GOLDEN POND

Bill and Phil crawl out of bed. Phil makes the coffee as always, heavy on the caffeine. 

Phil: How do you want your eggs, Bill?

 Bill: I'm having coffee and cigarettes for breakfast! Both laugh! Phil cracks a few eggs for scrambling. and puts water in a big pot for grits.

 Phil: Is it true that self-respecting Southerners don't like instant grits?

 Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards like quick grits.

 Both laugh again. Phil takes a huge gulp of coffee and turns on the tv. As always, its on Fox News from the night before.

 Bill: Libtards hate Fox News!

 Phil: They never watch it, so how do they know its news is biased. ( Phil says, somewhat rhetorically )

 Bill: We should watch CNN , the most respected news channel on TV, for a change! ( Uproarious laughter! ) Or MSNBC. Brian Williams and Rachel Maddow are spot on! Two of my favorite anchors. And don't forget Don Lemon!

 ( More uproarious laughter )

 Phil: What's stinky, black, and white and red all over?

 Bill: A sunburned zebra with diarrhea? An embarrassed zebra with diarrhea?

 Phil: No, a fish wrapped in the New York Times!

 ( More Laughter )

 Bill: How do you do it? You should make a meme.

 Phil? Have you ever been hoisted by your own petard?

 Phil: That's deep, Bill! And too early in the morning for that shit! I don't even know what you're talking about.

 Bill: I can't help myself, Phil. I'm being philosophical, that's all.

 Phil: I'm Phil Osofficle. You know I hate it when you make fun of my name!

 Bill: Don't worry about it; we all get sensitive about something. Everybody's got their own baggage. It comes from how we were brought up....for the most part. And what comprised our DNA.

 Phil: Speaking of family I haven't heard from mine in a while. I have 2 half brothers and a sister. Never hear from them.

 Bill: Phil, I wonder what Gil, Lil and Will are up to these days. It's a shame you haven't heard from them.

 Phil: Last I heard, Gil sells sea seals down by the sea seal shore. Lil, who could be a pill, but always kept it real, was still residing on Beacon Hill; and Will farms dill down at the old mill. Bill: You should call them.

 Phil: That's a nil Bill! I'd rather have a banal root canal.

 Bill: Hey, your Grits look like they're ready.

 Phil: What do you think of people who put sugar on grits.

 Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards put sugar on their grits.

 Both laugh.

 Bill, in his best Bernie Sanders: we are starting a revolution with sugar on grits for everyone. It's a human right, along with healthcare for all! Tear down that wall, Mr. Trump!

 Phil laughs at Bill's imitation and glances at the TV. He is startled by a familiar figure rushing the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally.

 Bill: Phil, what's wrong? It looks like you just saw a ghost.

 Phil: ( visibly shaken ) It's him. Look!

 Bill: Who is It?

 Phil: It's Juan R Mann! ( the tax accountant who fleeced him of his money ). In a daze, he mistakenly puts sugar on his grits instead of in his coffee, heavy on the caffeine. Phil's heart is racing! "I just lost my appetite."

Bill lights another cigarette and downs the last drops of his coffee. Both are elated but in a state of shock. Suddenly, Phil's phone rings. 

Phil: Hello? Hi, I'm Kamala Harrass calling for Grand Princess cruise ships. Have we got a great deal for you! Prices have been dramatically reduced.... Phil hangs up before she can finish her spiel. 

Bill: Who was that?

 Phil: A Miss Harriass. She's selling rides on a cruise ship. At a discount. Both laugh. Phil ditches the grits.