"Ouch!"

 

Updated: 03:27 AM EDT
Jury Awards $1.7 Million to Woman Spanked at Work

By JULIANA BARBASSA, APFRESNO, Calif. (April 29) - A jury awarded $1.7 million Friday to a woman who was spanked in front of her colleagues in what her employer called a camaraderie-building exercise.

The jury of six men and six women found that Janet Orlando, 53, was subjected to sexual harassment and sexual battery when she was paddled on the rear end two years ago at Alarm One Inc., a home security company in Fresno. The jury said Orlando did not suffer from sexual assault, as she had alleged 

"Concussion"

 

Updated: 10:05 AM EDT
Keith Richards Hospitalized After Falling Out of Tree

WELLINGTON (April 29) - Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards has suffered a mild concussion while vacationing in Fiji and was flown to hospital in New Zealand as a precaution, a spokeswoman for the band said in a brief statement Saturday. 

"Ya Got That Sand All Over Your Feet"

 

A classic from the Fab 4. Written by Carl "Blue Suede Shoes" Perkins.

P.S. Sung by Ringo Starr, circa back inna day. [ click here ] 

"Sexy Sadie"

 

The Fab 4 went to India, circa 1968, to meet with the Maharishi. As a result, John wrote this song. [ click here ] 

"Kitty and Flower Power"

 

Kitty was engaged back in the latter days of the 60's. Cos it was 1, 2, 3, 4

What are we fightin' for
Don't ask me
I don't give a damn
Next stop is Viet Nam

Ah, memories. And like we used to say back in those days: the "word" is love! [ click here for a special tune ] It's all good, v.c. 

"Happy Anniversary"

 

About a month ago me and Kitty celebrated our 28th wedding anniversary. Because we married in our teens that makes us around 44 years old. Time flies when your havin' fun.

Kitty pulled out the old scrapbook tonite as she often does when she wants to relive old times. And the above photo is our favorite. [ the ed. is foregoing the English spelling i.e. favourite in lieu of the American version ]

Because I'm going balder faster than Yul Brynner on the set of "The 10 Commandments" and "Westworld," and "The King and I," while I'm at it [ etc. etc. etc., eh? ] it reminds me of a time when I didn't worry about "old timers" maladies creepin' around the corner. And I didn't have to take a little blue pill for stamina, er, performance. And I didn't take pills for cholesterol. When we took this picture, we didn't know what the fork cholesterol was. Etc. Etc. Etc. apologies to the King of Siam.

Reliving old times makes me sad, however. Katlain is now a "grown-up" teenager. And is heading to "Fork U." in the fall. Soon it will be just me and Kitty. And Charlie Jr., who will never leave the homestead, I'm afraid. And Neil Diamond, our black cat, and Penny [ Lane ] the Poo.

Ain't life grand? Ah, memories.

Gimme shelter, v.c.

P.S. When I think back
On all the crap I learned in high school [ Rowdy High, that is ]
It's a wonder
I can think at all
And though my lack of edu---cation
Hasn't hurt me none
I can read the writing on the wall

Kodachrome
They give us those nice bright colors
They give us the greens of summers
Makes you think all the world's a sunny day, Oh yeah
I got a Nikon camera
I love to take a photograph
So mama don't take my Kodachrome away

P.S.S. Apologies to rhymin' Simon 

"Pensive"

 

Yes, this is a picture of me that was corralled by my cell phone. Yes, pensive am I as I ponder the question: "What the Fork was I Thinking?" 

"Stevie Nicks and Fleetwood Mac"

 

My former employer broke the chain. 

"Trivia from v.c."

 

Submitted for your approval 

"Who is this man and why is he angry?"

 

1) My boss. While giving me my evaluation.
2) Babs Streisand's husband, pissed when reporters refer to him as Mr. Streisand.
3) Colonel Parker, manager to Elvis, rejecting a film deal from Hal Wallis.
4) Ted Turner, regretting his decision to marry Babs, er, Jane Fonda, shortly after the wedding.
5) Ted Turner, after learning someonedefaced one of his billboards.
6) Ted Turner at a news conference, referring to Rupert Murdoch [ FOX ] as Hitler 

"From what movie?" And who be the stars?

 

1) "A Star Is Born" Kris Kristofferson and Babs Streisand
2) "The Eyes of Laura Mars" Tommy Lee Jones and Faye Dunaway
3) "Dressed to Kill" Brian de Palma and Babs Streisand
4) "True Grit" Glen Campbell and John Wayne
5) "Star Wars" Carrie Fisher and Nick Nolte
6) "Babs Streisand" Babs Streisand and Babs Streisand 

Who said: "I just busted a button on me trousers; hope they don't fall down. You wouldn't want me trousers to fall down, now would you?

 

1) Mick Jagger at a senior citizen concert in Bejing, China
2) Nick Nolte in "The Prince of Tides."
3) Bill Clinton masquerading as Prince Charles one faithful nite in the oval office with Monica Lewinsky
4) Hugh Grant
5) Ted Kennedy, who is disqualified as being an answer, because he owns no trousers. 

