"Academy Awards Revisited" and "Sandra Bullock"

Apologies to Sandra Bullock, who after winning the ultimate prize in Hollywood, met the agony of defeat when she learned her husband, Jesse James, had been cheating on her. At least she wasn't married to Tiger Woods.

Here's a foray from years ago where the author of G.P. put his spin on the best movie Oscar nominees. Not sure whence it came but it was on my desktop. So without further delay here it is:

1) "The Squid and the Whale": New CEO of a cafeteria chain decides to shake-up the menu by introducing sushi. Zany hijinks ensue as rowdy guests balk at the new fare. "We want the old favorites," says the President of the AARP Snobird Organization. Another classic line from the film: "Don't count the black eyed peas," muttered by one of the independent factions.

2) "Derailed" : Spellbinding! Exhilirating! Riveting! Another Big Business moviedom romp, based loosely on "Brave New World, " "The Jungle," and "Animal Farm." Mayhem and chaos on "The runaway nite train. Ready to crash and burn. It never learns" is the movie's hook and tag line.

3) "Prime" : A documentary from the Dilly Brothers as they romp across 13 states in search of the perfect dining experience. Bill Dilly gets pissed at one stop where most of the food items are empty, cold, and tasteless. "At least one of the servers smiled," Will Dilly remarks to his brother is a memorable line that will stay with you forever.

4) "Get Rich or Die Trying:" "At the end of the day what will you hang onto?" Leroy "50 Cent" Piece decides to hang it up after 40 plus years of cooking fried chicken. After many foiled attempts at franchising his popular fowl cuisine, "50 Cent" Leroy becomes a serial killer. "A psychological thriller that will keep you on the edge of your seats," says "The New York Times." Cameo by Miss Bessie, who is Leroy's first victim. "I always hated that bitch," '50 Cent' mutters rhetorically in one of the more distressing scenes.

5) "Chicken Little:" "Hilarious" says Bob Wire of People Magazine. Reviewer Cal Esthenics of "The Washington Post" reports, "I 'bout fell out of my seat when the guest told the manager, ' you oughta be ashamed of taking them baby chicks away from their mother.'"

6) "I Walk The Line:" A new recruit in the wonderful world of show biz walks up and down the serving line. Day in and day out. He gets weary of saying, "Change this pan. How long on fried chicken? Whaddaya mean you've got to go home?" so he decides to write a song. Instant suckcess follows, and he becomes a country-western legend. His name: Johnny Cash! "Spellbinding" claims Siskel/Ebert.

7) "Harry Potter and The Giblet of Fire:" Based loosely on "Animal House," this zany comedy takes place on the campus of "Truck U.," during the Thanksgiving holidays. When a blizzard engulfs the campus and the students aren't allowed to leave, Harry conjures up a 'giblet of fire' and saves the day by making cornbread dressing in bain maries.

8)"Jarhead:" A marine heads to Northern California to debunk the theory that "rice au roni" is actually "the San Francisco Treat."

9) "The Legend of Azzwhole:" The swashbuckling hero returns after a rousing suckcess in the fast food and cafeteria bizness. "All hail, Caesar" is a recurring line spoken by the plebians.

10) "Capote:" This foray into the infantile is capote. Fini.' You may now disembark the night train....