While travelling through Tennessee, it is apparent to yours truly that the mountain men like their country music and have a deep belief in the scriptures. The AM band had nothing but.
I've been trying to expand my horizons here lately and even listened to the fiddles and the steel guitars. There were some good uns' and one was from Toby Keith, which kinda explains my current situation.
Because I've got to rise and shine at 4 a.m. I won't comment any further, but here's the song's lyrics.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
She said, "I've seen you in here before"
I said, "I've been here a time or two"
She said, "Hello, my name is Bobby Jo
Meet my twin sister Betty Lou
And we're both feeling kinda wild tonight
And you're the only cowboy in this place
And if you're up for a rodeo
I'll put a big Texas smile on your face"
I said, "Girls
I ain't as good as I once was
I got a few years on me now
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really lay it down
And if you need some love tonight
Then I might have just enough
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was"
I still hang out with my best friend Dave
I've known him since we were kids at school
Last night he had a few shots, got in a tight spot
Hustlin' a game of pool with a couple of redneck boys
One great big bad biker man
I heard David yell across the room
"Hey buddy, how 'bout a helping hand"
I said, "Dave
I ain't as good as I once was
My how the years have flown
But there was a time, back in my prime
When I could really hold my own
But if you wanna fight tonight
Guess those boys don't look all that tough
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was"
I used to be hell on wheels
Back when I was a younger man
Now my body says, "You can't do this boy"
But my pride says, "Oh yes you can"
I ain't as good as I once was
That's just the cold hard truth
I still throw a few back, talk a little smack
When I'm feelin' bulletproof
So don't double dog dare me now
'Cause I'd have to call your bluff
I ain't as good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was
May not be good as I once was
But I'm as good once as I ever was...
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Monday, March 26, 2007
"Dear Diary"
After graduating from class, I had a wild ride, a magical mystery tour, if you will. This weekend to be exactomondo. Details to follow.
For now just checking back in to "G.P." I begin work tomorrow in my "training store." What's in store for the catfish? Only time will tell. I haven't checked e mails for 3 or 4 days. Back to the grind.
Step up get your pearl cos it's a wonderful, wonderful wonderful wonderful world, v.c.
P.S. Tonite's salutation is courtesy of the King.
P.S.S. A nod could have gone out to Lawrence Welk as well. And whatever happened to "champagne music" and "The Lennon Sisters?"
For now just checking back in to "G.P." I begin work tomorrow in my "training store." What's in store for the catfish? Only time will tell. I haven't checked e mails for 3 or 4 days. Back to the grind.
Step up get your pearl cos it's a wonderful, wonderful wonderful wonderful world, v.c.
P.S. Tonite's salutation is courtesy of the King.
P.S.S. A nod could have gone out to Lawrence Welk as well. And whatever happened to "champagne music" and "The Lennon Sisters?"
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
"Dear Diary"
One day I will look back on these two weeks of training and remember it with fondness. I have met a diverse cornucopia of folks.
There's my roommate who hails from Boise, Idaho. He is 25 with reddish hair which he poofs up on the top of his head. Sort of like a mohawk but curly and not straight. He played for Boise State as a running back graduating in 2000. He just bought the tape of his alma mater's overtime victory over Oklahoma in last year's bowl game, which probably qualifies it as one of the best in bowl history. He last worked at Perkins, a casual dining restaurant.
There's Trent who hails around 40ish and who parts his short hair down the middle. He made an ignominous first impression when he fell on the ground the first day of training. He stepped between the cement and grass and fell on his duff. He jumped up immediately-well, pretty fast for a 40ish kinda guy-and dusted himself off, while everyone was asking, "Are you all right?" He hails from Hardee's where he served as a district manager.
Then there's Lara who thinks she's the cat's meow. She's bleached blonde, probably in her mid 30's, who corrects everyone with a vengeance when they call her Laura. I forget from whence she hails.
Then there's Rich who is a quiet, little timid guy who smokes his cigarettes on every break and doesn't say a whole bunch unless engaged from one of his classmates. He orders his steak medium.
There's Drew, who has a radio voice and has even worked in the medium. I must admit, however, that I'm tired of listening to it, because he is one of those folks who loves the spotlight. And rambles on and on and on.
Jauron is a friend of my roommate. And he's from Boise, as well. He and Glenn ( my roomie ) were surprised to see each other here, because both worked at Perkins, and neither knew the other was quitting the team. They didn't really know each other that well until they got here. Jauron is a Mormon and has three kids and is attempting to have another. He doesn't drink and spent 8 years in the military. He is cocky and very sure of himself. He likes his steak rare.
Preston is a good old boy from Alabama and loves the "Tide." He went to college there and had an internship with VH-1 in New York this past summer. He has a southern drawl but is animated and friendly. He last worked for Taco Bell and loves working for this new company, because "there's only so many ways you can 'fix' a taco." Seems he likes more of a latitude for his own personal dining preferences.
And then there's Ed. He's from Jersey and has the brogue. He reminds me of Jake LaMotta. He tries to be funny, but I don't get it. He's 48 and out to get women at every chance. He last worked for a "Bagel" company which let him go when it was sold to new owners.
That's just a few of my classmates. And "dear diary" I'm fixin' to go study. See you next time.
The long and winding road, v.c.
P.S. Ed had been in 47 states out of 50. Mississippi, Alaska, and I can't recall the other.
There's my roommate who hails from Boise, Idaho. He is 25 with reddish hair which he poofs up on the top of his head. Sort of like a mohawk but curly and not straight. He played for Boise State as a running back graduating in 2000. He just bought the tape of his alma mater's overtime victory over Oklahoma in last year's bowl game, which probably qualifies it as one of the best in bowl history. He last worked at Perkins, a casual dining restaurant.
There's Trent who hails around 40ish and who parts his short hair down the middle. He made an ignominous first impression when he fell on the ground the first day of training. He stepped between the cement and grass and fell on his duff. He jumped up immediately-well, pretty fast for a 40ish kinda guy-and dusted himself off, while everyone was asking, "Are you all right?" He hails from Hardee's where he served as a district manager.
Then there's Lara who thinks she's the cat's meow. She's bleached blonde, probably in her mid 30's, who corrects everyone with a vengeance when they call her Laura. I forget from whence she hails.
Then there's Rich who is a quiet, little timid guy who smokes his cigarettes on every break and doesn't say a whole bunch unless engaged from one of his classmates. He orders his steak medium.
There's Drew, who has a radio voice and has even worked in the medium. I must admit, however, that I'm tired of listening to it, because he is one of those folks who loves the spotlight. And rambles on and on and on.
Jauron is a friend of my roommate. And he's from Boise, as well. He and Glenn ( my roomie ) were surprised to see each other here, because both worked at Perkins, and neither knew the other was quitting the team. They didn't really know each other that well until they got here. Jauron is a Mormon and has three kids and is attempting to have another. He doesn't drink and spent 8 years in the military. He is cocky and very sure of himself. He likes his steak rare.
Preston is a good old boy from Alabama and loves the "Tide." He went to college there and had an internship with VH-1 in New York this past summer. He has a southern drawl but is animated and friendly. He last worked for Taco Bell and loves working for this new company, because "there's only so many ways you can 'fix' a taco." Seems he likes more of a latitude for his own personal dining preferences.
And then there's Ed. He's from Jersey and has the brogue. He reminds me of Jake LaMotta. He tries to be funny, but I don't get it. He's 48 and out to get women at every chance. He last worked for a "Bagel" company which let him go when it was sold to new owners.
That's just a few of my classmates. And "dear diary" I'm fixin' to go study. See you next time.
The long and winding road, v.c.
P.S. Ed had been in 47 states out of 50. Mississippi, Alaska, and I can't recall the other.
"Bringing Back the Draft"
In bloggerdom, you can create new posts or save them as drafts. Seems yours truly has a good bit of forays I began but never finished. Here is a sampling of a few of them:
I was asleep on the couch that fateful Monday when the phone rang. It was Briggs, my boss.
