Well Well Well

The Pond has lay dormant for a few days now. I was tempted to ressurect a post from yesterday aka back in the day but decided against it.

How's everyone doing? Is there anybody out there who still peruses the Pond? Rockhead, are you still on bored?

There has been a lot of interesting news items lately. The final four in basketball will wrap things up this weekend. Got to go with North Carolina and Illinois in the semi-finals with N.C. taking it all. Whoever I pick will Shirley lose. Forget Michigan State. But Louisville could surprise the Tar heels.

And Johnnie Cochran passed away yesterday. When most people think of him an image of O.J. Simpson comes to mind. Shirley. And his famous "if they don't fit, you must acquit" line will live in immortality. Btw: Did O.J. ever pay any of the $33 million owed to the Brown and the Goldman families. And does anyone believe the aforementioned did not commit the crime, since he didn't do the time. [ Somewhat of an apology goes out to Robert "Baretta" Blake ]

And the Terri Shiavo saga continues. That situation is a bitch kitty. ( pun unintended ) And one that is wrought with difficult decisions.

And the steroids issue will hound baseball for years to come, specifically this year. The luster of Mark McGuire's homerun record coupled with Barry Bond's subsequent breaking of Mac's record will never be the same. Asterisk, smasterisk.

Uh-oh. Kitty has just fixed [ southern colloquialism ] me a scumptious dinner, er, supper. So it's:

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. Well Well Well. Apologies to John Lennon who penned the tune during a time of severe angst.

V As In Virus

Everyone knows the agony of defeat, especially when it comes to computers crashing and burning-we never learn. [ Please see Guns 'N Roses for song lyrics ] And when my h/p began running slow, slower, slowest, it was time to call in the help desk. Little did I know my call would be redirected to India by way of Bombay. Here's how the conversation went.

"Hello, this is Punjaub, how may I help you?"

"Hello Punjaub. G'day, mate. My, er, computer is slow, and I keep getting these pop-ups, and my internet explorer is off the chain."

"Huh? What is your name, please?"

"Vee!"

"Huh? V?"

"Yes, Vee as in Vee-Jay records. The fab four once recorded on that label. As well as Capital, Swan, and Decca. Vee. As in valedictorian, voluminous, and viral."

"Punjaub now understands. I want to hold your hand, eh? And, Vee, you habitate on Golden Pond. Is that close to Pond Jovi? Pleasantries aside, Punjaub will now attempt to rectify your problem."

"Thanks."

"No problem. Hold on. Let me check your system. Let me see, Vee. Ooh. Hold on. Yes. No! Oh, Vee. I have detected a terrible virus in your system."

"Really."

"Vee, after careful examination I am afraid you have the worst computer virus known to mankind."

"That bad, eh?"

"I'm afraid so. Hold on, I must consult Indira for her professional expertise. Hold on, please. Yes, Indira, this is Punjaub. I have a customer on line with virus creating havoc on Golden Pond computer. Savvy?"

"Hello, Punjaub, this is Indira. I have never seen such a virus. But that is why we are here. To help the guests. Our task will be difficult. I suggest we snip here, snip there, until we get to root of problem."

"Yes, Indira, I told customer charge for problem-solving is 40 in American dollars."

"Good job, Punjaub. Even tho we reside in India and have outsourced many American jobs, we are dedicated to helping the Americans in their time of need. Vee, click on Network and Internet connections."

"Right!"

[ After 6 hours of snipping here, snipping there ]

"Okay, Vee. Problem solved. That was a booger, as you say in your country."

"Thanks, Punjaub and Indira."

"Glad to assist you in outsourced India. Most Americans we help are of the passive-aggressive type. You were champ."

"Thanks!"

"May we assist you with anything else?"

"No, thank you. Give my regards to Broadway."

"Likewise to Kitty. You have a wonderful day."

"You, too. Buh bye."

The agony of defeat. Ready to crash and burn-I never learn.

Farewell and adieu, vee

From the Archives 3/21/2004

Writing a column on the yahoo isn't all it's cracked-up to be. There's deadlines to meet, passive-aggressive proof readers to mollify, <> and nosy editors who peruse your column and snip here and snip there. And before you know it, the column is reduced to a shell of its original message.

Then there's the FCC to contend with. <> A few months ago, the boys on high ruled that saying the "f" word via the airwaves was a.o.k. And we were tempted to headline the "f" word in a future column.

But that was before Janet Jackson ruined it for everybody by exposing her right breast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Since we don't have tivo on the pond, we had to wait until the next day for the exciting climax of events. Her partner in crime, one of the backstreet boys, was in on the red herring, as we all learned in the aftermath.