"Who is this person?"

 

1) Played Dr. Mandell in the 80's tv show, "St. Elsewhere."
2) Famed tattooist, "Ouch Wiggley," who has the Guiness World Record for body piercings.
3) Invented no-doze
4) Heir to the wite-out fortune
5) Mickey Dolenz of the Monkees
6) Game show host for "Deal or No Deal."
7) 2,3, and 5.
8) Yul Brynner's l'il brother. 

"Co-starred in what Elvis movie?

 

1) "Follow That Bream" Elvis plays-what else-a down-on-his-luck fisherman who loves the girls.
2) "Brew Hawaii" Elvis plays-what else-a down-on-his-luck bartender in the 50th state who loves the girls.
3) "Love Me Fender" Elvis plays-what else-a down-on-his-luck rock n roll star who loves the girls.
4) "Loving U." Elvis goes to college-where else-and finds love in matriculation.
5) None of the above, because the above were figments of my imagination. 

"What is the name of v.c.'s [ yours truly ] new book?"

 

1) "What the Fork?"
2) "Forkin' A"
3) "What the Fork Were They Thinking?"
4) "What the Fork Was I Thinking?"
5) "From Truck U. to Fork U."
6) all of the above 

"Why is he leaving?"

 

1) Fired because he couldn't recite all of the ingredients in the Big Mac jingle
2) Burger King hires him to play the part of the "King" in its new ad campaign
3) Quits when he discovers McDonalds duped the public by cooking its fries in animal fat
4) Quits in protest when he learns that his mchens are fed on mcGE chicken mcfeed 

"Who is this old fart?"

 

1) An old fart masquerading as a door-to-door doctor, who gives breast exams.
2) An artist's sketch of Glen Campbell in his late 70's.
3) The "real" birdman of Alcatraz
4) Bill Clinton's first press secretary who resigned.
5) The ex "Hair Club" President for Men 

"Who be this trio?"

 

1) Sailed on the Mayflower, circa 1492, as deck hands, and heard Columbus shout, "Land Ho!"
2) Ghost writers for Mario Puzo. Coined the phrase, "I'll make you an offer you can't refuse.
3) Danny of the Juniors, a rock and roll band from the 50's.
4) Three of the extras on the set of "Billy Jack." One tin soldier rides away, eh? 

"Yeah, Right!"

 

"The Food Biz Sux" by vietnamcatfish
by: vietnamcatfish (39/M/golden pond) 04/20/06 02:11 am
Msg: 7568 of 7568

I have come to the realization that the food biz sux a big donkey .... I actually came to this conclusion years ago, but because they kept "showing me the money," I stayed and stayed and stayed.

In hindsight, I now see where I forked up. The food biz today is a cutthroat, dog eat dog, environment.

Then there's the customers/guests/forkers who can be a big pain in the ass. Due to extensive training on the battleground of HellWhole, I believe I can handle most any situations.

Then there's the passive-aggressive bosses who have type A personalities out the ying-yang. And who have a hard time dealing with the laid-back catfish.

Fork 'em all, cos they really consider you to be just "another brick in the stalls." At least at my new digs, whenever I happen to come across a brick in the stalls, [ euphemism ] I can just "walk away, Renee." Yes, there is a God!

In conclusion, I must reiterate: "the food biz sux." And for those who don't work there, please do me a favor. Don't say:

"It's Friday!" Friday to food biz personnel means "it's just another day." [ thanks go out to Paul Mac ]

"Your chili has too many beans."

"Your prices are too high!"

"Give Susie a raise!"

Etc.

This foray may be misinterpreted by the viewing public. My stream of consciousness was written calmly and with no anger, whatsoever.
The new business buzzword says it all: "It is what it is!"

Fork, v.c.

P.S. When coming into contact with a food service employee, whether it be at Burger King, McDonalds, Hardee's, say a kind word to the people working there. They put up with a lot of crap while standing on their feet all day.

P.S.S. For more exhilirating repartee, visit my blog. Please hit this link. I am trying to catch the hootster. 32 thou to 8 thou sux. So hit it often. Please! My self-esteem may be at stake.

http://vietnamcatfish.blogspot.com/
 

"Songs In The Key of Life"

 

This is one of my favorite albums. And me and old Betsy have enjoyed listening while cruising to work and tooling home. "As" and "Another Star" are two unbelievable songs.  

Condoleezza Rice Subject of Racially Offensive Test Question

The question read: "Condoleezza holds a watermelon just over the edge of the roof of the 300-foot Federal Building, and tosses it up with a velocity of 20 feet per second."

"Animal Tranquilizer and Steppenwolf"

 

What the fork was he thinking? 

"What the Fork Was I Thinking?"

"Take this brother; may it serve you well!"

I was a mere lad of 16 back in the haze of the late 60's. I was a normal [ ? ] teenager. Obsessed with dames [ sorry, Bogie ]; infatuated with Playboy magazine; hooked on Phonics, er, cigarettes; and dumber than dumb, er, naive to the world around me.