"How was that Super Bowl party?" he asked.
"I didn't have a party, Briggs. I watched the game with Kitty."
"I need you to meet me at the [ Bates ] motel tomorrow at 11 a.m. You know where it is?" was his next response.
"Yeah, I'll find it." I said not asking him what it was about. I think I knew. My heart dropped into my stomach.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Briggs said ending the conversation.
The next morning I dragged myself out of bed, smoked a few cigarettes and drank a coppola cups of coffee. Bathed, shaved, dressed and adorned my winter coat. It was the dead of winter. I cranked old Betsy; soon we were tooling down the road to meet our, er, destiny.
"Old Betsy," I said to my faithful companion. "This may be our last day at the rodeo."
"My faithful paymaster and owner," she began, "fork 'em if they can't take a joke. You worked hard and did your best."
"Thanks, Old Betsy." The conversation ended as we both became mired in our thoughts....
"All right, you rowdy grandkids. You want a bedtime story, well, shut the fork up, and I'll tell you a tale from back inna day."
"Yea, Granddad. Tell us a story, puhleeze! One about hoots, please, your friend who was once a semi-retired flower child of the 60's. Or the bbq man! Yea! Or one about Slippery. Yea. Or Uncle Demosthenes. What's it gonna be, granddad? Huh? Huh?"
"I'm not quite sure where this story's a'gonna go. Hoots, bbq, Slippery, Uncle Demosthenes....hadn't thought about those fellas in years."
"What happened to 'em, granddad?"
"If you little forkers will be quiet for a minute, I might just tell you....if you recall, hoots became an ambassador to Iran during those tenuous times involving the H bomb! President Rice appointed him to the post even tho' he was a died-in-the-wool liberal. But he had the kind of mojo that was needed to stem the tide of nuclear holocaust."
What's a liberal, granddad?"....
Squint, Scooper, and Grodie are sitting on the cook's table, not far from the bain marie. Scooper takes a long pull from a bottle of Squint's home brew. Squint is railing at them, all a little smacko.
Scooper to Squint: "I know this is a bit insensitive, matey, but what happened to your freakin' eye?"
Squint: "Huh? Oh, this! Chicken livers what happened. Was frying up a mess of 'em and one swelled and burst and hit me square in the pupil. Damn, nasty things.
Squint squints through a checkerboard of scar tissue.
Scooper: ( handing back the bottle)
Scooper: "You've got the monopoly, eh?" Here! Scooper pulls up his trouser leg boasting a crescent scar on his calf. Eight-foot moray eel -- right through the suit, buddy...."
Squint: "That ain't nothing." Pulls off his shirt, tie, and undershirt to reveal a long, hideous scar. "Team member cut me when I wouldn't give him a raise. Damn boney knife. Sharp, real sharp, yes it is!"
Scooper: Shows yet another. "German roach scraped me. I was down getting samples, and he -they're the most ferocious of the species. Can live 7 days with his head cut off. Seven days!"
Grodie: Not to be outdone and feeling somewhat out of the equation shows a small nick on his finger: "Cut myself sharpening the roast beef knife June 18, 2001. Took 3 stitches it did and cost me a mint in worker's comp premiums."
I was asleep on the couch that fateful Monday when the phone rang. It was Briggs, my boss.
"How was that Super Bowl party?" he asked.
"I didn't have a party, Briggs. I watched the game with Kitty."
"I need you to meet me at the [ Bates ] motel tomorrow at 11 a.m. You know where it is?" was his next response.
"Yeah, I'll find it." I said not asking him what it was about. I think I knew. My heart dropped into my stomach.
"I'll see you tomorrow," Briggs said ending the conversation.
The next morning I dragged myself out of bed, smoked a few cigarettes and drank a coppola cups of coffee. Bathed, shaved, dressed and adorned my winter coat. It was the dead of winter. I cranked old Betsy; soon we were tooling down the road to meet our, er, destiny.
"Old Betsy," I said to my faithful companion. "This may be our last day at the rodeo."
"My faithful paymaster and owner," she began, "fork 'em if they can't take a joke. You worked hard and did your best."
"Thanks, Old Betsy." The conversation ended as we both became mired in our thoughts....
"All right, you rowdy grandkids. You want a bedtime story, well, shut the fork up, and I'll tell you a tale from back inna day."
"Yea, Granddad. Tell us a story, puhleeze! One about hoots, please, your friend who was once a semi-retired flower child of the 60's. Or the bbq man! Yea! Or one about Slippery. Yea. Or Uncle Demosthenes. What's it gonna be, granddad? Huh? Huh?"
"I'm not quite sure where this story's a'gonna go. Hoots, bbq, Slippery, Uncle Demosthenes....hadn't thought about those fellas in years."
"What happened to 'em, granddad?"
"If you little forkers will be quiet for a minute, I might just tell you....if you recall, hoots became an ambassador to Iran during those tenuous times involving the H bomb! President Rice appointed him to the post even tho' he was a died-in-the-wool liberal. But he had the kind of mojo that was needed to stem the tide of nuclear holocaust."
What's a liberal, granddad?"....
Squint, Scooper, and Grodie are sitting on the cook's table, not far from the bain marie. Scooper takes a long pull from a bottle of Squint's home brew. Squint is railing at them, all a little smacko.
Scooper to Squint: "I know this is a bit insensitive, matey, but what happened to your freakin' eye?"
Squint: "Huh? Oh, this! Chicken livers what happened. Was frying up a mess of 'em and one swelled and burst and hit me square in the pupil. Damn, nasty things.
Squint squints through a checkerboard of scar tissue.
Scooper: ( handing back the bottle)
Scooper: "You've got the monopoly, eh?" Here! Scooper pulls up his trouser leg boasting a crescent scar on his calf. Eight-foot moray eel -- right through the suit, buddy...."
Squint: "That ain't nothing." Pulls off his shirt, tie, and undershirt to reveal a long, hideous scar. "Team member cut me when I wouldn't give him a raise. Damn boney knife. Sharp, real sharp, yes it is!"
Scooper: Shows yet another. "German roach scraped me. I was down getting samples, and he -they're the most ferocious of the species. Can live 7 days with his head cut off. Seven days!"
Grodie: Not to be outdone and feeling somewhat out of the equation shows a small nick on his finger: "Cut myself sharpening the roast beef knife June 18, 2001. Took 3 stitches it did and cost me a mint in worker's comp premiums."
Sunday, March 18, 2007
"No Nonsense"
Thanks for the comments, hootster. I still can't log into "G.P." Seems my blog is a mature/adult site, or it contains pornography or drugs. So the only entrance is through the back door.
My new company takes a no-nonsense approach to everything. Their standards are high. But the store next to the motel needs some help in the kitchen. I've eaten there 7 times this week, and only once was the food hot. Tonite I told the asst. mgr. about it-cos my macaroni was cold and my pintos were lukewarm-and he came back to report that the food he checked was 160 degrees.
"Perhaps they are dipping the food from the top of the pans," was my summation.
He said the staff was trained "to stir and dig."
But,imho, they ain't doing it.
Reminds me of the time me and Kitty went to Shoneys to eat. Her mashed potatoes were cold, so I asked the server if we could get some more.
She never returned but the asst. mgr. walked by, so I told him the same story. He never came back to the table, either. When I saw him at the cash register I told him he never fixed the faux pas. In a triumphant voice he declared:
"I checked the mashed potatoes with a thermometer and they read 160 degrees, which is what Shoneys and the Health Department require."
I countered with: "Did you stir them up before you checked them? And I don't really care what they were in the kitchen; I wanted some hot mashed potatoes."
He told me to wait a minute and would be right back. A free meal card or free dessert or something was perhaps in the offing. We had paid already and I was a bit perturbed, so we left without receiving any thing complimentary. But it's service like this that brings a death knell to companies. And yet the companies preach it all the time, but most of us don't seem to be listening.
No nensense, v.c.
