Writing a column on the yahoo isn't all it's cracked-up to be. There's deadlines to meet, passive-aggressive proof readers to mollify, <> and nosy editors who peruse your column and snip here and snip there. And before you know it, the column is reduced to a shell of its original message.
Then there's the FCC to contend with. <> A few months ago, the boys on high ruled that saying the "f" word via the airwaves was a.o.k. And we were tempted to headline the "f" word in a future column.
But that was before Janet Jackson ruined it for everybody by exposing her right breast during the Super Bowl halftime show. Since we don't have tivo on the pond, we had to wait until the next day for the exciting climax of events. Her partner in crime, one of the backstreet boys, was in on the red herring, as we all learned in the aftermath.
Then there's Briggs, my r.m., who keeps trying to ferret out my secret identity. He seems to think I'm pictruandtru. But I told him that pictru is Farty Heliyum and lives in southern Florida, home of the hanging chads. And that Slim Stealson is the r.m. in that locale.
At our last mgr.'s meeing he tried to tripp me up. It was during a break in the action- a ten minute break. We were milling about-a few guys were smoking cigarettes, heavy on the nicotine, when Briggs fired the first shot:
"You like movies, don't you Alan?"
"Sure, I've seen a few. Doesn't everybody?"
"Are you passionate about movies? You know, the old movies. Filmed in black and white. I bet you really like the science fiction genre?"
"Well, sort of."
"You ever seen 'I Was A Teenage Werewolf?'"
"Yeah, with Michael J. Fox. Funny movie."
"Ever heard of a movie about an alien vegetable who wreaks havoc on the Earth and stars James Arness?"
"Huh?"
"'Twenty Million Miles To Earth?'"
"Huh?"
"Do you like the Rolling Stones? Ever been to Altamount, back in the day?"
"Those guys are old enough to be my grandfather. Nah, I liked the big-haired bands with the stylish coifs."
"What's your favorite movie of all time? Would it be 'Jaws?'"
"No. My favorite is either 'Harold and Maude' or 'Brewster McCloud.'"
"How's the family? What's your wife's name? Kitty, isn't it?"
"They're doing just fine. Kitty? My wife's name is Hillary. Why all the questions, Briggs?"
"Just curious. I want to know as much as I can about all of my fine charges. Well, break's over. See you back inside."
See what I mean. Sure it seems like a glamourous profession, but writing a column on your company's message board isn't all it's cracked up to be. It's hard work. New ideas to think up, deadlines, wives, editors, bosses, etc. You've got to invent new tag lines, so the material doesn't get stale. The list goes on and on. In the end, however, it's all about everyone wanting a piece of the pie.
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. From the bridge over troubled waters.
P.S.S. Kitty just informed me that the above tag line is currently in use. Dammit. Got to start all over again.
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