Archived: February, 2003

Some proposed and rejected names for the new situation comedy currently being written by yours truly, v.c. on golden pond.

1) The vietnamcatfish Show. Starts out on the pond. v.c., the title character has his fishing pole. His son, Opus, is walking with him. Opus is throwing rocks. Background music. Melodic whistler. Doo doo doot doo de doot doot doo de doot doot.... Engaging characters abound in Raybradbury, N.C. Opus the drunk. < no relation to small fry, vc's son >; Aunt Pee, who has urinary problems. < Depends hadn't been invented. Story line 1969 >; Barney Rife, who has a single bullet and body odor. Situations abound in this madcap premise.

2) Cleverly Wilbury's: Title character Red is shooting at some food, when up through the ground come a bubbling crude. His nephew, Deathrow Bovine, proudly plays a 3rd grade graduate, in trouble with the law. Mr. Clydesdale plays the banker. Music by Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, and Bob Dylan.
Title song: Last G.M. Produced by Lynne.

3) Father Knows Guests. Situational comedy at a cafeteria. G.M. knows the cravings of his guests. Balks when told by the savvy marketing team to run smokeyard bbq, terrormisu cakes, and Italian cuisine. Alternate titles: Father Knows Crest. Title character is a dentist, who loves to do root canals; Father Knows Ness. Takes place in prohibition days. Background voice-Walter Mitty; Father Knows Vests: G.Q. G.M. who dresses sharp. Never gets dirty. And wears a white glove to check for dust and grime; Father Knows West: Title character moves to California to open a new dining experience; and Father Knows Rest All of the above have potent situational possibilities.

4) Billabong's Island: Hijinks on the Hi-C's. A 3 hour tour. The hootster and his wife, the millionaire with his golden parachute, the professor and Mary Ann are here on Billabong's Isle.

5) I Dream of Weinees: Astronaut goes into space, finds a magic lamp, and when he returns, opens a restaurant serving Oscar Meyer weiners. Patterned after "Close Encounters of the Third Kind."

6) Leave It To Bereaver: When G.M.'s long time friends keep leaving the team, the situational comedy team, the Bereaver < title character > quits the biz and becomes a freelance writer.*
Rejected: Too depressing.

7) Last Mango in Paris < Texas > Another food service theme. To star Marlon Brando in a reprisal role from the movie. Pilot Episode. Marlon buys too much oleomargarine. Doesn't know what to do with it. But then he has a brilliant idea.

8) Eight Is Enough: To gain a niche in the food service industry, a restaurant offers eight salads, eight meats, eight veggies, eight breads, eight desserts, eight types of butter, 8 types of crackers, etc. Motto: Eight Is Enough!

9) Saturday Night Wive: G.M. sees wife only on Saturday. She works days; he works days and nights.* Rejected. Once again, too depressing.

10) Catfish: Stars Abe Vigoda in the title role, provided he's still alive.