You May Be A Mexican If....

I just wrote a response to my old compadre, the elusive/enigmatic pictruandtru, on the PIC Yahoo message board. We once bonded there along with hootsbuddie and ibbq4you2, clifhenry, and hootsbudie, an alter ego of hootsbuddie back in the day of bankruptcy, pre bankruptcy, and post bankruptcy.

I have known hootsbuddie for close to 30 years. But at the time I began writing my forays into the infantile I had no clue as to his identity. I found out a few months later. And was somewhat surprised to learn who he was. And vice-versa for him as well. Ibbq4you2 once asked me, circa 2001, to reveal my i.d., and because I felt a trusting bond decided to comply with his request. We have become amigos since that fateful disclosure and have became a tag team at times collaborating on mucho forays.

The old adage "practice makes purrfect" applies in my case as I wrote countless posts and graduated onto "The Pond." A debt of gratitude to hootsbuddie who began blogging back in August 04. And monkey see, monkey do, "The Pond" began in September 04.

As chronicled in previous excursions hoots is a certified liberal/socialist. So what if he's a bit misguided as is my sister, Ali, but we love 'em just the same. Shirley, [ Shirley, Shirley bo birley, banana fo fana, fo Shirley, Shirley ] Shirley from Hawaii, a new reader to the "Pond," is a charter member as well, but 80 million South Americans could give a rat's ass. As well as myself.

Anyway, I have always attempted to engage pictruandtru's identity with nothing to show for it. My elusive quest has been thwarted at every turn. But he recently appeared on the PIC Yahoo again after a long absence and wrote a funny and amusing tale called: "You may be a Mexican if:" allah Jeff Foxworthy's "You May be a Redneck if." Of course, I was obliged ro respond, which was always my strong suit, imho. Following someone's ideas and altering or continuing the theme with a v.c. spin.

Here is pictru's article reprinted here without his permission and my retort as a reply. Submitted for your approval and perusal:

If you're featuring the traditional Wednesday menu of the Mexican Plate (Beef & Cheese Enchiladas, Mexican Fried Rice, Mexican-Style Pinto Beans, Texas Ranch Chili, Tostadas , and Picante Sauce), you may use this in merchandising the special for a regional flavor.

YOU KNOW YOUR A MEXICAN IF...

*You have ever been hit by a chancla.
*You can play any sport wearing your chanclas.
*You grew up scared by something called "El Cucuy."
*Others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking,
*You use your lips to point something out.
*You constantly refer to cereal as "con fleis".
*Your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you to dinner even if it's a one bedroom apartment.
*You can dance ranchera, cumbia or salsa without music
*You call your sneakers "tenees".
*You have at least thirty cousins and 15 aunts.
*You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food.
*Tamales, champurrado, posole and menudo are must haves on Thanksgiving.
*There is more Tequila than punch at little Juanito's birthday party.
*There is at least one member in your family named Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus.
*You swear "Choco Mil" is the same as Slim Fast and try to lose weight! by drinking it.
*You have a drunk uncle/aunt.
*You not only know who Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante is, but you tell people he's your tio!
*You have ever had to tell your kid /or been told not to walk the floor barefoot or they'll/you'll catch a cold.
*You go to a wedding or Quinceañera, gossip about how bad the comida is, but be the first to take a plato to go.
*Your cousins are delinquents / hootchies.
*You have a chola in your barrio named "La Flaca" who's bigger than a house.
*You know a chola named "La Shy Girl" who is loud and obnoxious.
*You need to point out how much something you just bought cost.
*You have a bottle of Bacardi or Tequila in your house right now.
*You have a bottle of Tapatio in your purse.
*You know someone that has at least 3 middle names and 5 last names.
*You are in a 5-passenger car with 8 people in it and a person shouting "subanse, todavia caben mas!"
*You're laughing because some of these things r true ! and have actually happened to YOU!

p.s. apologee to Truck U International Students Assoc.

pictruandtru

And v.c.'s [ yours truly ] reply:

Back in the day of grease boards and daily specials H.W. would feature on Wednesdays, the "Mexican Special. Most of the time the enchiladas, cheese and beef, would sit patiently in its niche, awaiting a sale. And awaiting they did. Cos we didn't sell many. Plus, they would normally appear from the kitchen stuck together. It was easier to play a game of tiddlywinks than to pry an enchilada from the pile. Tostados? Jay Leno would be proud. Our picante was the mysterious pico de gallo, which is mexican for "red rooster."

Today the Pic contingent might want to put melted cheese on its tostados perhaps causing the merchandaise to fly off the "line."

I digress. My main focus for writing: Another "Who is Pictruandtru?"
a) Lt. Ray Calletano

b) Che Guevara

c) General Antonio López de Santa Claus, er, Anna

d) Pepino- Mexican farmhand on the "Real McCoys"

e) Karl Rove

f) Bernie Ebbers

g) Is introducing a new pico de gallo to "Pace." Patent pending. Copyright infringements and contracts still in discussion with the think-tank of lawyers. To be marketed as "Red Rooster" Picante Sauce.

h) Freddie Prinze's brother, Rafael Prinze.

i) Pedro Foxworthy

j) A frequent guest at LUB, who notices line speed, smiling faces, the absense of a tea cart ( lady ), and the aromas of chicken fried steak and burritos served on LuAnn plates.

k) Hootsbuddie in disguise. Have you ever noticed hoots and pictru are the only members of our fraternal order who just happen to post with the LUB bored. Coincidence? I think not!

l) Hal Wallis the producer of most of the King's movies. [ not Slim Whitman of yodeling fame ] "Fun in Acapulco" is one. [ see hurling on the boats as the cascading waves provoke mucho seasickness, circa 1991 was it? ]

m) Owner of Chihuahua's Inc. and has sold many to the Bennett clan.

n) Former district manager for Taco Bell.

o) Teleplay writer who came up with the line "Eez not my job!" for the old sitcom, "Chico and Da Man."

p) Invented Chop Beef Sombrero for PIC when it needed a new dish to compete with the avalanche of Mexican restaurants that were popping up like Eggos. [ "let go of my eggo" may have been his handiwork as well ]

q) Assistant director to John Wayne on the set of the "Alamo." May have coined the word "pilgrim" for the duke. An urban legend that has heen bandied about. No confirmation as of this writing.

r) A descendant of Ponce de Leon, Christopher Columbus, Magellan, and Vasco de Gama.

s) A U.S. Customs Team Member who patrols the Mexican/U.S. borders. Known to the illegal aliens ( apologies in advance for using the offensive term, here ) as "Slip me Fitty Pictru" and you may proceed unabated.

t) Loves his coronas with lime and eats the worm in the tequila bottle. Can you say Jose Cuervo?

u) As a manager at PIC, he would sing "La Cucaracha" to Eco-Lab when reporting pest sightings at his unit. Addendum: They didn't think it was funny. Source: Karl Rove! Or was it "Deep Throat?" Apologies to Linda Lovelace.

v) Was instrumental in procuring chili pods ( see "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" ) for the texas chili. Even wrote a detailed instruction booklet on how to soak the suckers. Sans seeds.

w) Robert Listen's right hand man back in the day who authorized the use of frozen carrot chips for the popular carrot souffle.

x) Malcolm X disciple

y) Y because we like you. Apologies to the Mickey Mouse club.

z) Z for xenophobia. Look that one up in your Funk and Waggnolls.

aa) A fellow drunk and alum who graduated from that higher institute of learning known as Truck U.

bb) Bats and farewell and adieu, v.c.