P.S. The Shoneys mgr. also told me and Kitty that her mashed potatoes were cold because she probably got them off the all-you-can-eat bar that was in the dining room. I told him NO; they had come from the kitchen. And should it matter where they originated?
As Jerry Springer says: "Where do we find these people?"
My new company takes a no-nonsense approach to everything. Their standards are high. But the store next to the motel needs some help in the kitchen. I've eaten there 7 times this week, and only once was the food hot. Tonite I told the asst. mgr. about it-cos my macaroni was cold and my pintos were lukewarm-and he came back to report that the food he checked was 160 degrees.
"Perhaps they are dipping the food from the top of the pans," was my summation.
He said the staff was trained "to stir and dig."
But,imho, they ain't doing it.
Reminds me of the time me and Kitty went to Shoneys to eat. Her mashed potatoes were cold, so I asked the server if we could get some more.
She never returned but the asst. mgr. walked by, so I told him the same story. He never came back to the table, either. When I saw him at the cash register I told him he never fixed the faux pas. In a triumphant voice he declared:
"I checked the mashed potatoes with a thermometer and they read 160 degrees, which is what Shoneys and the Health Department require."
I countered with: "Did you stir them up before you checked them? And I don't really care what they were in the kitchen; I wanted some hot mashed potatoes."
He told me to wait a minute and would be right back. A free meal card or free dessert or something was perhaps in the offing. We had paid already and I was a bit perturbed, so we left without receiving any thing complimentary. But it's service like this that brings a death knell to companies. And yet the companies preach it all the time, but most of us don't seem to be listening.
No nensense, v.c.
P.S. The Shoneys mgr. also told me and Kitty that her mashed potatoes were cold because she probably got them off the all-you-can-eat bar that was in the dining room. I told him NO; they had come from the kitchen. And should it matter where they originated?
As Jerry Springer says: "Where do we find these people?"
"Hello Denizens of the Internet"
Hello everyone. I have had to take a circuitous route to write "G.P." on the motel's free computer. I can't take a direct link, because my site contains adult material ( ?????? ) and won't let me entree, s'il vous plait.
I have tried to access the "sportsnetwork.com" to find out a few basketball scores, and "Big Brother" wouldn't let me view there either. Seems it may be a gambling site.
I also tried to send Shirley an e mail to let her know I had finally landed a job, but the mail is so slow on "B.B." that the action was cancelled. My correspondence with Steverino, a graduate of Rowdy High, happened to go through.
Btw, Shirley is an alum of Rowdy High, as well, and matriculated with my sister, circa back in the day. She came over to our house when I was just a small-fry, and wouldn't recognize me from a man-in-the-moon if I walked by her today. SO a special aloha goes out to Shirley, who hails from the 50th state. ( Hint: poi and pineapples are big-time in this locale, and Elvis made a coppola movies here, too. Hint 2: "Blue _________"
We took the serv-safe test today and hopefully yours truly passed. As I get older it seems my skills ain't what they used to be, similar to the old grey mare. Of course, there were people in our class ( of 40ish ) who took the lead in class, becoming one of the, er, leaders. But their voices and incessant talking began to grate on my nerves after awhile. Perhaps, they want to make an impression and strive for a higher position.
There are people from all over the states. Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Texas, and Arizona to name a few. The company wanted to go into California, Washington, and Oregon but said it was too expensive. ( too many government and union pitfalls )
I miss being on my computer, but it's been a good break. The Pond is indebtted to its readers, per always, and here's hoping life is giving you shelter.
It's all good, v.c.
P.S. And to Slippery. Thanks for the e mails, dude. I may not be able to attend the Rowdy High bash at the end of the month.
I have tried to access the "sportsnetwork.com" to find out a few basketball scores, and "Big Brother" wouldn't let me view there either. Seems it may be a gambling site.
I also tried to send Shirley an e mail to let her know I had finally landed a job, but the mail is so slow on "B.B." that the action was cancelled. My correspondence with Steverino, a graduate of Rowdy High, happened to go through.
Btw, Shirley is an alum of Rowdy High, as well, and matriculated with my sister, circa back in the day. She came over to our house when I was just a small-fry, and wouldn't recognize me from a man-in-the-moon if I walked by her today. SO a special aloha goes out to Shirley, who hails from the 50th state. ( Hint: poi and pineapples are big-time in this locale, and Elvis made a coppola movies here, too. Hint 2: "Blue _________"
We took the serv-safe test today and hopefully yours truly passed. As I get older it seems my skills ain't what they used to be, similar to the old grey mare. Of course, there were people in our class ( of 40ish ) who took the lead in class, becoming one of the, er, leaders. But their voices and incessant talking began to grate on my nerves after awhile. Perhaps, they want to make an impression and strive for a higher position.
There are people from all over the states. Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Pennsylvania, West Virginia, Texas, and Arizona to name a few. The company wanted to go into California, Washington, and Oregon but said it was too expensive. ( too many government and union pitfalls )
I miss being on my computer, but it's been a good break. The Pond is indebtted to its readers, per always, and here's hoping life is giving you shelter.
It's all good, v.c.
P.S. And to Slippery. Thanks for the e mails, dude. I may not be able to attend the Rowdy High bash at the end of the month.
Friday, March 16, 2007
"New Job"
It's colder than a witches titty here in Tennessee. The wind is whipping around, and the teasing summer weather is just a distant memory.
The workload in classes has been intense. The instructors-and there have been many-don't beat around the bush. One today said our relationship with the company and vice-versa was like dating. They are checking us out, while we are checking them out. Will it be a fit? They hold all the trump cards. Only time will tell.
Homework has been a bitch as well. We're supposed to study 2-4 hours a nite. It doesn't leave much time for writing forays into the infantile, or anything else for that matter.
But tonite, me and my roomie from Idaho of all places ( not sure if I mentioned this in my last foray ) are heading to Applebee's. He's already drunk from white zinfindel, and yours truly is gonna drink a few brewskies.
Tomorrow morning we take the serv-safe test. Anyone in the food biz is familiar with this baby. Clostridium perfringens, e coli, where to store chicken, sanitized water buckets, wash your hands whilst singing "happy birthday to me," are familiar terms to those in the biz.
I remember most of my asst. mgrs. could never pass the f******, and that includes Hartsfield as well.
Just a recap cos it's beer drinking time.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
P.S. Parting is such sweet alliteration, er, sorrow.
The workload in classes has been intense. The instructors-and there have been many-don't beat around the bush. One today said our relationship with the company and vice-versa was like dating. They are checking us out, while we are checking them out. Will it be a fit? They hold all the trump cards. Only time will tell.
Homework has been a bitch as well. We're supposed to study 2-4 hours a nite. It doesn't leave much time for writing forays into the infantile, or anything else for that matter.
But tonite, me and my roomie from Idaho of all places ( not sure if I mentioned this in my last foray ) are heading to Applebee's. He's already drunk from white zinfindel, and yours truly is gonna drink a few brewskies.
Tomorrow morning we take the serv-safe test. Anyone in the food biz is familiar with this baby. Clostridium perfringens, e coli, where to store chicken, sanitized water buckets, wash your hands whilst singing "happy birthday to me," are familiar terms to those in the biz.
I remember most of my asst. mgrs. could never pass the f******, and that includes Hartsfield as well.
Just a recap cos it's beer drinking time.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
P.S. Parting is such sweet alliteration, er, sorrow.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
"Magical Mystery Tour"
The v.c. column has been temporarily derailed. I am now in Tennessee working for my new employer. I miss my computer, and I miss writing the forays into the infantile. To my loyal readers, I shall return. Apologies to Doug MacArthur.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
"Guns Bad"
When I was a kid, I was a big fan of the "Tarzan" movies. The old flicks from the 30's and 40's shown via the television on Saturday mornings. Johnny Weismuller was the best Tarzan. And Maureen O'Sullivan, who was the mother of Mia Farrow, was the best Jane. And Johnny Sheffield was "Boy," and Cheetah was the friendly and intelligent chimpanzee, who warned of danger with an impish shrill.
