V As In Virus

Everyone knows the agony of defeat, especially when it comes to computers crashing and burning-we never learn. [ Please see Guns 'N Roses for song lyrics ] And when my h/p began running slow, slower, slowest, it was time to call in the help desk. Little did I know my call would be redirected to India by way of Bombay. Here's how the conversation went.

"Hello, this is Punjaub, how may I help you?"

"Hello Punjaub. G'day, mate. My, er, computer is slow, and I keep getting these pop-ups, and my internet explorer is off the chain."

"Huh? What is your name, please?"

"Vee!"

"Huh? V?"

"Yes, Vee as in Vee-Jay records. The fab four once recorded on that label. As well as Capital, Swan, and Decca. Vee. As in valedictorian, voluminous, and viral."

"Punjaub now understands. I want to hold your hand, eh? And, Vee, you habitate on Golden Pond. Is that close to Pond Jovi? Pleasantries aside, Punjaub will now attempt to rectify your problem."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hold on. Let me check your system. Let me see, Vee. Ooh. Hold on. Yes. No! Oh, Vee. I have detected a terrible virus in your system."

"Really."

"Vee, after careful examination I am afraid you have the worst computer virus known to mankind."

"That bad, eh?"

"I'm afraid so. Hold on, I must consult Indira for her professional expertise. Hold on, please. Yes, Indira, this is Punjaub. I have a customer on line with virus creating havoc on Golden Pond computer. Savvy?"

"Hello, Punjaub, this is Indira. I have never seen such a virus. But that is why we are here. To help the guests. Our task will be difficult. I suggest we snip here, snip there, until we get to root of problem."

"Yes, Indira, I told customer charge for problem-solving is 40 in American dollars."

"Good job, Punjaub. Even tho we reside in India and have outsourced many American jobs, we are dedicated to helping the Americans in their time of need. Vee, click on Network and Internet connections."

"Right!"

[ After 6 hours of snipping here, snipping there ]

"Okay, Vee. Problem solved. That was a booger, as you say in your country."

"Thanks, Punjaub and Indira."

"Glad to assist you in outsourced India. Most Americans we help are of the passive-aggressive type. You were champ."

"Thanks!"

"May we assist you with anything else?"

"No, thank you. Give my regards to Broadway."

"Likewise to Kitty. You have a wonderful day."

"You, too. Buh bye."

The agony of defeat. Ready to crash and burn-I never learn.

Farewell and adieu, vee