 7: the Manifesto! Orange Man bad! Lies, lies, lies and more lies. 20,000, 21,000, 22,000....and counting. I'm not a libtard! Global warming is not a myth.... "Bill, Bill, wake up you're having a nightmare!" BILL: Where am I? Phil: We're here in our cozy trailer park. 1600 Savoy Truffle Lane! Bill: It must have been the seafood casserole. That's what I get for ordering the chef surprise! I was dreaming of the Orange Man; it was awful! Phil! I bought six tacos at Taco Bell. You can have some! I've got hot and mild sauce. Viva Mehico! Chili today-hot tamale! Bill: No thanks. Living in Atlanta sucks. Climate change is blowing in the wind. It was 70° today and 30° 2 days ago Bill lights his "Homerun" cigarette, that he bought on vintage.com. Arguably, the strongest [ legal ] cigarette ever made. He grimaces , contorting his face, as he inhales the harsh flavor . Since his escape from the tentacles of the jellyfish, via the operation performed heroically by surgeon extraordinaire, Dr. Myeyes, Bill's face ached constantly. He had tried marijuana which helped the pain, but it was illegal. That's why he was voting for Bernie Sanders, who wants to legalize it in every state! Phil: Give me one toke over the line, Bill. ( His eye on the Home Run ). Bill: The Orange Man is bad, Phil! I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire! Phil: You watch too much CNN and MSNBC! Try watching Fox News for the truth! And why do you keep calling him the Orange Man? Bill: Don't you see it? Are you that f****** stupid? He's a fascist. And liar! And Nationalist! And he doesn't believe in climate change! And his spray-on orange tan- give me a break! He's mean to people. He dispatched Mr Vindman and Sondland. Lieutenant-Colonel Vindman, that is. Phil: Yeah, he gave them the old heave-ho! Want to watch Hannity? I recorded it. Bill: I'd rather have a root canal! Phil: Open wide! ( brandishes a pair of pliers from his tool box ). Just as quickly, he returns them. Bill: Silly ass! Hannity is the Orange Man's puppet. And Putin is the puppeteer of them all! Read our manifesto: 1. Don't use his name; 2. Remember this is a regime and he's not acting alone; 3. Do not argue with those who support him--it doesn't work; 4. Focus on his policies, not his orange-ness and mental state; 5. Keep your message positive; they want the country to be angry and fearful because this is the soil from which their darkest policies will grow; 6. No more helpless/hopeless talk; 7. Support artists and the arts; 8. Be careful not to spread fake news. Check it; 9. Take care of yourselves 10. Resist! 11. Keep demonstrations peaceful. In the words of John Lennon, "When it gets down to having to use violence, then you are playing the system’s game. The establishment will irritate you - pull your beard, flick your face - to make you fight! Because once they’ve got you violent, then they know how to handle you. The only thing they don’t know how to handle is non-violence and humor." 12. When you post or talk about him, don't assign his actions to him, assign them to "The Republican Administration," or "The Republicans." This will have several effects: the Republican legislators will either have to take responsibility for their association with him or stand up for what some of them don't like; he will not get the focus of attention he craves; Republican representatives will become very concerned about their re-elections. 13. Keep paying attention, and keep up the pressure; 14. Practice self care; 15. Stay optimistic, but not complacent. If you won't fight for what you believe in, who will? It will take all of us. United together we can handle this. Phil: You're full of s***! Bill: Nooo, I just had a colonoscopy recently. Bill laughs at his joke, but Phil doesn't think it's funny. He opens the toolbox, retrieves the pliers and moves menacingly towards Bill's mouth! Phil: You f****** libtard! Bill: F*** you and the horse you rode in on! I follow the manifesto: 3) Do not argue with those who support him--it doesn't work. Wait-what are you doing? What are you doing with those pliers? Phil inches slowly forward- pliers in tow. He has had enough of this libtard! He had only dreamed of a tooth extraction until now. Now it was time to operate! A banshee scream from hell echoes throughout the trailer park! "WTF was that?" thought the entire trailer park! End of chapter 6! Chapter 8 to follow: 911 stat