The flicks were great. Normally, the plot revolved around a safari that comes into Tarzan's domain. A few of the party are devious and up to no good. The African tribes surround and capture the bad guys, and Tarzan-sometimes relunctantly-has to save them.
I wrote a foray into the infantile a few years ago when I worked for Piccadilly Cafeteria. It was called "Guns Bad." Here it is, courtesy of copy and paste:
"I just found a bone in my trout almondine. I'd like to see the manager," came the reply from the guest seated in the Piccadilly Cafeteria dining room.
"I'm empowered to help you, miss. Can I get you another piece? Or something else, maybe?" said the courteous waitress.
"No, I want to see the manager!! And pronto."
The wait staff attendant sees the new manager-in-training and flags him down. She tells the m.i.t. about the situation. Hurriedly, he responds to her distress signal.
Before he can open his mouth, the guest lets fly with a venom laced attack.
"I can't believe I found a bone in my filet of fish. What kind of a place are you running here? What if I had swallowed the bone and it lodged in my throat. And I couldn't breathe. You'll definitely hear from my lawyer. And I want your regional manager's name and number. I wanted the manager, not a manager in training. What's your name?"
She glances at his nametag.
"Me, Tarzan. New M.I.T."
"Garcon. This isn't a french restaurant. Are you making fun of me. I want the home office number. I'll talk to the CEO if I have to. How did an insolent imbecile, like yourself, get a job here in the first place?" The guest rambles on and on. Other guests are watching.
Tarzan has heard enough.
"Ungawa. Ungawa, guest." He points to the exits. "Ungawa."
The general manager arrives and notices the commotion. He quickly intervenes. He guest meals the guests' check. Who is crying. 911 is called. The guest is on the verge of a breakdown. The g.m. methodically restores order and motions Tarzan into the office.
"Just part of the job, Tarzan. Take the rest of the day off and go home. See Jane and Boy. Relax. Cool off."
"Tarzan definitely cool off if he go home. Jane is going through difficult menopause. House like Arctic. Me see pictures of ice and snow in book. Me long for hot air of jungle. Why I work for Piccadilly. Work on steam table and around hot ovens. At home like igloo. Saw in same book."
"Whatever, Tarzan. But some friendly advice. Cool the 'ungawa.'"
"Me go home. To Boy and Cheetah. And Simba."
"What about Jane?"
"She seeing lawyer. Me not know what for."
Tarzan arrives home. Boy and Cheetah are wrapped in thermal blankets. "Me home early. Brrr."
"Boy," Tarzan continues. "Remember when I saved you from huge crocodile back in jungle. And me got scars to prove it. And me wrestled with him for hours. Remember?"
"Yes, Tarzan."
"That was nothing compared to M.I.T. at Piccadilly. Remember when I saved our home from all woman tribe? One not like men."
"Yes, Tarzan."
"Same thing."
"Let's go hunting, Tarzan. That'll cheer you up. I'll get my bow and arrow. When will you let me buy a gun like my friends have," says Boy.
"Guns bad. Men bad. Me feel bad. Go find elephant burial ground. Me need to be alone."
A high octave yodeling sound is heard throughout the subdivision. Tarzan has
unleashed his patented sound of anger.
"Another blanket, Cheetah?" says Boy. "Tarzan may be gone for a long time."
Ungawa.
P.S. "Tarzan's New York Adventure" was one of my favorites.
The flicks were great. Normally, the plot revolved around a safari that comes into Tarzan's domain. A few of the party are devious and up to no good. The African tribes surround and capture the bad guys, and Tarzan-sometimes relunctantly-has to save them.
I wrote a foray into the infantile a few years ago when I worked for Piccadilly Cafeteria. It was called "Guns Bad." Here it is, courtesy of copy and paste:
"I just found a bone in my trout almondine. I'd like to see the manager," came the reply from the guest seated in the Piccadilly Cafeteria dining room.
"I'm empowered to help you, miss. Can I get you another piece? Or something else, maybe?" said the courteous waitress.
"No, I want to see the manager!! And pronto."
The wait staff attendant sees the new manager-in-training and flags him down. She tells the m.i.t. about the situation. Hurriedly, he responds to her distress signal.
Before he can open his mouth, the guest lets fly with a venom laced attack.
"I can't believe I found a bone in my filet of fish. What kind of a place are you running here? What if I had swallowed the bone and it lodged in my throat. And I couldn't breathe. You'll definitely hear from my lawyer. And I want your regional manager's name and number. I wanted the manager, not a manager in training. What's your name?"
She glances at his nametag.
"Me, Tarzan. New M.I.T."
"Garcon. This isn't a french restaurant. Are you making fun of me. I want the home office number. I'll talk to the CEO if I have to. How did an insolent imbecile, like yourself, get a job here in the first place?" The guest rambles on and on. Other guests are watching.
Tarzan has heard enough.
"Ungawa. Ungawa, guest." He points to the exits. "Ungawa."
The general manager arrives and notices the commotion. He quickly intervenes. He guest meals the guests' check. Who is crying. 911 is called. The guest is on the verge of a breakdown. The g.m. methodically restores order and motions Tarzan into the office.
"Just part of the job, Tarzan. Take the rest of the day off and go home. See Jane and Boy. Relax. Cool off."
"Tarzan definitely cool off if he go home. Jane is going through difficult menopause. House like Arctic. Me see pictures of ice and snow in book. Me long for hot air of jungle. Why I work for Piccadilly. Work on steam table and around hot ovens. At home like igloo. Saw in same book."
"Whatever, Tarzan. But some friendly advice. Cool the 'ungawa.'"
"Me go home. To Boy and Cheetah. And Simba."
"What about Jane?"
"She seeing lawyer. Me not know what for."
Tarzan arrives home. Boy and Cheetah are wrapped in thermal blankets. "Me home early. Brrr."
"Boy," Tarzan continues. "Remember when I saved you from huge crocodile back in jungle. And me got scars to prove it. And me wrestled with him for hours. Remember?"
"Yes, Tarzan."
"That was nothing compared to M.I.T. at Piccadilly. Remember when I saved our home from all woman tribe? One not like men."
"Yes, Tarzan."
"Same thing."
"Let's go hunting, Tarzan. That'll cheer you up. I'll get my bow and arrow. When will you let me buy a gun like my friends have," says Boy.
"Guns bad. Men bad. Me feel bad. Go find elephant burial ground. Me need to be alone."
A high octave yodeling sound is heard throughout the subdivision. Tarzan has
unleashed his patented sound of anger.
"Another blanket, Cheetah?" says Boy. "Tarzan may be gone for a long time."
Ungawa.
P.S. "Tarzan's New York Adventure" was one of my favorites.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
"Double Nickels"
My mom has encouraged me for years to try stand-up. You heard right. Stand-up, as in comedy. When my sister told me the same thing the other day, I sat-up and took note. High praise coming from my liberal sister.
I've always considered the prospects. Me, v.c., comedian. Has a nice ring to it. So, I've got to start practicing my shtick. Bear with me. This is my first try at a routine. Oh, yeah. Amateur night, here I come. And what have I got to lose? My dear ol' sis also told me that few comedians today are funny, and I tend to second that emotion. Here's v.c.:
Hello. My name is v.c. ( smattering of applause ) but they also call me double nickels or the 55 year old comic. ( drum roll )
You're probably wondering why I'm trying stand-up at this age?
Before I answer, I've just gotta say: I can't drive 55! ( cymbal crash )
The reason for my new career. Number one, no one will hire you when you're 55. Unless you want a job at the Piggly Wiggly. Bagging groceries.
Number 2, I've always wanted to try stand-up, and my sister and mother say I can do it and perhaps become a big star.
My mama is so fat....sorry wrong crowd.
I forgot my arrow that goes through my head allah Steve Martin. Sorry, I can't play the banjo or do balloon tricks.