I missed the polio craze, but my country was embroiled in a war in SE Asia. The younger generation's musical tastes had shifted dramatically. No longer were "Herman's Hermits" and "The Dave Clark Five" in demand with their simple lyrics and melodies. They had been replaced with "The Grateful Dead," "Cream," and Jimi Hendrix. All along the watchtower, eh? Lyrics went from "I love you, and you love me, to "light my fire" and "god damn the pusher, man."

The world was morphing; where she stopped, nobody would know. All of [ us ] young dudes were going through dem changes. There was no blueprint; our course was uncharted.

I happened to run into an old friend from Rowdy High at a concert featuring "Steppenwolf," the summer after I graduated.

"Hey, Randy. What's happening?" I asked me old chum.

"Hey, dude. I'm trippin' on some heavy animal tranquilizer. Far out."

I'm thinking, "Wow. What the fork happened to him?" Evidently, he was on a magic carpet ride. I would never have thought he was born to be wild. Cos he was Mr. Preppie at R.H. and had come from a straight-laced family, whose dad was a prominent architect.

"Heavy, dude," was all I could muster.

"Far out, dude." he said and stumbled away into the darkness.

Animal tranquilizer? King Kong came to mind, and a man-eating tiger a'loose in NY City, or a crazed elephant attacking its trainer at the zoo. But a fellow graduate from my alma mater? What the fork was going on?

It is well-chronicled in "WTForkWIT" that my sister is a liberal. Not just a liberal, but a livin' on the edge over-the-top one. And it behooves me to reiterate I was 6.25 years her junior. Not 6.75 which caused her to demand a retraction in an earlier foray. Because of the age difference, she was more mature and worldly than me.

So at the tender age of 16, she was 22.25. One fall day [ circa '68 ] she and her artist boyfriend paid a visit to my sleepy hamlet, smack dab in the middle of suburbia. My mom was at work, so we had the house to ourselves. She was attending nursing school at the time, with visions of becoming the next Clara Barton or Florence Nightingale. He was a tall forker, 6 feet 5 inches, with semi-long hair that didn't touch his shoulders. On top of his head a round hat he wore, a mack perhaps. And he wore small oval John Lennon glasses.

"Hi, Sis. What brings you here?" I asked, as she wasn't one to drop back by the old homestead.

"Hello, l'il brother. This is my boyfriend, John."

"Er, hello," I said, a bit intimidated by this tall hippie forker.

John immediately lights up a cigarette and we all take a seat in the den. I am amazed when he flicks his ashes on the hardwood floor. Evidently, John felt there was no need for an ashtray when LBJ was escalating the war in Hanoi. And Lt. Calley was committing atrocities in My Lai. And servicemen were enjoying the smell of napalm in the morning. And women were burning their bras and shedding their girdles. And blacks were rioting in the streets of Selma, Alabama.

After a few prolonged seconds, my liberal sis looked John squarely in the eye and said, "let's do it."

He was quick to oblige and pulled out a small bag which looked like something that comes out the end of your lawn mower. I may have been 16 and naive as hell, but I knew it was a bag of marijuana.

What a predicament. One part of me said, "let's get it on. Hey, the lads from Liverpool and Bobby Dylan indulge and look what great music they make." Another part of me said, "it's wrong, vee. If you take a toke you will never be the same. You saw "reefer madness" last week at Rowdy High, and you will become a pyschopath or a 20th century schizoid man. Don't do it, vee. You are letting your mom down and the rest of your family. If you smoke, you will follow in the worthless footsteps of your dad. Don't do it, vee."

My curiosity aroused, I partook in a few tokes.

"Do you feel different, l'il brother?" sis asked?

John chipped in with: "He won't get stoned on his first 'foray.'"

"I think I'm stoned," I said.

John lit a few more cigarettes, dumping each ash on top of the others, and soon they said they were ready to go.I gave them a ride home and dropped them off. I was feeling a bit risque, and instead of going straight home, stopped by the old soft porn theatre, where your feet stuck to the floor. Coke syrup spills, naturally.
I was diggin' the twinbill while under the effects of this new sensation. Watching young women with large breasts and having sex was every young boy's dream. Even tho' some of the flicks were a bit on the macabre side.

My first foray turned out to be uneventful. My sis has apologized to me throughout the years "for turning me on." I thought nothing of it, cos I wanted to break on through to the other side. And soon I would be breaking through and then some.

"Another Classic B/Whiter From Back In the Day"

 

Happy Easter but be careful of pods in your living room or den. 

"Everybody Got One"

 

Today I started writing another chapter in the book. For those who don't know what the fork I'm talking about, the manuscript is aptly entitled: "What the Fork Was I Thinking?"

I stopped when it seemed like I was just going through the motions. And tonite I'm too tired and without a creative spurt to continue.

It's all good, v.c. 

"Dear Readers of The Pond" or "Tres Hombres"

Thank you for reading "The Pond." The stories that are perceived by yours truly, which in turn are then manufactured as forays into the infantile, have always been submitted for your approval and perusal.

