"Swimmingly" and "Nude Swimming Scene"

Well, I went to the gym today. For the first time. I signed up back in the chilly days of January. All set to shed some lbs. and to get stronger. Lucy, what happened?

Exactly. My mom took a spill in a gopher hole and my life hasn't been the same since.

You got to get back in the fray some time, so today was it.

I stumbled into the front door and flashed my coded card to a machine which authenticated my membership. I told the two young femmes I was here for the first time and could they point me in the direction of the jacuzzi.

I headed to the locker room, donned my bathing suit, and waded into the bubbling water. It was warm and toasty. The Olympic pool was in close proximity and soon I was splashing about allah Johnny Weismuller in "Tarzan Conquers Africa and Later Cleveland, Ohio."

I swam underwater; on my back; and even the normal style, making each lap in about 40 seconds. Not bad for an old guy. It only takes 35.5 laps to do a mile. It reminded me of my final exam in swimming at Rowdy University. Navigate a mile free-style and you pass the course. I have never been so exhausted in all my life. It ain't no joke.

I only managed 5 or six laps this time and reverted-quickly-to the jacuzzi. Noticing the ominous warnings-posted on the wall-about dizziness, pregnant women, older persons, fainting- I decided to extricate myself and head home.

When leaving, the young femmes asked "how did it go?"

I recounted the jacuzzi visit and the pool and told them I hadn't swam in a while, and I was exhausted.

"That's good," they said nodding their heads.

Saying goodbye I wondered if I should have replied: "I haven't swum in a while. so I'm exhausted."

I'm still thinking "swim, swam, swum" as I walk out to the Ford Pinto.

Then reality kicks in. Who in their right mind has ever used the word "swum" in a normal conversation? Not sure I ever have.

Swimmingly, and perhaps fittingly, this foray will end.

"Swim, swam, swum."

I swim; you swam; I have swum.

Do they even teach this stuff today?

Swum, v.c.

P.S. Pretty racy for 1934. See video below.

"Remember....the 5th of November"

"American Idol Winner"

Well, the voting is dunn ( and Bradstreet ), and the American Idol winner is the rocker named David, not the crooner with the same first name.

What an upset, eh? And I was so enthralled in the festivities-not-that I forgot all about it. If it hadn't been for Ernie, Reggie, Kenny, and Chuck talking about it after the NBA Western Conference Series, I would not be writing this column.

And speaking of the Chuckster ( Charles Barkely ) seems he paid his $400,000 gambling debt to the Las Vegas casino. He has said he will quit gambling....for now, that is.

Michael Jordan had issues with gambling; even Desi Arnez; and then there's Pete Rose and Art Schlicter.

A quick farewell and skidoo, v.c.

P.S. You got to know when to hold 'em....

"Phi Zappa Krappa"

Hello Rock-and "rock on, Lubys." Yes, the infamous Zappa Krappa still.

If you peruse my popular pages-an oxymoron at best-you will find Krappa tops the list.

Wonder if you take a crappa in Heaven?

Here's the list:

19 GOLDEN POND: "Phi Zappa Krappa"
19 GOLDEN POND: 02/01/2006 - 03/01/2006
18 GOLDEN POND: "77 Sunset Strip"
10 GOLDEN POND: Big-Ass Storm-Response to clifhenry
9 GOLDEN POND: "Lee Strasberg School of Acting"
7 GOLDEN POND: "Post Secret Blog"
6 GOLDEN POND: "Mystery Guest: Sign in, Please!"
5 GOLDEN POND: "Sample and Hold"
5 GOLDEN POND: "First Super Bowl Hero Max McGhee Dies After Falling Off The Roof Of His House"
5 GOLDEN POND: 08/01/2005 - 09/01/2005
5 GOLDEN POND: "Johnny Got His Gun"
5 GOLDEN POND: "Pet Sounds"
4 GOLDEN POND: 06/01/2005 - 07/01/2005
4 GOLDEN POND: "Coach Goes Ballistic" and "I'm Forty-Come After Me!"
3 GOLDEN POND: "Twelve Angry Men"
3 GOLDEN POND: "House on Haunted Hill"
3 GOLDEN POND: "Flesh Gordon"
3 GOLDEN POND: "I Married a Democrat from Outer Space"

"Family Affair"

My mom is now in rehab. And is doing good except for her cough. Methinks she may have gotten it from me. As mentioned earlier, I had been stricken with a form of the Hong-Kong flu and felt like shit. It lasted for a couple of weeks, and yet, as usual, I never missed work trudging through it all.

Did anyone give a shit that I worked while sick? A resounding "Hell no!" Most didn't know I was sick. Only a cough and my eyes betrayed me.

Mom is back to her anal self, so that's a good sign.

"Is this the nightgown you wanted?" I asked.

"No, I wanted the frilly-dilly-willy one. You got the shrilly-nilly-silly one!"

"I will take this one back and try again."

"I think my son is color-blind," she said somewhat rhetorically.

Oh, well. It's as Roseanne Rosanadanna used to lament: "It's always something!"

Gimme shelter, v.c.

"New Bedtime Story"

"Tell us a bed-time story, gramps."

"Now, wait a minute. I have told you rowdy grandkids never to call me gramps. You know I prefer to be called grandfather vee."

"Sorry, gram..., er, grandfathger vee. Tell us a story, puhleeze. Yeh, one about the food biz."