That was an imitation of Bogie. You know? Humphrey Bogart? Dames, broads, private dick, here's looking at you, kid. That guy. Oh, no one here knows Bogie? Before your time, eh? That's why they call me the 55 year old comic. ( cymbal crash )
I just saw my first "American Idol." What's all the fuss about. 'Tho that Fantasia can sing. That was my William Hung imitation. ( drum roll and cymbal crash )
I used to work in the food business. What a life. Can anyone in the audience define passive-aggressive. I once had a Ugandan dishwasher who called to report his absence:
"Manager. Manager. I will be unable to fulfill my dishwashing obligations today due to gastric inflammation in lower alimentary canal." Whereas, once a female worker called in to report her p**** hurt and would be unable to fulfill her obligations. What kind of images does that conjure up? ( cymbal crash )
At least those two had the decency to call, even 'tho the Ugandan never reported for work after his phone-in. Perhaps he was eaten by his country's dictator.
Ever been on a diet? ( my attempt at crowd involvement ) Try being on a diet in a restaurant. Everywhere you look there's food. Do I have a weight problem? My girth is due to an overactive thyroid condition. ( cymbal crash )
Ya gotta love my sister. She is so liberal that she thinks whales and dolphins are human, too.
It needs some work, I know. The 55 ( double nickels ) year old comedian.
Life in the slow lane, v.c.
P.S. She bangs.
I've always considered the prospects. Me, v.c., comedian. Has a nice ring to it. So, I've got to start practicing my shtick. Bear with me. This is my first try at a routine. Oh, yeah. Amateur night, here I come. And what have I got to lose? My dear ol' sis also told me that few comedians today are funny, and I tend to second that emotion. Here's v.c.:
Hello. My name is v.c. ( smattering of applause ) but they also call me double nickels or the 55 year old comic. ( drum roll )
You're probably wondering why I'm trying stand-up at this age?
Before I answer, I've just gotta say: I can't drive 55! ( cymbal crash )
The reason for my new career. Number one, no one will hire you when you're 55. Unless you want a job at the Piggly Wiggly. Bagging groceries.
Number 2, I've always wanted to try stand-up, and my sister and mother say I can do it and perhaps become a big star.
My mama is so fat....sorry wrong crowd.
I forgot my arrow that goes through my head allah Steve Martin. Sorry, I can't play the banjo or do balloon tricks.
That was an imitation of Bogie. You know? Humphrey Bogart? Dames, broads, private dick, here's looking at you, kid. That guy. Oh, no one here knows Bogie? Before your time, eh? That's why they call me the 55 year old comic. ( cymbal crash )
I just saw my first "American Idol." What's all the fuss about. 'Tho that Fantasia can sing. That was my William Hung imitation. ( drum roll and cymbal crash )
I used to work in the food business. What a life. Can anyone in the audience define passive-aggressive. I once had a Ugandan dishwasher who called to report his absence:
"Manager. Manager. I will be unable to fulfill my dishwashing obligations today due to gastric inflammation in lower alimentary canal." Whereas, once a female worker called in to report her p**** hurt and would be unable to fulfill her obligations. What kind of images does that conjure up? ( cymbal crash )
At least those two had the decency to call, even 'tho the Ugandan never reported for work after his phone-in. Perhaps he was eaten by his country's dictator.
Ever been on a diet? ( my attempt at crowd involvement ) Try being on a diet in a restaurant. Everywhere you look there's food. Do I have a weight problem? My girth is due to an overactive thyroid condition. ( cymbal crash )
Ya gotta love my sister. She is so liberal that she thinks whales and dolphins are human, too.
It needs some work, I know. The 55 ( double nickels ) year old comedian.
Life in the slow lane, v.c.
P.S. She bangs.
Monday, March 05, 2007
"It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World"
My TCM newsletter came today. And it included a trailer from yesteryear. One of the funniest movies....EVER. And with an ALL-STAR cast from yesteryear. Spencer Tracy. Milton Berle, Jonathan Winters, Sid Ceasar, Buddy Hackett, etc. And there were even surprise cameos with Jerry Lewis and Jack Benny. Among others.
Hilarious movie. And it stands the test of time. Submitted for your approval is the original trailer.
Danke shoen, v.c.
P.S. Every comic in Hollywood wanted to be in this movie. Not sure who was left out, but the flick was a masterpiece. Even the 3 stooges had a small part. As well as "Rochester" from the "Jack Benny Show."
Hilarious movie. And it stands the test of time. Submitted for your approval is the original trailer.
Danke shoen, v.c.
P.S. Every comic in Hollywood wanted to be in this movie. Not sure who was left out, but the flick was a masterpiece. Even the 3 stooges had a small part. As well as "Rochester" from the "Jack Benny Show."
Friday, March 02, 2007
"Starbucks, Shmarbucks"
Not sure how many people know that the Starbuck's name came from the venerable classic, "Moby Dick." I can still see Gregory Peck strapped to the white whale as it descends the ocean depths puttin' a hurtin' on the troubled Captain Ahab. Thar she blows, eh?
Hoots, from Hootsbuddy's place, left a comment regarding the coffee giant on last nite's foray. Starbucks is seen as this enlightened, progressive company offering health benefits to its workers, allah Hillary Clinton.
I worked at the Atlanta Airport, where was housed 8 Starbucks. When divvying-up potential candidates for the various stores, Starbucks was always allotted those applicants who were attractive and personable. The rest of the brands got the leftovers. Most of the S.B. team members were good at customer service, but there were some who were always complaining, lethargic, and had attitude.
Which is what you'll find in any organization. The S.B. team members at the airport made $8.00 an hour, while the rest of the "brands" made $7.00. If you were a server or bartender, you went home each night with a ton of money. One female bartender, an ex-stewardess, er, flight attendant from the now-defunct Eastern Airlines, used to clean-up. Literally and figuratively. I checked her out one nite and saw her pull out a wad totaling at least $400.00. No wonder she worked Mon-Thursday and drove to and fro from not quite the Alabama state line.
Servers regularly made a minimum of $200.00 a shift. The excellent ones far exceeded that measly total. It's a sad state of affairs when the manager makes less than the help. They come in, work their 8-10 hours and go home-not a worry in the world. While the aforementioned manager is multi-tasking while dealing with every passive-aggressive Tom, Dick, and Harry. Not to mention the p.a. guests and team members. And when he goes home to his abode, he takes his work with him.
All the bartenders and servers in the world are probably classified as "the working poor" by the U.S. government. Cos they don't claim all of their tips, reporting the minimum plus credit cards. The service industry prefers cash customers. Why? Duh! There's no records.
I have fantasized about procuring a server's job, but not sure how many double nickel male servers reside in today's workplace.
"How y'all doing? My name is v.c., and I'll be your server today. Our soup today is french onion, and today's special is fresh vietnam catfish caught off the banks of the Mekong Delta. Can I start you off with an appetizer or a potent potable?"
"It's admirable that the company hires senior citizens, v.c. But what are you gonna be when you grow up?"
Anyway, back to the jist of our tale. It amazes me that Starbucks made the top 25 in service. Maybe out on the west coast, the workers are happy and give great service. But I haven't seen it. So my original thesis stands: "Starbucks, Shmarbucks,"
which, coincidentally, is the title of today's foray.
Thar she blows, v.c.
P.S. Tonite's youtube foray!
P.S.S. Shades of the 60's-a drum solo.
Hoots, from Hootsbuddy's place, left a comment regarding the coffee giant on last nite's foray. Starbucks is seen as this enlightened, progressive company offering health benefits to its workers, allah Hillary Clinton.
I worked at the Atlanta Airport, where was housed 8 Starbucks. When divvying-up potential candidates for the various stores, Starbucks was always allotted those applicants who were attractive and personable. The rest of the brands got the leftovers. Most of the S.B. team members were good at customer service, but there were some who were always complaining, lethargic, and had attitude.