Thanks to my buddies the bbq man, slippery, and hoots [ in no particular order of importance ] who have inspired me through the years. [ apologies to Kenny Rogers ]
If it weren't for them there is no telling what the fork I would be doing right now; Shirley, not sitting in front of the computer.

Hoots now writes his own blog called "hootsbuddy's place." Professionally done as if it were Walter Winchell or Edward R. Murrow's place. From Iraq to jokes to abortion, the boy, a semi-retired flower child of the 60's, has got it going on.

Me and Slippery hooked up [ urban slang ] about a year ago. Once members of "The Band on the Run" back in the hey-day of Rowdy High, our alma mater, we are now fraternal hombres of the cosmos-may the [ synchronistic ] force be with you. Slippery has been fretting lately over a career move. He has made his decision and is now content with telling the brass to "fork-off." Good move, slip; we will be pulling for you.

Mi amigo in sunny, eastern Florida, the enigmatic bbq man and I met on the Internet. An unlikely alliance, eh? For some reason we cliqued. [ sp? pun, perhaps? ] We used to IM each other all the time but after he got married, moved into his house, and weaned himself from a company for which he once toiled, we don't communicate as much as we used to. C'est la vie. It's all food biz, er, show biz.

Well, the clock on the wall says it's time to bid adieu. Plus, John McClain is about to free the hostages via "Die Hard." So, thanks again to mi tres hombres.

Gimme shelter, v.c.

P.S. Yippie Cow-Eh, mother....Happy Trails, Hans

"21st Century Schizoid Man"

 

"Break time for "The Pond." 

"What the Fork Was I Thinking"

Chapter III

It was evaluation time. I had been at my new digs for a year. I had slaved for 30 years at my last job, and we had evaluations like every other business entity in these corporate/capitalistic United States. So I knew the process.

My new employer was changing its evaluations from a subjective one where everyone gets 4's or 5's on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the best, to objective ones [ yeah, right ] where you're graded by your actual performance. [ yeah, right ] Believe it or not, my new company is 3 years behind the times; why they hadn't implemented this already was surprising to yours truly.

In the beginning, my old company had had meetings with the management to explain the new process. We gathered at one of the cafeterias which had a large private dining room. The loss-control manager was giving the presentation to our group of managers which numbered around 40 or so, the usual suspects:

"Hello, as most of you know, I'm Hatrick McDonald. I see some familiar faces. v.c., how you been doing? Still leading the company in slips and falls? And team members who break their legs while simulating sliding into third base, when actually gliding ungracefully under the coke machine and landing in the drain underneath."

"Fork you, too," I was thinking but, instead, said aloud: "you gotta love this guy! Fine, Hatrick. And since the company came to their senses and put some forking slip proof goo around the drink area, accidents have been reduced to almost zero. Btw, the goo is coming up and there are potholes everywhere."

"Thanks for letting me know. I will call the company and have them fix the problem, pronto. You know we have a life-time warranty with the 'Louisiana Floor Goo Company,' whose motto is:

'Having slips and falls
Do you got da balls
To make the calls

To Louisiana Floor Goo
Where we make it safe for you
And Boo too.'"

[ yeah, right I'm thinking ] Especially when I saw Lonesome George, the eccentric and enigmatic maintenance man, mumble something under his breath. Must have been funny, whatever it is he said, because he had a huge grin on his face.

"Hatrick, is this the same company that said their light bulbs lasted for 2 years? The ones we put in the dining room, ya know?" asked one of the group.

"No, that was the "Louisiana Light Bulb Company." Unfortunately, they are no longer in business. We made a mistake so moving forward.

Let's get back to why we're here. We are instituting a new grading system for evaluations. Hey, I'm getting graded, too. Yeah, that's right. My boss is grading me. I have strengths, and I have weaknesses. I may be good in communications, but in leadership I may be lousy. So my superior would rate me a 4 in the former and a 1 or 2 in the latter. Conversely, v.c., shirley, there's something you're good at."

The crowd roared. For some reason, I failed to catch the humour.

Hopefully, you, the reader, catch the drift of the new grading system. Another tool to screw the masses. Not only am I the President but am also a charter member. And my new company wanted to meet the Prez in the judicial branch of our corporate offices, so we could get down to business.

My appointment was scheduled at 4 p.m. eastern standard time. My boss, the honourable [ yeah, right ] general manager, was giving the review. In the afternoon I received a call from the aforementioned. 11 a.m. [ est ]

"Uh, v.c. this is Waddell! Would you like to come up now and get your evaluation early? I have some extra time!"

"Uh, Waddell. We're busy in the store; I can't come now." Translation: It's another wacky day in the food biz, and me and the team are trying to take care of the guests.

I'm sure he was disappointed. Shirley, he was frothing at the bit to get my ass in his office, so he could further ridicule/humiliate/chastize/denigrate me for his sadistic pleasures, er, share with me his admiration for a job well done, while rewarding me handsomely with a remunerative package that would dazzle yours truly. If you believe the latter, you are more forking naive than me.