Chapter 2 Phil Who Bill: Time to rise and shine, Phil. We do have a job, you know. Chattanooga Aquarium. You're a tour guide, and I'm a diver with the greatest show on earth. Does it ring a bell, Sir? Bill called everyone, Sir, when he was annoyed! Which was often. Even the fish disliked him! Phil: You go without me, Bill. I'm calling out sick. I can't take it anymore. Kids asking dumb questions like "where's SpongeBob SquarePants." And adults making corny jokes like "is that Charlie the Tuna!" We'll never find the one-armed man here anyway. Bill: Don't be so sure. I think I saw him yesterday, while I was swimming with the fishes. A burst of bubbles from my tank obscured my view-then an orca swam by and I couldn't see a thing. But I'm sure it's him Phil: I think it's he! Bill: Me too! ....Bill has sauteed eel and a Neptune salad for breakfast and washes it down with black coffee, heavy on the caffeine. Phil: Maybe we're on the right track, but I'm staying home, Bill. I feel like being a couch potato today! I want to watch Price is Right, Justice with Judge Mablean, Divorce Court and Judge Judy.... For breakfast Phil is having beef and cheese enchiladas with green chilies. He's washing it down with Redbull! Bill: Ok. But a buck's a buck. Adios, Phil. ( goodbye in spanish). Meet me for lunch at Long John Silvers if you get tired of watching TV. Perhaps, I will see him again at the aquarium. I told the dolphins to alert me if they see the one-armed tax accountant. They don't call me the fish whisperer for nothing! Later, Phil is watching the contestants spinning the big wheel on the Price is Right, when he notices one in particular having difficulty. Phil does a double take. Phil: Damn, it's the one-armed man! He immediately calls the show! "Price is Right, can I help you?" Phil: This is Phil in Chattanooga. Can I talk to Drew Carey? Stat! "I'm sorry, sir, but he's busy taping shows." Phil: I've got to talk to him. Stat! It's an emergency! "One minute, sir, I'll see what I can do!" Phil awaits anxiously! "Drew Carey here- can I help you?" "Hi Drew. Love your show! Come on down, spayed and neutered, and Rob Roddy; Dian what's her name, who had an affair with Bob Barker, and who can forget Johnny Olson!" "Thank you but my secretary said you had an emergency." It was Dian Parkinson, btw. Phil: Sorry, Drew! My name is Phil O'Soffikle. My buddy, Bill, is looking for a one-armed tax accountant, and I just saw him on your show spinning the big wheel. He prepared Bill's taxes and absconded with a million dollars! Bill was set up. He's going to the big house, if he can't find this guy. He goes by the name, Juan R. Mann! Drew wants to help. "Yes, Juan was on the show two weeks ago. We tape ahead. He won the showcase showdown! Almost won both showcases. Lately, he has been staying with one of our models. She's getting married soon to a prince, but she believes in life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Try calling my friend, Judy, as well. She's out of New York and can give you some legal advice! Juan lives in Beverly Hills! 1 Armanni Lane near Rodeo Drive!. Good luck! And don't forget to have your pets spayed and neutered!" Phil thanks Drew and calls Bill with the news. But learns Bill is in the ER. While feeding Willie the whale, Bill was attacked by 2 jellyfish. Both embedded and ensconced on his diver's mask. Frantic, Phil jumps in his car-destination General Hospital in Chattanooga! As the world turns thought Phil, hoping Bill had more than one life to live. What would he tell all his children-he prayed for a guiding light! Meanwhile, Bill is ensconced in intensive care. Along with the jellyfishes. Surgeons want to operate, but a wrong snip could prove fatal. Although in dire straits, Bill dreams of Farmer Carter, the man who shooed him from the peanut patch many years ago. And how Carter made it big in the housing industry. And how founding Hobbits Taught for Humanity propelled him to a presidential bid! And a lucrative book deal! As the morphine kicks in, Bill loses all thought! End of Chapter 2.

Chapter 1: Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut Bill and Phil arrive home from work. Phil had stopped for supper at Taco Bell-Bill at Captain D's. They are roommates living in Chattanooga. BILL: How was your day, Phil? Phil: ( sighs ) I don't know how long I can take being a tour guide at the aquarium. How was your day, Bill? Phil takes a bite out of his burrito and some of it dribbles down his chin. Bill: Another day in paradise. Damn, I forgot to buy body lotion at Walgreens. My hands and feet are wrinkled from swimming with the fishes. Bill dips his cod into the tartar sauce and grabs a few fries. Phil: If I hear the theme song to Jaws one more time I'm gonna scream! Any luck with the one-armed man from H&R Block? Phil laughs nervously. Bill: No, that tip we received from Lucky Stripe Sigaretta was erroneous-evidently! Bill takes a sip of his dirty martini. Phil: Let's blow this town, Bill. Bill: Let's give it a few more days. The Greyhound bus leaves every day at 3 p.m., so there's no rush. Bill lights up a cigarette. And devours the olive, as if it were the last one he'd ever eat. Phil: There's nothing to do in this hick town. We've already been to Rock City, Ruby Falls, and Dolly World. Phil fidgets in his chair and turns on the TV. Bill: I should have used TurboTax, Phil. Now I'm a fugitive from the law in search of a one-armed tax accountant. Bill blows 3 smoke rings in a row. Perfect ovals. He learned to do this as a youngster in Plains, Ga. His mind wanders back to those days. "Hey you! Get out of my peanut patch!" The voice of Farmer Carter is heard for miles! He wipes his furrowed brow with a dusty handkerchief. "Hey, Ma, them damn kids are in my peanut patch again. Looks like that damn kid, Bill. He'll never amount to nothing." "Now, Carter, don't get your underwear in a shivvy!" She never called him by his first name, and she couldn't remember why! Neither did Carter! "I work too damn hard to give my peanuts away!" "Well, go run him off. And come on back for supper. I made your favorite: Fried streak o'lean, biscuits and sawmill gravy. And a peanut parfait for dessert." Bill is enjoying the raw peanuts when he sees Carter ambling his way, shotgun in hand. "Don't shoot me, mister! I'm just a poor sharecropper's son, and I was hungry!" "Bill, Bill, snap out of it , man!" You're having a nightmare," Phil says to Bill, rustling him from his sleep. "I guess I made that martini a little too strong," Bill laughs somewhat shaken. Bill: Need anything at Walgreens, Phil? Phil: Yeah, some toothpaste-any kind-and a box of goobers! Bill: Don't ever mention that word again! Both laugh hysterically! End of Chapter 1 "