Which is what you'll find in any organization. The S.B. team members at the airport made $8.00 an hour, while the rest of the "brands" made $7.00. If you were a server or bartender, you went home each night with a ton of money. One female bartender, an ex-stewardess, er, flight attendant from the now-defunct Eastern Airlines, used to clean-up. Literally and figuratively. I checked her out one nite and saw her pull out a wad totaling at least $400.00. No wonder she worked Mon-Thursday and drove to and fro from not quite the Alabama state line.
Servers regularly made a minimum of $200.00 a shift. The excellent ones far exceeded that measly total. It's a sad state of affairs when the manager makes less than the help. They come in, work their 8-10 hours and go home-not a worry in the world. While the aforementioned manager is multi-tasking while dealing with every passive-aggressive Tom, Dick, and Harry. Not to mention the p.a. guests and team members. And when he goes home to his abode, he takes his work with him.
All the bartenders and servers in the world are probably classified as "the working poor" by the U.S. government. Cos they don't claim all of their tips, reporting the minimum plus credit cards. The service industry prefers cash customers. Why? Duh! There's no records.
I have fantasized about procuring a server's job, but not sure how many double nickel male servers reside in today's workplace.
"How y'all doing? My name is v.c., and I'll be your server today. Our soup today is french onion, and today's special is fresh vietnam catfish caught off the banks of the Mekong Delta. Can I start you off with an appetizer or a potent potable?"
"It's admirable that the company hires senior citizens, v.c. But what are you gonna be when you grow up?"
Anyway, back to the jist of our tale. It amazes me that Starbucks made the top 25 in service. Maybe out on the west coast, the workers are happy and give great service. But I haven't seen it. So my original thesis stands: "Starbucks, Shmarbucks,"
which, coincidentally, is the title of today's foray.
Thar she blows, v.c.
P.S. Tonite's youtube foray!
P.S.S. Shades of the 60's-a drum solo.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
"Top 25 Companies in Customer Service"
The top 25 companies in customer service. I have used some of these products. Whenever I want to buy a new Porche or Lexus, I always receive the best of service.
And when I want to help out the American workers and buy a Caddy or a Buick, the sales people are always the best. I don't see where any food establishments-other than Starbucks-made the list. And I question S.B. being listed. When I go there, I ain't getting no top-notch service. Sorry! The Ritz-Carlton? Different story altogether. Here's the top 25, which are submitted for your perusal and approval.
1 USAA Insurance A+ A+ 992.6 79%
USAA keeps its promises, customers say. Ninety-six percent of home and 98 percent of auto policyholders report that USAA meets their commitments to call back regarding claim issues on time.
2 FOUR SEASONS HOTELS AND RESORTS Hotels A+ A+ 991.3 60%
When a Four Seasons executive says the luxury chain has an "obsession to be perfect," he means it. In 2006, just 2% of guests reported major problems with their hotel stay, halved from 4% in 2005.
3 CADILLAC Automotive A+ A+ 985.4 51%
Servicing a vehicle at a Cadillac dealer after the warranty expires is a top-notch experience, customers report. The brand scored at least 47 points higher than the industry average on all six related factors.
4 NORDSTROM Retail A A- 947.1 57%
Nordstrom's famed service levels didn't disappoint our respondents. Customers ranked the courtesy of the Seattle-based department store chain's people tops among all retailers.
5 WEGMANS FOOD MARKETS Supermarkets A- A 938.9 60%
You know they're good if customers rank the ease of returning things higher than Nordstrom. Wegmans received the best scores of any retailer for the ease of returning items to the store.
6 EDWARD JONES Broker A- A 938.2 58%
Edward Jones ranked 50 points higher than average full-service brokers overall. Their financial advisors, which received high marks for knowledge levels, scored 11.9 points higher than the industry average.
7 LEXUS Automotive A+ A+ 932.5 55%
At Lexus, there's no quesiton good service builds loyalty: More than 91% of customers said they would "probably" or "definitely" return to the dealer for customer-paid maintenance services.
8 UPS Shipping A B+ 931.5 40%
This global shipping giant ranked high on delivery timeliness and drivers' knowledge and flexibility. Only 1% of UPS customers reported problems with the service they received.
9 ENTERPRISE RENT-A-CAR Rental Car A- A- 926.8 44%
When it comes to rental cars, price drives satisfaction more than anything else. Enterprise earned the top score on all three price factors, from the cost of additional coverages to that dreaded fuel surcharge.
10 STARBUCKS Restaurant B+ B+ 920.3 45%
Starbucks baristas, no surprise, ranked high on their levels of friendliness, knowledge and availability. With almost 9,000 locations in the U.S., it's no wonder they also did well on convenience of locations.
11 THE RITZ-CARLTON Hotels A+ A+ 911.4 56%
Sure, it's what you'd expect from a luxury hotel, but the Ritz gets it right, guests say. Ninety-seven percent of customers report that their reservations were accurate, and just 4% reported a billing error.
12 AMICA INSURANCE Insurance A+ A+ 909.3 66%
When it comes to resolving auto claims--a headache for anyone who's had an accident--Amica's scores are second only to industry leader USAA, besting the insurance average by almost 90 points.
13 SOUTHWEST AIRLINES Airlines B B 901.1 50%
It's not just the low fares that customers "LUV" at Southwest. The airline's check-in process, and particularly its kiosks, won significantly higher than average scores from customers.
14 WASHINGTON MUTUAL Banking B B- 895.3 34%
Washington Mutual may be most known as a pioneer of free checking, but it's also notable for speedy service, customers say: 62% of respondents reported that problems were solved in one day or less.
15 CABELA'S Retail A- A- 888.4 66%
The outdoor retailer's loaner program, which allows employees to borrow, test out, and review its products for free, pays off. Cabela's ranks top among all retailers when it comes to product knowledge.
16 RAYMOND JAMES FINANCIAL Broker B+ A 887.4 48%
At this full-service brokerage firm, which includes 4,600 advisors in 2,200 locations, people are tops.
17 PORSCHE Automotive A+ A+ 880.2 55%
Porsche enthusiasts love to tell their friends how much they love their cars: Fifty-five percent say they would definitely recommend a Porsche, the second-highest ratio of any of the auto makers. (Lexus is No. 1.)
18 APPLE Electronics C- B+ 875.4 58%
Despite frustration about iPod battery replacements, Apple's customer service phone support ranks tops among electronics providers. In particular, customers rate its automated phone system as easy to navigate and good at resolving questions.
19 PUBLIX SUPER MARKETS Supermarkets A- B+ 872.1 60%
Customers gave this grocery chain, which is based in the Southeast, the highest marks among super markets when it comes to convenience of locations and speed of checkout.
20 HERTZ Rental Car B+ B 864.8 40%
Hertz's "#1 Club Gold" program, which lets frequent customers skip the rental counter, is gold indeed: Customers rated all five aspects of the car pick-up process significantly higher than the industry average.
21 FEDEX Shipping B+ B 857.5 43%
Customers say they recommend FedEx to their friends, family or colleagues slightly more often than they do UPS. They also give it top marks when it comes to dependability.
22 JW MARRIOTT HOTELS & RESORTS Hotel A+ A 854.0 51%
JW Marriott customers hail the brand's web site reservations, including the ease of booking online and quality of information on the site, with ratings above the luxury hotel category average.
23 T-MOBILE Wireless C C 850.7 36%
T-Mobile has the best billing process in the industry. Customers rank T-Mobile highest on four of the five "billing" attributes, including accuracy, ease of understanding bills, and timely problem resolution.
24 BUICK Automotive A+ A+ 827.8 46%
Buick ranks highest among non-premium auto brands in J.D. Power's customer satisfaction index study, receiving the highest scores for service advisor ratings, service quality, and dealership friendliness.
25 LINCOLN Automotive A+ A+ 827.3 47%
Few things can irritate customers more than a pushy car dealer. Lincoln's customers give the auto brand high marks for low pressure to buy accessories they don’t want.
