GOLDEN POND

Chapter 1: Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut Bill and Phil arrive home from work. Phil had stopped for supper at Taco Bell-Bill at Captain D's. They are roommates living in Chattanooga. BILL: How was your day, Phil? Phil: ( sighs ) I don't know how long I can take being a tour guide at the aquarium. How was your day, Bill? Phil takes a bite out of his burrito and some of it dribbles down his chin. Bill: Another day in paradise. Damn, I forgot to buy body lotion at Walgreens. My hands and feet are wrinkled from swimming with the fishes. Bill dips his cod into the tartar sauce and grabs a few fries. Phil: If I hear the theme song to Jaws one more time I'm gonna scream! Any luck with the one-armed man from H&R Block? Phil laughs nervously. Bill: No, that tip we received from Lucky Stripe Sigaretta was erroneous-evidently! Bill takes a sip of his dirty martini. Phil: Let's blow this town, Bill. Bill: Let's give it a few more days. The Greyhound bus leaves every day at 3 p.m., so there's no rush. Bill lights up a cigarette. And devours the olive, as if it were the last one he'd ever eat. Phil: There's nothing to do in this hick town. We've already been to Rock City, Ruby Falls, and Dolly World. Phil fidgets in his chair and turns on the TV. Bill: I should have used TurboTax, Phil. Now I'm a fugitive from the law in search of a one-armed tax accountant. Bill blows 3 smoke rings in a row. Perfect ovals. He learned to do this as a youngster in Plains, Ga. His mind wanders back to those days. "Hey you! Get out of my peanut patch!" The voice of Farmer Carter is heard for miles! He wipes his furrowed brow with a dusty handkerchief. "Hey, Ma, them damn kids are in my peanut patch again. Looks like that damn kid, Bill. He'll never amount to nothing." "Now, Carter, don't get your underwear in a shivvy!" She never called him by his first name, and she couldn't remember why! Neither did Carter! "I work too damn hard to give my peanuts away!" "Well, go run him off. And come on back for supper. I made your favorite: Fried streak o'lean, biscuits and sawmill gravy. And a peanut parfait for dessert." Bill is enjoying the raw peanuts when he sees Carter ambling his way, shotgun in hand. "Don't shoot me, mister! I'm just a poor sharecropper's son, and I was hungry!" "Bill, Bill, snap out of it , man!" You're having a nightmare," Phil says to Bill, rustling him from his sleep. "I guess I made that martini a little too strong," Bill laughs somewhat shaken. Bill: Need anything at Walgreens, Phil? Phil: Yeah, some toothpaste-any kind-and a box of goobers! Bill: Don't ever mention that word again! Both laugh hysterically! End of Chapter 1 "