At 3:55 he gave me a phone call to remind me the bewitching hour was nigh.

"I'm in the corridor, now, Waddell."

I entered his office and was greeted with a cordial:

"Have a seat, vee."

Sitting down, I wondered if I would have an uninterrupted one-on-one with him, or would I have to endure his many phone calls via the blackberry or guest appearances from every Tom, Dick, and Harry.

I would soon know my fate. Luckily, I had purchased two tubes of k-y jelly in advance. I would need it.

"YaHoo!"

Me and a few other people used to write on the PIC Yahoo message board. Back in the day. Circa 2001 to 2006. But as the company went kaput and all the old forkers left, the message board went down the toilet, as well. We had fun and wrote a lot of shit, er, shtick on said web site. Recently, clifhenry, an old alumnus, asked the 64 thousand dollar question: Where the hell did everybody go?" I wrote this reply to my old friend, even tho' I have no idea who the fork he is.

http://finance.messages.yahoo.com/bbs?.mm=FN&action=m&board=7083522&tid=pic&sid=7083522&mid=7549.

One thing I wrote illicited this response from someone in Jacksonville, Florida [ see anonymity ]:

Piccadilly appears to be doing better?
by: sassyinjaxfl (F/Jacksonville, Florida) 04/08/06 08:59 am
Msg: 7550 of 7557

According to this article in the Advocate.....


http://www.2theadvocate.com/news/business/2408661.html

After reading the article in the Advocate, I couldn't resist the following response:

Re: Piccadilly appears to be doing bette
by: vietnamcatfish (39/M/golden pond) 04/10/06 01:10 am
Msg: 7556 of 7557

I saw this article in the "Golden Pond Times." And I also read a letter to the editor [ editorial page ] later on in the week that was a rebuttal to the original findings. Here's the letter in its entirety:

What the fork were you thinking when your paper decided to publish this article? Yellow journalism at its finest. What a crock! Are you guys/gals on the payroll. Where's the objectivity? Huh? I would like to debate a few of the article's findings:

....“Despite all the hurricanes and closures last year, sales were up in 2005 versus 2004,” he said.

Rebuttal: Yeah, they raised the hell out of the prices. A super dilly is now $24 and change. Duh!

....“We are in such need for employees … we definitely have those concerns in trying to reopen,” he said. “It (reopenings) literally depend on employees, not on construction.”

Rebuttal: What he was really saying is: "We fired everybody that was dumb enough to work for us in the first place and not even illegal aliens will work for us. And N'awlins refugees-you got to be forkin' kiddin' me"

....As far as new restaurants, while not naming the locations, Feldman said the company has plans to build in a “few key markets,” and to remodel some existing stores.

Rebuttal: "Hellwhole" is being remodeled and the company is changing its name to "Hellhole." Subtle but effective. And plans are underway for PIC to expand internationally. Look for stores in Tijuana, Mexico and Havana, Cuba.

....Plus, a little over a year ago, Piccadilly introduced its new Piccadilly Food Service division, which provides on-site dining service for schools and businesses.

Rebuttal: "It's 'rowdy kids nite' every day at school," fawn the youngsters. Another idea they stole from one of their employees. See carrot souffle for more details. And business guests have been heard to say: "Not stuffed peppers, again!"

....Only two of the restaurants have kept the Morrison name — both in Mobile, Ala., the former headquarters of the company. Name recognition was so strong that it made sense to leave the name unchanged, Feldman said.

Rebuttal: Duh! 7 years ago or whenever the fork it was, is a little to late to be taking credit for this shrewd business plan. Moving forward....

....There have been big changes for the company; customers have noticed little ones, too.

About four years ago, Piccadilly went from using linen napkins, a touch of elegance, to papers ones, for instance.

The move wasn’t a cost-cutting one, however, but a move toward increased sanitation.

Rebuttal: Yeah, right! Sanitation, my ass. The maintenance men were laid-off/sequestered/termed/fired/ and the indudtrial strength washing machines broke down. because no one knew how to repair them or they couldn't buy parts, they were replaced with Maytags and Wal-Mart specials. "Would you like the warranty plan with that?"

....And about 16 months ago, Piccadilly company-wide stopped accepting checks for payment at its restaurants, a move it first started testing here two years ago.

Rebuttal: What a move! Should get PIC back on its feet and showing a profit soon. [ sarcastic rebuttal, actually ]

Several other new programs have been put into place more recently:

Every two to three months, Piccadilly introduces three new products, priced for $6.99 (entrée, two side dishes and bread).

Rebuttal: Smokeyard BBQ. Chicken Marsela. Meatballs Italiano. Nuff said.

....The restaurants are offering birthday parties, and there’s a new mascot — a 6-foot parrot named “Piccadilly Pete.”

In the first week of the program, Feldman was encouraged that six birthday parties had already been scheduled.

Rebuttal: Piccadilly Pete sux and Mr. Feldman's family, who has six kids, scheduled the 666, er, six birthday parties.