P.S. Always a song. Take it away, Jimi. I watched a movie about him last nite. Made in 2000. Quite interesting actually.
And when I want to help out the American workers and buy a Caddy or a Buick, the sales people are always the best. I don't see where any food establishments-other than Starbucks-made the list. And I question S.B. being listed. When I go there, I ain't getting no top-notch service. Sorry! The Ritz-Carlton? Different story altogether. Here's the top 25, which are submitted for your perusal and approval.
1 USAA Insurance A+ A+ 992.6 79%
USAA keeps its promises, customers say. Ninety-six percent of home and 98 percent of auto policyholders report that USAA meets their commitments to call back regarding claim issues on time.
2 FOUR SEASONS HOTELS AND RESORTS Hotels A+ A+ 991.3 60%
When a Four Seasons executive says the luxury chain has an "obsession to be perfect," he means it. In 2006, just 2% of guests reported major problems with their hotel stay, halved from 4% in 2005.
3 CADILLAC Automotive A+ A+ 985.4 51%
Servicing a vehicle at a Cadillac dealer after the warranty expires is a top-notch experience, customers report. The brand scored at least 47 points higher than the industry average on all six related factors.
4 NORDSTROM Retail A A- 947.1 57%
Nordstrom's famed service levels didn't disappoint our respondents. Customers ranked the courtesy of the Seattle-based department store chain's people tops among all retailers.
5 WEGMANS FOOD MARKETS Supermarkets A- A 938.9 60%
You know they're good if customers rank the ease of returning things higher than Nordstrom. Wegmans received the best scores of any retailer for the ease of returning items to the store.
6 EDWARD JONES Broker A- A 938.2 58%
Edward Jones ranked 50 points higher than average full-service brokers overall. Their financial advisors, which received high marks for knowledge levels, scored 11.9 points higher than the industry average.
7 LEXUS Automotive A+ A+ 932.5 55%
At Lexus, there's no quesiton good service builds loyalty: More than 91% of customers said they would "probably" or "definitely" return to the dealer for customer-paid maintenance services.
8 UPS Shipping A B+ 931.5 40%
This global shipping giant ranked high on delivery timeliness and drivers' knowledge and flexibility. Only 1% of UPS customers reported problems with the service they received.
9 ENTERPRISE RENT-A-CAR Rental Car A- A- 926.8 44%
When it comes to rental cars, price drives satisfaction more than anything else. Enterprise earned the top score on all three price factors, from the cost of additional coverages to that dreaded fuel surcharge.
10 STARBUCKS Restaurant B+ B+ 920.3 45%
Starbucks baristas, no surprise, ranked high on their levels of friendliness, knowledge and availability. With almost 9,000 locations in the U.S., it's no wonder they also did well on convenience of locations.
11 THE RITZ-CARLTON Hotels A+ A+ 911.4 56%
Sure, it's what you'd expect from a luxury hotel, but the Ritz gets it right, guests say. Ninety-seven percent of customers report that their reservations were accurate, and just 4% reported a billing error.
12 AMICA INSURANCE Insurance A+ A+ 909.3 66%
When it comes to resolving auto claims--a headache for anyone who's had an accident--Amica's scores are second only to industry leader USAA, besting the insurance average by almost 90 points.
13 SOUTHWEST AIRLINES Airlines B B 901.1 50%
It's not just the low fares that customers "LUV" at Southwest. The airline's check-in process, and particularly its kiosks, won significantly higher than average scores from customers.
14 WASHINGTON MUTUAL Banking B B- 895.3 34%
Washington Mutual may be most known as a pioneer of free checking, but it's also notable for speedy service, customers say: 62% of respondents reported that problems were solved in one day or less.
15 CABELA'S Retail A- A- 888.4 66%
The outdoor retailer's loaner program, which allows employees to borrow, test out, and review its products for free, pays off. Cabela's ranks top among all retailers when it comes to product knowledge.
16 RAYMOND JAMES FINANCIAL Broker B+ A 887.4 48%
At this full-service brokerage firm, which includes 4,600 advisors in 2,200 locations, people are tops.
17 PORSCHE Automotive A+ A+ 880.2 55%
Porsche enthusiasts love to tell their friends how much they love their cars: Fifty-five percent say they would definitely recommend a Porsche, the second-highest ratio of any of the auto makers. (Lexus is No. 1.)
18 APPLE Electronics C- B+ 875.4 58%
Despite frustration about iPod battery replacements, Apple's customer service phone support ranks tops among electronics providers. In particular, customers rate its automated phone system as easy to navigate and good at resolving questions.
19 PUBLIX SUPER MARKETS Supermarkets A- B+ 872.1 60%
Customers gave this grocery chain, which is based in the Southeast, the highest marks among super markets when it comes to convenience of locations and speed of checkout.
20 HERTZ Rental Car B+ B 864.8 40%
Hertz's "#1 Club Gold" program, which lets frequent customers skip the rental counter, is gold indeed: Customers rated all five aspects of the car pick-up process significantly higher than the industry average.
21 FEDEX Shipping B+ B 857.5 43%
Customers say they recommend FedEx to their friends, family or colleagues slightly more often than they do UPS. They also give it top marks when it comes to dependability.
22 JW MARRIOTT HOTELS & RESORTS Hotel A+ A 854.0 51%
JW Marriott customers hail the brand's web site reservations, including the ease of booking online and quality of information on the site, with ratings above the luxury hotel category average.
23 T-MOBILE Wireless C C 850.7 36%
T-Mobile has the best billing process in the industry. Customers rank T-Mobile highest on four of the five "billing" attributes, including accuracy, ease of understanding bills, and timely problem resolution.
24 BUICK Automotive A+ A+ 827.8 46%
Buick ranks highest among non-premium auto brands in J.D. Power's customer satisfaction index study, receiving the highest scores for service advisor ratings, service quality, and dealership friendliness.
25 LINCOLN Automotive A+ A+ 827.3 47%
Few things can irritate customers more than a pushy car dealer. Lincoln's customers give the auto brand high marks for low pressure to buy accessories they don’t want.
P.S. Always a song. Take it away, Jimi. I watched a movie about him last nite. Made in 2000. Quite interesting actually.
"Dear Frat Bro"
I grew up during the turbulent 60's. I began my education at my alma mater, the fall of '69. The U.S. was embroiled in the Vietnam War; dames, er, young women were burning their bras and girdles and were questioning their submissive roles to men; the Civil Rights movement had been raging for years. Words like "far out," "heavy," "dude," and "groovy" were becoming mainstream in the "hippie culture;" young people disillusioned with all the conventional ideas of their parents.
And a new music arrived on the scene. Psychedelic, heavy metal and folk were emerging. And yers truly was caught-up smack dab in the middle of it. And because I had a yearning to drop in and drop out and to further the cause, I wrote a column for Truck U.'s newspaper. My byline was Frat Bro.
Btw, the greek sororities and fraternities were taking a hit in new membership, as the "counter culture" was dismissing the old established ways.
Here's my column from back in the day. An advice column, if you will, allah Ann Landers, which was designed to help my ggggeneration cope with the new revolution:
Dear Frat Bro: I'm scared @#$%less, dude. LBJ has decided to intensify our presence in Vietnam. I'm an English major, who is in danger of flunking out of school. My lottery number is 69. I'm afraid that I will be classified 1-A soon. Any suggestions. Signed: Not a Fortunate Son.
Dear Fortunate Son: Get to the bookstore quick and buy every cliff notes ever made. How do you think I've stayed at Truck U. all these years. Dude, the Canterbury Tales is a wild ride if you get the unabridged version. But Homer, Socrates, and Aristotle are greek to me. BTW, I ain't no senator's son. And when the tax man showed up at my dad's place, the house looked like a rummage sale, yawl. Thanks for the query and good luck!