Bill and Phil crawl out of bed. Phil makes the coffee as always, heavy on the caffeine. 

Phil: How do you want your eggs, Bill?

 Bill: I'm having coffee and cigarettes for breakfast! Both laugh! Phil cracks a few eggs for scrambling. and puts water in a big pot for grits.

 Phil: Is it true that self-respecting Southerners don't like instant grits?

 Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards like quick grits.

 Both laugh again. Phil takes a huge gulp of coffee and turns on the tv. As always, its on Fox News from the night before.

 Bill: Libtards hate Fox News!

 Phil: They never watch it, so how do they know its news is biased. ( Phil says, somewhat rhetorically )

 Bill: We should watch CNN , the most respected news channel on TV, for a change! ( Uproarious laughter! ) Or MSNBC. Brian Williams and Rachel Maddow are spot on! Two of my favorite anchors. And don't forget Don Lemon!

 ( More uproarious laughter )

 Phil: What's stinky, black, and white and red all over?

 Bill: A sunburned zebra with diarrhea? An embarrassed zebra with diarrhea?

 Phil: No, a fish wrapped in the New York Times!

 ( More Laughter )

 Bill: How do you do it? You should make a meme.

 Phil? Have you ever been hoisted by your own petard?

 Phil: That's deep, Bill! And too early in the morning for that shit! I don't even know what you're talking about.

 Bill: I can't help myself, Phil. I'm being philosophical, that's all.

 Phil: I'm Phil Osofficle. You know I hate it when you make fun of my name!

 Bill: Don't worry about it; we all get sensitive about something. Everybody's got their own baggage. It comes from how we were brought up....for the most part. And what comprised our DNA.

 Phil: Speaking of family I haven't heard from mine in a while. I have 2 half brothers and a sister. Never hear from them.

 Bill: Phil, I wonder what Gil, Lil and Will are up to these days. It's a shame you haven't heard from them.

 Phil: Last I heard, Gil sells sea seals down by the sea seal shore. Lil, who could be a pill, but always kept it real, was still residing on Beacon Hill; and Will farms dill down at the old mill. Bill: You should call them.

 Phil: That's a nil Bill! I'd rather have a banal root canal.

 Bill: Hey, your Grits look like they're ready.

 Phil: What do you think of people who put sugar on grits.

 Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards put sugar on their grits.

 Both laugh.

 Bill, in his best Bernie Sanders: we are starting a revolution with sugar on grits for everyone. It's a human right, along with healthcare for all! Tear down that wall, Mr. Trump!

 Phil laughs at Bill's imitation and glances at the TV. He is startled by a familiar figure rushing the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally.

 Bill: Phil, what's wrong? It looks like you just saw a ghost.

 Phil: ( visibly shaken ) It's him. Look!

 Bill: Who is It?

 Phil: It's Juan R Mann! ( the tax accountant who fleeced him of his money ). In a daze, he mistakenly puts sugar on his grits instead of in his coffee, heavy on the caffeine. Phil's heart is racing! "I just lost my appetite."

Bill lights another cigarette and downs the last drops of his coffee. Both are elated but in a state of shock. Suddenly, Phil's phone rings. 

Phil: Hello? Hi, I'm Kamala Harrass calling for Grand Princess cruise ships. Have we got a great deal for you! Prices have been dramatically reduced.... Phil hangs up before she can finish her spiel. 

Bill: Who was that?

 Phil: A Miss Harriass. She's selling rides on a cruise ship. At a discount. Both laugh. Phil ditches the grits.

It's Getting Weird!

It's been awhile once again. Just found my
log in info.

More to follow....