....“We have a lot of things to talk about and a lot of things to tell,” Feldman said.

Rebuttal: Most truthful thing said in the article. Unfortunately, it is the last line.

Signed, v.c. of Golden Pond

P.S. Sorry for the ruse. It was I who penned the rebuttals.

P.S.S. And whatever happened to a "red herring," eh?


Posted as a reply to: Msg 7550 by sassyinjaxfl

"Thanks, Sis?"

I sent my liberal sis a copy of the installment, "What the Fork Was I Thinking?" this week. Thought she might want to read something by her brother. Was I waiting with baited breath [ overused pun ] for her to say she liked my foray into the infantile. Was I thinking she'd give it magnanimous reviews? Was I thinking she would even venture to make a comment?

The answer is HELL NO!

Instead, she sends me some liberal spin blaming the Republicans for the war in Vietnam. Yeah, right. Why not blame it on George Bush while you're at it. I didn't want a forking history lesson. Arggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

What prompted her to send me any communication? This passage from "WTForkWIT?" stoked her ire:

JFK had gotten us into this mess while the French packed up and left. We were there to stop the flow of communism. Or that seemed to be the logic. Domino effect, shmomino effect.

How dare I slander her hero. And what the fork do I know anyway? Camelot, shmamalot.

As [ my ] God is my witness, I will never send her anything that is penned by the catfish again. Kaput! Fini.' I've forking had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dating back to childhood when I was 6.25 years her junior. What the fork was I thinking?

I will include the beautiful reply from my sister, which I didn't bother to read, stopping abruptly when I read where Dwight Eisenhower got us into the war. Send your "talking points" to another moron besides me. Nary a word about the content, mind you. Just some more bullshit political rhetoric that makes me want to puke!

Farewell and adieu from Jimmy Shelter

P.S. I've been putting up with this horse bleep as long as I can remember.

P.S.S. Here it is: if the reader is nauseous before reading and needs to hurl, read the whole forking thing for instant gratification!

How and why did the Vietnam War start?

Dear v.c., Thought you may be interested in this. Olga


Daniel Foster contributed the first answer. The last improvement was made by
195.93.21.69.
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Answer

The Vietnam war started because American president Eissenhower did not want
communism to spread throughout the world and eventually to America.


Answer

Extremely complex question that I will only scratch the surface of:

After WWII, President Truman (& other western allies) perceived communism
(at the time in the form of Soviet Union) as the largest threat. IN asia,
the turning point came when the communists won the civil war there against
the nationalists in late 1949. At that point, the U.S. thought all of
Southeast Asia (Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand) might fall to communist
forces (i.e., the "domino theory"). So starting in 1950, the U.S. started to
send military aid to France in Vietnam in hopes of stemming the "spread" of
communism. This was basically our same rationale for stepping into the
French's shoes after they pulled-out of Vietnam in 1955-56.


Answer

The basic answer is that the U.S. was asked by France, via NATO, to keep the
communists from "taking over" the French Territory. We sent troops over only
to advise, and from there WE were in it and it just went "to hell in a
handbasket" to quote a friend of mine. We left over 58,000 Brothers and
Sisters there.

Hope this helps, if not, check your local veterans, VFW,or American Legion
Halls and ask really nice, you may find out more.


Answer

Complex answer that I will only scratch surface of:

After WWII, President Truman (and the other western allies) viewed Communism
(in the form of the Soviet Union) as the greatest post-war threat. The
turning point for Asia came in Dec. 1949 when Chinese communist forces won
the civil war in China. Now the U.S. feared all of Southeast Asia (Vietnam,
Laos, Cambodia, Thailand) might fall to communism.

France had attempted to regain control of its Southeast Asian colonies
(including Vietnam) after WWII in 1945. They were fighting Ho Chi Minh and
his communist rebels. Starting in 1950, the U.S. started to send military
aid to France to help in its effort against the Viet Minh (the communist
rebels). This was part of the U.S. goal of "containment" of the spread of
communism.

When France pulled-out of Vietnam in 1955-56, the U.S. basically felt it had
to fill the void in order to prevent Ho Chi Minh from unifying Vietnam under
communist rule (the 1956 peace accords with France had divided Vietnam in
half). So starting in 1955, the U.S. starting sending military advisors to
assist the South Vietnamese Army. The conflict continued to escalate as
communist rebels in the South gained more control of the countryside, which
required more & more U.S. military advisors & equipment to prop-up the South
Vietnamese army. Finally, in 1965, we sent combat troops to prop-up South
Vietnam.


Answer

your point of views are too close-minded. you thinking on a "we american"
views and it may not be all right. im vietnamese myself and im researching
on vietnam war and i think you should make your point of views on a more
open-minded ways. open for more research. not trying to offened you or
anything. just a thought. thanks


Answer

The US was part of "SEATO" south east asia treaty org. KEY WORD "treaty"


Answer

That is actually a very complicated question. But some of the salient facts
are as follows:

We strongly supported France's efforts to regain control of Vietnam (it's
former colony) after WWII. France had it's own "war" with communist rebels
from 1945-1954, until withdrawing. The SEATO treaty created a North and
South Vietnam. During the late 1950's, America started to send military
"advisors" to help the South Vietnamese gov't fight communist rebels in
South Vietnam (called Vietcong). During the early to nid 1960's, America
started to greatly increase the number of troops and equipment to support
the South Vietnamese gov't. AT the time, America was very concerned about
the spread of communism throughout Asia.