"Now don't get me started. If there's any thing your grandfather vee hates is any mention of that term."

"Why is that?"

"It exploits the working class and serves crappy food."

"What does exploit mean?"

"It means you pay people a low salary, and they can never pull themselves up by the boot straps."

"But ain't, er, it's not their fault, is it? Don't people have choices in their lives, and don't they screw up and make some really bad decisions?"

"Ok. Who switched my 6 year old grand kids? Who are you kids? Aliens?"

"We're not aliens from another planet-not even extraterrestial carrots-; we've just been watching the Democratic debates between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton."

"That reminds your grandfather vee. Where in the hell is my check?

"What check, granm..., er, grandfather vee?"

"My economic stimulant recovery check. I wonder if I'll get $600 or the minimum, $300."

"What kind of check is that?"

"With fuel costs spiraling out of control and the economy heading for a recession, the powers-that-be decided to give everyone in the good old U.S. of A. a bit of chump change, er, cash to go out and spend. In hopes of revving up the economy."

"What are you gonna do with the money? Will you take us to 6 Flags or Disney World?"

"With gas heading to $4.00 a gallon, we better stay home. And play games like Monopoly, Spades, or Charades."

"We wanta go to Disney World. We've never heard of those games, anyhoo. Subversive they sound. Yes, they do."

"Look, when I was your age, we didn't have computers and theme parks and video games. And, believe it or not, gas was only 25 cents a gallon. Even cigarettes. Even a quart of oil."

"Huh? What happened to our grandfather? An alien has abducted his body allah invasion of the body snatchers. He's talking nonsense, this alien abductor is."

"Now, kids, it's still your grandfather vee. It's hard to believe, but it's true. Yep. And cokes were a nickel. And candy bars. too. Except, of course, a 'Chunky' was 10 cents. Must have been the nuts and raisins that made it cost so much. And it wasn't even that big."

"Are you pulling our leg? Yes, that's it. Petrol was never less than $2 per gallon."

"Kids, I have warned you for the last time. No more Hillary-Barama debates for you. You will listen to your fairy tales from me only."

"We're getting sleepy, grandfather vee."

"Close those little eyes, you rowdy kids. Tomorrow I'll take you to Mickey D's and get you all a happy meal."

"Imagine gas for only a quarter. What a jokester, our grandfather vee! Yawn. And candy for a nickel? Who'd a thunk it? Yawn...."

"Homecoming Week"

I recently received this reply from an old buddy of mine. From back in the days of one Piccadilly Cafeteria-may it rest in piece, er, pieces, er, peace.

I just happened to peruse my old posts tonight-so forgive me for the late response-and came across this interesting tidbit from clifhenry:

are you f-----g crazy? revolver? pet sounds? where's your tony orlando? Where's your annette funicello? (remember tall paul? that's rock and roll, my katrina-whacked friend.) and never mind lesley gore, who was so bouncy she brought tears to the eyes of strong dudes, and may have been involved in helping her brother, al, in pioneering the internet.

you disappoint me.

clifhenry

5:40 PM

Yes, I recall those halcyon days of Leslie Gore-"it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. And playing the popular "spin the bottle" with dames at 12 years of age. Annette on "Mickey Mouse Club" and surfing with the gang via "Beach Blanket Bingo." I liked "Katrina-whacked friend." Shows alotta ingenuity and brilliance for coining a phrase. But Tony Orlando and Dawn-now that is disappointment with a capital "D." And whatever happened to Engelbert Humperdink?

Good to hear from the clifster. Via Sacramento.

P.S. You would cry, too, if it happened to you.

"The Return of the Catfish"

"House on Haunted Hill" was my last foray. April 20th. And today is May 6th. I haven't gone this long without posting in many moons. I was prepared to write something yesterday, but life keeps getting in the way.

Yes, I admit to being in somewhat of a malaise. I have had the "Hong Kong" flu or some derivative for the last week or so; plus, me mom has been in the hospital for over two weeks. Her gall bladder exploded and required immediate surgery. At age 82, as we all know, this procedure carries big-time risks.

She's been a champion through it all. Her latest setback was having blood clots in her arthritic legs. As Ernie Johnson, long-time Atlanta Braves announcer-since retired-once coined the phrase: "getting old ain't for sissies."

My sis and niece flew in from the Frisco Bay ( shades of Otis Redding ), and my other niece, who lives in the conservative hamlet know as Orange County, flew the friendly skies, as well.

As they were staying at my mom's house, a pipe burst spilling raw sewage into the basement. Twenty five hundred dollars later-and thank gawd I didn't have to get into that mess-the problem was solved. The company that my sis dispatched wore space suits while slurping up the goo. Times have changed, eh? Hell, I would have cleaned it up for half that amount. Or done it for nothing. I'm sure I cleaned up worse at H.W. [ Hell-Whole ], my old employment venue.

So it's been kinda topsy-turvey in the life of the Catfish, aka yours truly. And thanks for inquiring, Rock. I haven't heard from you since Tony Romo did the el foldo, and the N.Y. Giants won the Super Bowl. And what about the Tuna spurning Atlanta for sunny Miama Beach?

As Conrad Birdie once said: "Life's a ball if only you know it."

And I must say: "Time flies when yer havin' fun.

Gimme shelter, v.c.

P.S. Dark Side of the Moon," eh? Wish I could have been there....in attendance. Reminds me of an old Yahoo post of mine: "Dark Side of the Boon!"