Dear Frat Bro: Your column is heavy and far out. And groovy, dude. My friends tell me there's an outdoor rock concert/festival in upstate New York in August. Lots of beautiful people going. Trying to find themselves. It's gonna be a weekend of partying, dude. I heard that Jimi, Janis, CSN, Santana, Jefferson Airplane and maybe Bob Dylan will be there. Are you makin' the scene? Signed: Blonde on Blonde/Volunteers For America
Dear Blonde Volunteers: It's gonna be da heaviest collection of misfits ever assembled in one setting. Unfortunately, Bob has become somewhat of a recluse since his motorcycle accident. But Country Joe and the Fish will be there. Canned Heat and Ten Years After. I heard that Country Joe may change his name to Southern Fried Joe. But it's still the same fish to me. Thanks for the interrogatory!
Dear Frat Bro: When you leave Truck U. in a few years, what are you going to be when you grow up? In other words, what are your career goals? Are you going to get into print journalism and travel the world? Become a d.j. and spin the platters? Enter the exciting world of television. Maybe join Ted Turner's
fledgling new hybrid UHF station? What are you gonna do, dude? Signed: Inquisitive at Truck U's Inquisitional Facility.
Dear Inquisitive: None of the above, dude. I have my mind set on entering the wonderful world of restaurant hospitality. I have applied at Piccadilly Cafeteria. They make all their food from scratch. Pies, salads, meats, and veggies. I can't wait. They say the hours are great and you are well compensated. They have a crackerjack crew of maintenance men with well-honed skills. That repair all your service needs. Check back with me in 30 years and I'll tell you how it's going. "TFTQ!"
Dear Frat Bro: I am a freshman at Truck U. This is my first semester. I am not prepared for what is going on at this decadent institution. My roommate has hair down to his knees. He has gratuitous sex with his old lady < that's the demeaning term he calls her > every day, sometimes more. There is a unique smell floating throughout the dorm rooms. Smells similar to cigarettes but a friend said it was marijuana. I overheard my roommate plotting with his friends to blow up the military building on campus. There are anti-war demonstrations daily And a tall skinny shoeless hippie was looking for smokeable butts in my dorm's lobby ashtray. It's a madhouse here. My query: Should I turn my roommate over to the authorities or what? He has political aspirations and I'd hate to get him in trouble. He's a draft dodger as well. I came to Truck U. to get an education. Signed: Bill C's roommate.
Dear Bill: Your roomie is trippin' through a new scene, dude. My roomie, Al, was a prick. Establshment vs. anti-establishment, dude. It wasn't a groovy scene and he booked. He digs his new roomie, Tommy Lee. Loosen up! Suggestion: Go to a burn the bra rally and maybe you'll score.
Dear Frat Bro, I dig your column. It really helps my psyche. Can you help me with a serious problem? You're my last resort. I will turn 30 next month, and-as you know-the younger generation doesn't trust anyone over that age. I want to stay in the revolution, but I'm afraid I'll be persona non grata once the birthday fairy comes and leaves a quarter under my pillow. Can you dig my dilemma? What to do, dude? Signed: Far(m) out?
Dear Farm Out: I'm afraid it's over for you, dude. Once you turn 30, you'll want to move to the suburbs, have 2.5 kids, and start investing in a 401K. Enjoy it while you can! It will soon be Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra, the Carpenters, and Tiny Tim time. Forget Hendrix, Morrison, and the Airplane. Sorry, not negotiable in today's revolution.
P.S. Submitted for your approval, v.c.
And a new music arrived on the scene. Psychedelic, heavy metal and folk were emerging. And yers truly was caught-up smack dab in the middle of it. And because I had a yearning to drop in and drop out and to further the cause, I wrote a column for Truck U.'s newspaper. My byline was Frat Bro.
Btw, the greek sororities and fraternities were taking a hit in new membership, as the "counter culture" was dismissing the old established ways.
Here's my column from back in the day. An advice column, if you will, allah Ann Landers, which was designed to help my ggggeneration cope with the new revolution:
Dear Frat Bro: I'm scared @#$%less, dude. LBJ has decided to intensify our presence in Vietnam. I'm an English major, who is in danger of flunking out of school. My lottery number is 69. I'm afraid that I will be classified 1-A soon. Any suggestions. Signed: Not a Fortunate Son.
Dear Fortunate Son: Get to the bookstore quick and buy every cliff notes ever made. How do you think I've stayed at Truck U. all these years. Dude, the Canterbury Tales is a wild ride if you get the unabridged version. But Homer, Socrates, and Aristotle are greek to me. BTW, I ain't no senator's son. And when the tax man showed up at my dad's place, the house looked like a rummage sale, yawl. Thanks for the query and good luck!
Dear Frat Bro: Your column is heavy and far out. And groovy, dude. My friends tell me there's an outdoor rock concert/festival in upstate New York in August. Lots of beautiful people going. Trying to find themselves. It's gonna be a weekend of partying, dude. I heard that Jimi, Janis, CSN, Santana, Jefferson Airplane and maybe Bob Dylan will be there. Are you makin' the scene? Signed: Blonde on Blonde/Volunteers For America
Dear Blonde Volunteers: It's gonna be da heaviest collection of misfits ever assembled in one setting. Unfortunately, Bob has become somewhat of a recluse since his motorcycle accident. But Country Joe and the Fish will be there. Canned Heat and Ten Years After. I heard that Country Joe may change his name to Southern Fried Joe. But it's still the same fish to me. Thanks for the interrogatory!
Dear Frat Bro: When you leave Truck U. in a few years, what are you going to be when you grow up? In other words, what are your career goals? Are you going to get into print journalism and travel the world? Become a d.j. and spin the platters? Enter the exciting world of television. Maybe join Ted Turner's
fledgling new hybrid UHF station? What are you gonna do, dude? Signed: Inquisitive at Truck U's Inquisitional Facility.
Dear Inquisitive: None of the above, dude. I have my mind set on entering the wonderful world of restaurant hospitality. I have applied at Piccadilly Cafeteria. They make all their food from scratch. Pies, salads, meats, and veggies. I can't wait. They say the hours are great and you are well compensated. They have a crackerjack crew of maintenance men with well-honed skills. That repair all your service needs. Check back with me in 30 years and I'll tell you how it's going. "TFTQ!"
Dear Frat Bro: I am a freshman at Truck U. This is my first semester. I am not prepared for what is going on at this decadent institution. My roommate has hair down to his knees. He has gratuitous sex with his old lady < that's the demeaning term he calls her > every day, sometimes more. There is a unique smell floating throughout the dorm rooms. Smells similar to cigarettes but a friend said it was marijuana. I overheard my roommate plotting with his friends to blow up the military building on campus. There are anti-war demonstrations daily And a tall skinny shoeless hippie was looking for smokeable butts in my dorm's lobby ashtray. It's a madhouse here. My query: Should I turn my roommate over to the authorities or what? He has political aspirations and I'd hate to get him in trouble. He's a draft dodger as well. I came to Truck U. to get an education. Signed: Bill C's roommate.
Dear Bill: Your roomie is trippin' through a new scene, dude. My roomie, Al, was a prick. Establshment vs. anti-establishment, dude. It wasn't a groovy scene and he booked. He digs his new roomie, Tommy Lee. Loosen up! Suggestion: Go to a burn the bra rally and maybe you'll score.
Dear Frat Bro, I dig your column. It really helps my psyche. Can you help me with a serious problem? You're my last resort. I will turn 30 next month, and-as you know-the younger generation doesn't trust anyone over that age. I want to stay in the revolution, but I'm afraid I'll be persona non grata once the birthday fairy comes and leaves a quarter under my pillow. Can you dig my dilemma? What to do, dude? Signed: Far(m) out?
Dear Farm Out: I'm afraid it's over for you, dude. Once you turn 30, you'll want to move to the suburbs, have 2.5 kids, and start investing in a 401K. Enjoy it while you can! It will soon be Andy Williams, Frank Sinatra, the Carpenters, and Tiny Tim time. Forget Hendrix, Morrison, and the Airplane. Sorry, not negotiable in today's revolution.
P.S. Submitted for your approval, v.c.
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