"Dear Cat:"

Dear Cat, I once read where you have been writing these infantile forays since 2001. Because, Shirley, you get a new reader every now and then, could you share a blast from your past. I am like you, in that I have a disdain for the new slang. I have never used the word, closue, and like you never will. "Bedtime Story" is one of my favorites. Could we see it again?

Signed: You Are What You Eat

Dear Reader: Here's the story per your request. Reprinted November, 2004. Time flies when yer havin' fun. Thanks for the query.


You've got to be in the mood to do this stuff. Sometimes it's like magic. You can rattle it off faster than a bevy of bullets from a machine gun. And sometimes ye old writer's block gets in the way.

Well, the latter applies tonite. The G.P. intro disappeared again, and I can't find the file-don't know where it is-which killed the creative spirit. Kaput, fini.'

So we'll have to go to the archives. We'll be write back when we find one of substance. Please, hold on.

Sorry it took so long but here's one from back in the day. It was/is entitled "Bedtime Story." Written 5-28-03. It is submitted for your approval and perusal:

Ten years from now I'm sure I'll have some grandkids. And as we all know, you have to read/tell them a bed time story. Since ten years can go quickly, it's time to get into practice. So here goes. Bed time story 2013, sometime in the not too distant future....

"Granddad, tell us a story, please?"

"Sure, kids. Huddle around."

"Tell us about Piccadilly, again, granddad. Can it include ronnie? Those are our favorite stories."

"Sure, kids. Well, we had just bought Morrison's and we had a mission. One team, one mission. And we had an astronaut at our big gala event. He told us about Apollo 13. And how three men and a team of engineers overcame big obstacles in space, and averted a catastrophe by working together. One team, one mission. Get it."

"We get it, granddad."

"The big meeting was all glitz and glamour. And we heard testimonials from some of the managers. And PIC had gone big time. We were the largest cafeteria chain in the universe. And we were gonna kick some serious butt.

But, soon, it turned sour. Like javelin, I went to a conversion. And when we left, like javelin, they went back to doing things the Morrison's way. And we spent a lot of money. And we changed the name to Piccadilly. And the customers balked, cos they liked getting hoki on a child's plate, and turkey and dressing, and a quarter of a chicken. And jello. And bread. And a drink. And we couldn't understand why the customers < that's what we called them, back then > didn't like our child's plate. Half a piece of cod and two veggies. But they did."

"Granddad, what about ronnie? What happened next? Did he have a plan?"

"Well, kids. Ronnie fired all the district engineers. And then he fired guys who had helped build Piccadilly. Men with many years of service. And he fired our general manager and replaced him with azam."

"What's an azam, granddad?"

"Well, azam became the new coo. It was well chronicled how he had rescued Chi Chi's, a well known mexican restaurant, from the grim reaper. He cut and snipped at Chi Chi's and was hailed as the new messiah of restaurant revitilization. And ronnie hired him. And they sent out an inspirational tape, and they talked about the team, the piccadilly team. And his plan worked for awhile. The stock went from $1.00 and topped out at a little over $3.00.

And we had a big meeting. And the marketing boys were giddy about their suckcess, and they were referring to azam using Superman cliches. 'Faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, he's changing clothes in a phone booth, here's our own Clark Kent, azam.'

And he was going to teach us how to celebrate. And increase communication. And how he, er, we were turning things around. And he kept all the pit bull guys, but things turned sour again."

"What happened, grandpa? Did PIC raise the price on a dilly? On drinks? What happened?"

"The marketing boys came up with smokeyard bbq. And we had to have it on our counters for 3 months."

"What's a smokeyard bbq, granddad?"

"BBQ chicken, sliced pork, and corn fritters. And it helped drive the guests away. Then they followed that up with italian cuisine. Chicken thighs, skirt steak, terrormisu cakes, and rice pilaf in a box."

"Granddad, do you miss Piccadilly?"

"Well, I miss the nice people I used to work with. And the guests who weren't rowdy. And the people from the message bored. Clif, bbq, hoots, bongo, a2fay, ditchus, javelin, leftbehindbabs, the card, johnnyc, poopshooter, didacticdaddy, rawchopbeef, pictruandtru, hope I'm not leaving anybody off."

"Granddad, wasn't bbq4u2 the man who wrote the investigative piece that won him a pulitzer? And landed him a job with the Washington Post?"

"Yes, his expose on the horrible conditions of that chinese restaurant won him world reknown. And he quickly became a legend in his own mind. He stays in touch, but you know the press."

"And what happened to ronnie, granddad? Tell us again, please."

"You kids know that ronnie resigned. And that his last statement on the record was 'embrace change.'"

"And, granddad. Tell us again what you said."

"You kids. I said he could embrace my 12 inch pianist."

"What's a 12 inch pianist, granddad?"

"You'll understand when you get older. Now it's time to go to sleep. Good night you rowdy grandkids."