Answer

Vietnam had been a French colony (French Indo-China) before the World Wars,
and the French weren't about to let go gracefully.

As noted by the poster above, the French lost control about the time the US
was fighting Communism in Korea, in the 1950's. The country was partitioned
into Communist North and DEmocratic South, with China was actively
supporting the Communist government of the North.

The US saw Vietnam as Korea all over again, and feared that the entire
Southeast of Asia would be lost to the Communist block, much as Eastern
Europe had.

However, as Korea hadn't been a screaming sucess for the US, there was a
great deal of reluctance to start up a new military action immediately after
the armstice of the Korean War. Eisenhower's plan was to train and equip the
South with military advisors, but over time (and subsequent
administrations), predictably, this led to active involvement with lots and
lots of US troops.

But surprisingly, no actual declaration of war. It was a "police action".


Answer


Vietnam was a French colony until after WW2. That¹s when Vietnam signed a
treaty called the S.E.A.T.O treaty, which separated a north from the South.
The north being the communist and the south being the democratic. The U.S.
went in to try to stop the Communism from spreading to other countries.
That¹s when the U.S. sent weapons to the south to help protect them from
rebels. That¹s when the two sides started to clash.


Answer

Vietnam was a French colony before World War II. After the war, Ho Chi Minh
asked if the war was fought for freedom, did it include Vietnam. The answer
was no. France and the USA had won the war and France was not interested in
giving up colonies. He then went to red China for aid and got it. The war
was on.


Answer

That is actually a very complicated topic. But some of the salient facts are
as follows:

Following WWII, President Truman and other western allies perceived
Communism (in the form of the Soviet Union) as the largest post-war threat.
In asia, the turning point came in December 1949, when Chinese communist
forces won the civil war in China. At this point, the U.S. feared that all
of Southeast ASia (Vietnam, Laos, Cambodia, Thailand) might fall to
communism (i.e., the "domino theory.") Thus, the U.S. created a policy of
"containment".

The French had been fighting communist rebels in Vietnam (their former
colony) since 1945. Starting in 1950, the U.S. started to send military aid
and equipment to the French as part of our "containment" policy. After the
French withdrew from Vietnam in 1955-56, the U.S. essentially felt it had to
step-in and fill the void in order to support the fledgling South Vietnamese
army (the 1956 peace accords had divided Vietnam into North (communist) and
South (anti-communist).

Thus, starting in 1955, the U.S. started to send military "advisors" to help
the South Vietnamese army fight communist rebels in South Vietnam. Starting
in 1961, the U.S. started to greatly increase the number of advisors and
equipment to support the South Vietnamese gov't. This was viewed as
necessary b/c of the continuing growing strength of communist rebels in
South Vietnam.


Answer

It is a complicated answer. The real beginnings started a lot early in the
'20's when a young Vietnamese nationalist, who would eventually be known as
Ho Chi Minh, was in the U.S. studying. He wrote letters to the U.S.
presidents asking for their help in ridding his country of French
colonialism. They were ignored. During WWII, this same person was contacted
by the U.S. military, and told that in return for Vietnamese help in
fighting the Japanese, after the war was over, the U.S. would help Vietnam
achieve independence from the French. This promise was broken, and various
factions of Vietnamese under the eventual command of Minh, united to fight
the occupying military of France. Much of the cost of the French presence in
Vietnam was borne by the U.S. from the very beginning under the guise of
fighting communistic expansion. After the peace accords were signed in
1954-55, one of the stipulations was that Vietnam was to be divided into two
countries with elections to be held withing two years in each section
regarding total unification into one country. It was the South Vietnam
portion, under the control of their U.S. backed gov't that refused to hold
these elections. Thus basically the war was born again. It was not so much a
war of communistic aggresion, as it was a civil war to reunite the country
as a whole. The main reasons it was perceived as a communist threat, were
some of the ideology's of the north, and the fact that they North turned to
communist countries for the supplies and support they would need in their
fight, since the U.S. would not provide them with any aid, and the U.S.
clearly sided with the consistently corrupt regimes of the southern divide.


Answer

Vietnam was a French colony until after WW2. That¹s when Vietnam called
peace named the S.E.A.T.O treaty, which separated the north from the South.
The north being the communist and the south being the democratic. The U.S.
went in to try to stop the Communism from crossing to other countries.
That¹s when the U.S provided weapons to the south to help avoid them from
rebels. That¹s when the two sides started war.




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P.S.S. If you read the whole thing, you deserve a medal, a purple heart if you will, allah John Skerry! Here's doubting anyone gets this far.

