Okay, so you want to write a blog, eh? Well everybody and his mom wants to write one, too. And every day a zillion more people begin a labor of love. Well ain't that a hoot? So you start your little blog, and before you know it, some dickhead is writing you with what they think is constructive criticism. Constructive, my ass. I delete the negative ones the minute I receive them, so you, the reader, won't have to contend with the negativity, which would certainly impact your day. Because there has been a steady stream of dickheads writing to me lately, I would like to share their slanderous/libelous thoughts with you, the viewing public, so you can see what a blog writer has to condend with on a daily basis. Altho quite perverted and mean-spirited [ except for the last one, which is my favorite ] they are being revealed for the first time "On Golden Pond" and are submitted for your perusal and approval:
Dear Cat, I really enjoy reading your dysfunctional column. Honestly, I think it's a bunch of doq squeeze. No one is interested in old movies, old rock bands whose stars are now in their sixties and can't get it up without prescription drugs, and silly stories, which I believe you refer to as "forays into the infantile." How cute! Why don't you grow up and get a life? And quit wasting our time with "Golden Pond." Here's hoping the Producers of said flick, or my heroine, Jane Fonda, will sue the shit out of you. There are plagiarism laws you know. Signed: Norman Thayer
Dear Cat, I thought you said you were an independent in your profile stage right. But your blog is far to the right in my veritable opinion. Those pictures you reprinted the other day [ Fark.com ] made fun of the next President of the U.S., Ms. Hillary Clinton. How dare you poke fun at her. She is definitely the best candidate for 2008. And wouldn't it be great if she chose John Kerry for a running mate? Signed: Alas, Not a Heinz Ketchup Fortunate Son
Dear Cat: Pure drivel. My five year old can write better. Even his pet Iguana could compose more eloquent prose just by dropping Dino on the typewriter keys. Pure hogwash. If you're not too old-and methinks you are even tho' it's unclear with your childish prattle-why don't you take a few writing courses, so the drivel you produce would be a bit more intelligible? And don't get me started on your grammar, syntax, and style. Hemmingway you ain't. Signed: Your English Lit Teacher Circa 1971
Dear Cat: If you were working for me, I would have fired your sorry ass long before now. Just like that fine eating establishment known as Piccadilly Cafeteria, where "the dilly is back," which canned you cos you weren't cuttin' the mustard. So you gave thirty years of your worthless life to that grand organization. What'd you want? A medal? It makes me ill when Corporate America gets bad press just because they let go of the dead weight. It's the market place, stupid. The company must cut back to survive and to put more money in the pockets of the CEO, so he/she/it can have a nice retirement fund when he/sheit retires. Boo hoo! Do you think you're the first person who ever got fired? Signed: Trump
P.S. If you introduced carrot souffle to cafeteriadom, as you claim, then I'm "The Donald."
Dear Cat: I enjoy old movies just like you do. And my favorite band of all time is "The Beatles." I saw them live circa 1965. My wife's name is Kitty. And my kids are named Catlain and Charlie. We have two pets, a dog and a cat. Penny Lane and Neil Diamond, respectively. And I went to "Rowdy High School" and attended "Truck U. University" back in the day, same as you. I love urban slang and synchronicity. Shawl is. I saw "The Vanilla Fudge" at the City Auditorium back in the 60's, and I loved going to the Central Adult Theatre to further my fledgling career in the cinema. I didn't really care that the actresses were nude and showed their boobs and sometimes a wisp of pubic hair. It was all about the art and honing my craft. I also think you have the best blog in the Universe; it even outdistances hootsbuddy's place by a pubic hair, er, by a nose hair. I live on Pon Jovi and love every "foray into the infantile" you've ever concocted. Signed: Dirty Harry
P.S. I disagree with that dickhead professor of yours [ circa 1971 ]who gave you a bad mark in Lit 102. You are better than Hemmingway, Dante, Fitzgerald, Dickens combined. Can't wait for the next foray
P.S. This column was written in 2006 and is a response to anonymous' reply to my last foray entitled "1985." Yes, when the Bard, er, Borde became the CEO, all joy in Mudville soon dissipated. Does anyone know what the boy is doing now, he of the glazed eyes.
P.S.S. And who was the mystery challenger who signed in? Anonymously!
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