Then there's Briggs, my r.m., who keeps trying to ferret out my secret identity. He seems to think I'm pictruandtru. But I told him that pictru is Farty Heliyum and lives in southern Florida, home of the hanging chads. And that Slim Stealson is the r.m. in that locale.

At our last mgr.'s meeing he tried to tripp me up. It was during a break in the action- a ten minute break. We were milling about-a few guys were smoking cigarettes, heavy on the nicotine, when Briggs fired the first shot:

"You like movies, don't you Alan?"

"Sure, I've seen a few. Doesn't everybody?"

"Are you passionate about movies? You know, the old movies. Filmed in black and white. I bet you really like the science fiction genre?"

"Well, sort of."

"You ever seen 'I Was A Teenage Werewolf?'"

"Yeah, with Michael J. Fox. Funny movie."

"Ever heard of a movie about an alien vegetable who wreaks havoc on the Earth and stars James Arness?"

"Huh?"

"'Twenty Million Miles To Earth?'"

"Huh?"
"Do you like the Rolling Stones? Ever been to Altamount, back in the day?"
"Those guys are old enough to be my grandfather. Nah, I liked the big-haired bands with the stylish coifs."

"What's your favorite movie of all time? Would it be 'Jaws?'"

"No. My favorite is either 'Harold and Maude' or 'Brewster McCloud.'"

"How's the family? What's your wife's name? Kitty, isn't it?"

"They're doing just fine. Kitty? My wife's name is Hillary. Why all the questions, Briggs?"

"Just curious. I want to know as much as I can about all of my fine charges. Well, break's over. See you back inside."

See what I mean. Sure it seems like a glamourous profession, but writing a column on your company's message board isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's hard work. New ideas to think up, deadlines, wives, editors, bosses, etc. You've got to invent new tag lines, so the material doesn't get stale. The list goes on and on. In the end, however, it's all about everyone wanting a piece of the pie.

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. From the bridge over troubled waters.

P.S.S. Kitty just informed me that the above tag line is currently in use. Dammit. Got to start all over again.

Seemingly Lost

Seemingly lost in this underbrush
We sat and talked of things long ago.
Leaving my hand to untie the straps of your hunger
I can laugh and still be all alone.

I wrote this song back in the day. There's more to it , of course. The last tune I wrote. Circa 1978. Never wrote another one.

Then there was:

Phantom subsidy, Pleutonic Pig
Collaring all my money for your fill.
Rancher's daughter in her room
I'll be home very soon.
Take the money from the stairs
Invite the law-we don't care.

The above: circa 1971.

Then there was:

Crowded places trying to kill me
Reminding me of my youth
Re-emergence but no one sees me
Abyss to rule my truths.

But I read the pages here and there
To keep my mind to know you care
It doesn't matter-you're always there.

As she flies and smiles into my eyes
Reckless how she swings loosely crying,
To marriage darkness righteous night....

Then there was:

One day as I dream of windswept wilds
Reaching limits excelled in my forsaken times;
I'll only be waiting
And you'll be there.

To love and be loved-no more trying times.
Farewell and goodbye to mundane lines.
I won't need them.
Do I need them now?

That's it for now. Lyrics-copyright v.c. productions.

P.S. Well, I'm thinking of the changes.
Mind's frayed at its edges.
No time on longing for past heroics.
Pandora's open-no way to close her.

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

Mad As Hell Revisited

It's been a while since I, v.c., have written any forays into the infantile, much less anything of substance.

Apologies go out to Glen Campbell who must have been having a bad hairday when his picture was taken.

I remember that he was an excellent guitarist and played on some Beachboy's stuff. Then he went out on his own and recorded "Wichita Lineman" and "By the Time I Get To Phoenix." Because of his popularity he was given his own variety show.

My wife's stepfather used to watch the show-he also liked Hee-Haw-and after a few drinks, he would mimic G.C.'s voice with a rousing:

"Hi. I'm Glenn Campbell."

Just looked it up on google. Yes, he was in "True Grit." Along with the Duke, who finally won an academy award for his portrayal of Rooster Cogburn. Campbell played "La Bouef." Is that pronounced La Boo or is it La Boof or is it La Bo? Maybe some of the La. readers can come to the rescue.

Well, that's about it. Another post about nothing. But at least it's a start.

Farewell and adieu, eh? v.c.

P.S. You may now disembark the nite train-ready to crash and burn-I never learn. ( A tip of the cap to catfitch. )

Mad As Hell!

I'm mad as hell and I ain't gonna take it no more.