"Liner Notes"

First published on Golden Pond November 28, 2004.

Remember the liner notes on l.p.'s. A little bonus for buying the record. My company's recipes have liner notes at the bottom which help sort out the complexities and nuances. A helping hand, if you will. Some of my favorite notes are republished here from July 2003. Submitted for your approval and perusal. Entitled re: Recipes/Hooterville. And here it is:

As for recipes, my favorite notes:

1) Au Jus: Should be the same color as coffee. ( Is this before or after a treatment of urn cleaner? )

2) Soft Rolls: If one falls on the floor, discreetly retrieve. Look for grit, hair, or any other foreign matter. [ includes critters ] Brush off against clothing or blow hard to remove. May be used for bread pudding if the above fails to remedy.

3) Roast Beef: Cook to an internal temperature of 130 degrees. Blood should ooze when slicing on the serving line.

4) Yellow Cake: Do not insert a toothpick in the middle of the cake to see if it's done. Only at home does this method work. And you are not at home. So whatever you do, don't use a toothpick. They are reserved for our paymasters leaving the establishment. ( a toothpick is a good sign. It means the paymaster enjoyed the food. )

5) Raspberry Argentine: When running this delectable gelatin with the fancy name, be prepared for guests, er, paymasters using your bathroom facilities a bit more during the course of the meal. Contains prunes, the organic laxative. Pink Floyd's 'just another brick in the stalls" would constitute a synchronistic occurrence. )

6) Fried Green Tomatoes: Should be 1/4 ripe. ( Who can determine 1/4 ripeness with a green tomato? )

7) Stewed Tomatoes: Buy day old bread from the Piggly Wiggly. Best value. Serve stewed tomatoes when your cook is feeling lethargic and not on top of his game. And you've run out of creative solutions to empty pans. WARNING: May become habit-forming.

8) Chop Beef Sardinia: Invented by Sandy Fajitas ( a legendary character ) back in the day. Mr. Food Cost. Also peruse the fresh kale recipe and leftover garnishes. Cooked and served after garnish pre-requisites have been met. Waste not; want not.

9) Milk: some guests, er....may be lactose intolerant. ( made that up: no one was lactose intolerant, back in the day ) And no one had acid reflux as well.

10) Diamonds and rust: You know what memories can bring; they bring diamonds and rust. Apologies to Joan Baez. Submitted for the bored's perusal. Back on the night train. Ready to crash and burn-I never learn.

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. The postscripts from the above post have been removed by request of me, the author.