"Shaken-Not Stirred"

I have always been a fan of Bond, James Bond. Sean Connery was the best. Roger Moore-forget it. Too mean spirited and too goofy looking. He was a pale comparison to the original. The rest were subpar. Timothy Dalton was ok, but the mystique had faded by the time he arrived. And Pierce Brosnan-too well known, plus I always remember him as the future step-dad of Robin Williams' kids in Mrs. Doubtfire. Daniel Craig, the newest Bond, seems to have been a good choice. And has little or no baggage-for me-because I had never seen him in any thing else.

All that aside, last night I had a dream. And I was Bond. It went like this!

M: Come in, 00vc.

00vc: Yessir.

M: Your next mission! Read this!

00vc: "For my eyes only...." Yes, sir, I will do my best.

M: What do you know about gold, 00vc?

00vc: Well, I know, sir, that the largest concentration lies across the water in Fort Knox, Kentucky. It's a great way to hedge inflation in one's portfolio. And you find many rappers who wear it in their mouths.

M: Righto! Would you like some brandy?

00vc: The last I had here, sir, was a bit disappointing. No thank you. So what does gold have to do with my assignment?

M: Are you familiar with a concept known as Burger King?

00vc: I have rarely dined there, but, of course, I know it's the home of the Whopper. And has some of the zaniest commercials obviously written by persons delusional on drugs.

M: Spot on, 00vc.

00vc: Sir, I know you're my superior, but the phrase, "spot on," actually annoys me very deeply.

M: Harump. Remember to whom you're talking? Now where was I? Yes, gold bullion. An employee of Burger King has microfilm imbedded in one of his front gold teeth. We're not sure which one. Your assignment will be to, er, extricate it from his person and bring it back to merry old England.

00vc: What's in the microfilm, sir?

M: Top secret, 00vc. From what we understand, it contains a new formula for soy bean burgers.

00vc: You've got to be joking. I was expecting the film to contain plans for a new lecter, as pursued by yours truly in my last caper, "From Prussia with Love."

M: No, nothing that exciting, but it could be very dangerous. This soy bean burger must never see the light of day, 00vc. We must get that tooth, er, microfilm.

00vc: This case seems more suited for Felix, Felix Lighter of the CIA, than for myself. Respectfully submitted, sir!

M: Felix is quite busy these days in Iraq and Iran. And in the United States, he is leveraging a few members of congress to split the electoral votes in California. Thus, the British Empire and the fate of the world is in your hands, 00vc.

00vc: Where is my destination, sir?

M: San Francisco. Your contact is Trans Fat. He will assist you in your quest to find the team member in question.

00vc: How will I recognize this Trans Fat?

M: When you arrive at the airport look for a man eating a double meat double cheese Whopper, super-sized of course.

00vc: Of course. But how will I know for sure it's Trans Fat?

M: By code, 00vc. When you walk up to him, ask "have it your way?" He will reply, "hold the pickle?"

00vc: But of course.

M: Good now Q Branch has outfitted you with everything you'll need for this assignment.

00vc: Very good, sir. I was thinking a new Aston-Martin, a briefcase with twenty gold sovereigns with daggers concealed in each side, and l'il Nellie, my small-sized helicopter from my next-to-last caper, "You Only Get Fired Thrice!"

M: No, you want be needing any of those things, 00vc. Q Branch is supplying you with antacids and cholesterol reducing drugs. You'll be eating at a few Burger Kings as part of the assignment. We have you booked on the next airliner to San Francisco. Good luck to you, 00vc.

00vc: Thank you, sir.

M: And none of the usual pleasantries with Moneypenny on your way out. Speed is of the essence.\

00vc: Yes, sir. I name this latest caper: "Trans Fat is Forever."