"I Still Wonder What The Fork I Was Thinking?"

We all know sometimes life hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet your lifetimes that and twice it's double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed

The drawing...

The first capsule was drawn by Congressman
Alexander Pirnie (R-NY) of the House
Armed Services Committee

December 1, 1969 marked the date of the first draft lottery held since 1942. This drawing determined the order of induction for men born between January 1, 1944 and December 31, 1950. A large glass container held 366 blue plastic balls containing every possible birth date and affecting men between 18 and 26 years old.The drawing...

The first capsule was drawn by Congressman
Alexander Pirnie (R-NY) of the House
Armed Services Committee

The break room at Pain Hall was abuzz with anticipation. Me and some other friends were huddled together along with just about everyone of our dorm brothers to watch "Lottery Night With Today's U.S. Army" on the television set, normally reserved for sporting events or Johnny Carson. I'm going out on a limb here, but I'm supposing the Neilson ratings on college campuses everywhere must have been in the stratosphere. The rest of the younger generation that didn't want to attend college for whatever reasons was tuned in, too, because their fates hung in the balance, as well.

We all wanted a high lottery number. Anything under "200" was deemed by the experts as a one way ticket to SE Asia. So me and the rest of the male population in the U.S.A. had a stake in the proceedings and were glued to our seats. I was praying to my "God" that he/she would smile down on me and reward me with a number over "200."

"Please, dear lord, I know I asked you to let the Braves beat the Mets in the NL playoffs [ '69 ]; And I asked you to let me pass French II at Rowdy High my senior year, when I got so far behind due to catching "The Hong Kong Flu;' And that I suggested you find a way to get me laid for my 16th birthday, so I could get it out of the way and proceed with fine-tuning my sexual prowess; And I once bothered you-I know you were real busy-to fix my wrecked car before my mom saw it, when an old fart cut in front of me at an intersection, and I plowed into him like a knife through butter.

But I realize now that all the above was my thinking only of myself. Plus, you didn't deliver on any of them except for French II, which I narrowly escaped with a "D," for "done good....barely."

So, lord, I know you're receiving mucho prayers right now from all the young dudes across the country, the home of the free and the land of the brave, but if you would just grant me one request, I would really really appreciate it. All I want this time-if it's ok, let's leave getting laid on the table [ pun unintended ]-is a lottery number over 300. I swear to you that I will change my lifestyle, go to church every Sunday, [ or more if you require it ] and I promise to never set foot in a soft-porn theatre ever again. [ you know the one I am talking about, oh omniscient one ]

If, however, this is not enough, I will even forego the losing of my virginity until a later date. So in closing, thank you, lord, for listening. And please do better than you did with my last requests. P.S. By getting a "D" in French, I failed to graduate with honors, but at this present time, all hostilities toward you have been rescinded.

War, huh yeah
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
War huh yeah
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing.
Say it again y'all
War, huh good god
What is it good for?
Absolutely nothing. Listen to me

Believe me. I did not want to go to Viet Nam. And no one sitting in the tv room at Pain Hall was particularly thrilled with the idea either. We were firmly ensconsed in one of the popular theories circulating throughout the U.S. at the time-and one I espoused: "Make love, not war!" Because we were all young dudes, unaware of being at our sexual peaks, we were more concerned about getting laid than looking for "Charlie" in the jungles of Southeast Asia.

JFK had gotten us into this mess while the French packed up and left. We were there to stop the flow of communism. Or that seemed to be the logic. Domino effect, shmomino effect. I was only 17 and still wet behind the ears and had just reached puberty a few years prior. I was so into these new sensations my body was experiencing that sometimes when friends called to party, I had to decline the invitation by explaining "something big has come up. Sorry!"

I also a bad case of acne as a teenager from injesting tons of grease billowing from the fryers at "The Happy Place" where I had toiled for two years while at "Rowdy High." And by eating cholesterol-filled cheeseburgers, french fries, cokes, and milk shakes. I didn't need to go to Parris Island; I needed to see a dermatologist and quick. [ editor note: don't let your kids work at fast food emporiums-it would be safer and wiser if you let them join the Army ]

I must defer comments made by the editor until a later time, as it's time to return to the lottery. But he is "right on."

As we, the general male population oohed and awed with every selection, my lottery number was soon to be revealed.... In a later chapter, of course!

So make sure when you say you're in it, but not of it
You're not helpin' to make this earth
A place sometimes called hell
Change your words into truths
And then change that truth into love
And maybe our children's grandchildren
And their great grandchildren will tell
I'll be loving you until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky

"E=MC2"

 

You're travelling in a dimension of sight and sound. April 6th, 2006 to be exact. As v.c., the proprietor and creator of Golden Pond is busily typing the next chapter to "What The Fork Was I Thinking?"

Inspired by his magic typewriter, the boy has been churning out the pages. A cartharsis, if you will, for as we all are aware, he has been suffering with a condition known as a mid-life crisis.

Unfortunately for our writer, there's a signpost up ahead. Next stop: The Twilight Zone!