"Double Nickels"

My mom has encouraged me for years to try stand-up. You heard right. Stand-up, as in comedy. When my sister told me the same thing the other day, I sat-up and took note. High praise coming from my liberal sister.

I've always considered the prospects. Me, v.c., comedian. Has a nice ring to it. So, I've got to start practicing my shtick. Bear with me. This is my first try at a routine. Oh, yeah. Amateur night, here I come. And what have I got to lose? My dear ol' sis also told me that few comedians today are funny, and I tend to second that emotion. Here's v.c.:

Hello. My name is v.c. ( smattering of applause ) but they also call me double nickels or the 55 year old comic. ( drum roll )

You're probably wondering why I'm trying stand-up at this age?

Before I answer, I've just gotta say: I can't drive 55! ( cymbal crash )

The reason for my new career. Number one, no one will hire you when you're 55. Unless you want a job at the Piggly Wiggly. Bagging groceries.

Number 2, I've always wanted to try stand-up, and my sister and mother say I can do it and perhaps become a big star.

My mama is so fat....sorry wrong crowd.

I forgot my arrow that goes through my head allah Steve Martin. Sorry, I can't play the banjo or do balloon tricks.

That was an imitation of Bogie. You know? Humphrey Bogart? Dames, broads, private dick, here's looking at you, kid. That guy. Oh, no one here knows Bogie? Before your time, eh? That's why they call me the 55 year old comic. ( cymbal crash )

I just saw my first "American Idol." What's all the fuss about. 'Tho that Fantasia can sing. That was my William Hung imitation. ( drum roll and cymbal crash )

I used to work in the food business. What a life. Can anyone in the audience define passive-aggressive. I once had a Ugandan dishwasher who called to report his absence:

"Manager. Manager. I will be unable to fulfill my dishwashing obligations today due to gastric inflammation in lower alimentary canal." Whereas, once a female worker called in to report her p**** hurt and would be unable to fulfill her obligations. What kind of images does that conjure up? ( cymbal crash )

At least those two had the decency to call, even 'tho the Ugandan never reported for work after his phone-in. Perhaps he was eaten by his country's dictator.

Ever been on a diet? ( my attempt at crowd involvement ) Try being on a diet in a restaurant. Everywhere you look there's food. Do I have a weight problem? My girth is due to an overactive thyroid condition. ( cymbal crash )

Ya gotta love my sister. She is so liberal that she thinks whales and dolphins are human, too.

It needs some work, I know. The 55 ( double nickels ) year old comedian.

Life in the slow lane, v.c.

P.S. She bangs.