"From the Archives"

I was perusing some of my old stuff on the Yahoo tonite , while watching the basketball game [ Suns/Clippers ] and ran across this ditty, which is submitted for your approval and perusal. Written 8-15-04 at the ungodly hour of 2:04 a.m.:

Dammit, Hoots, 6:30 in the a.m. Goodness! Quiche Louise! What time did you begin writing this grand opus? But what a fine opus it was.

I, too, had a good teacher. No, it wasn't Bronco Billy. By the time I came under his tutelage, his brain cells had diminished to the point of no return.

My mentor prepared me in the same way. To field the many queries by being prepared. And stream line my answers so as not to disrupt the proceedings. With a happy ending for all. Yes, it was my old scout master, Mr. Baloce.

A sampling of how his words of wisdom made me painfully aware of the thin line between having a happy guest or an unhappy camper.

1) Guest: "Truck you!"

Response: "Sir. My old alma mater. Are you an alum?"

2) Guest: "There's a cherry pit in my cobbler. I broke a tooth."

Response: "Sir, the cherry pit is indigenous to the cherry. Sorry!"

3) Guest: "It's too cold in here. Turn off the a/c now!"

Response: "We certainly appreciate your patronage and we hope you will continue to dine here, but thru my many years experience-and by being married to Kitty-most women fall into two groups. The ones that are always too cold/the ones that are always too hot. The latter seems to be more prevalent. I suggest, madam, that you consult your doctor for any hormonal imbalances."

4) Guest: "Hey, you lying piece of horse shit, I want the fresh fried chicken!"

Response: "Sir/Madam, please refrain from cursing. Or you may be escorted from the premises. And btw, we are in need of a cashier. Do you have any relatives interested in the position?"

5) Guest: "Your cafeteria is in need of a remodel. I demand that you have one next week."

Response: "Sir/Madam, what synchronicity. I just made a call to Zakaspace a few minutes ago. Have a nice day."

6) Guest: "I found a feather on my chicken wing, you moron. What's wrong with this place?"

Response: "Sir/Madam, I apollo-gize. Consider using the feather as a toothpick. Especially in the rear recesses of the mouth."

7) Guest: "I went into the bathroom and it smelled of poo."

Response: "Sir/Madam, I apologize, but it's just another brick in the stall. Apollo-g's to Pink Floyd, again."

8) Guest: "Hey, you! Come here! I came here to unwind after a hard day at work. And these kids are swinging on the chandeliers, swimming in the fountain, crying, and running amok. Can't you do something?"

Response: "Sir/Madam, I would suggest in the future that you please not attend our establishment on rowdy kid's nite."

9) Guest: "I broke my tooth while nibbling on my fried chicken. What are you going to do about it. I demand restitution."

Response: Sir/Madam, as a part-time lawyer, it pains me to tell you that your teeth fall into the gray area of depreciation. Although your teeth were once new 80 years ago, when we factor in the depreciation of time and space, they ain't worth a plug nickel today. Sorry!"

10) Guest: "You have the best eating establishment in the state. No, the country. No, the world. No, the universe."

Response: "Thanks! And you made my day. Glad you liked my 'lost in the archives post,' too.
It was submitted for your approval/perusal just like this one. Have you heard from Fritz, lately?

Farewell and adieu, v.c.

P.S. Once I got started, I couldn't stop. Quiche Louise, another sleepless in seattle, er, N'awlins foray into the infantile.