Welcome Back Slippery

Glad to have you back on the Pond, Slippery. You were missed.

Thanks for the kind words. The exchange between me and Keith was somewhat factual. We would have those conversations every night at bedtime. Because we were full of testosterone and were reaching our sexual peak, we were always enamored with the likes of Ms. December, Ms. August, and Ms. Whoever.

Good talking to you on the phone. We should get together and relive old times. And reminisce of Victory, Dixie ( which might not be pc these days ) slippery gentlemen, up up and away, peanut vendor, and while we're at it, a good old John Phillip Sousa march. 

And Beethoven's 5th symphony in 1/1 time.

Gimme Shelter, v.c.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Today is your birthday. You would have been 88 today. You made 87, which was a ripe old age.

Things just haven't been the same without you.

I was at Kroger yesterday, where you got your prescriptions. Hadn't been there in a while. It was sad.

Just to update you in case you don't know:

I'm still selling seafood down by the see shore.I'm doing my shtick with the customers and making them laugh. I like to say "welcome back" to most of them, who smile for the most part. A few look incredulous. Like huh?

Mom, the Braves are doing well. In first place and way ahead of Washington. They have added a few new players. Alas, Martin Prado is no longer with the team. Freddy Freeman is having a whale of a year, and Brian McCann is starting to come on strong. It doesn't seem the same without Chipper on the team, and I still miss Bobby Cox being in the dugout.

I see Annette every now and then. She cut your hair for how many years? She loves seafood like you do.

I'm going to see "Chicago" August 17th at the amphitheater. Have been listening to their music bypassing for now ( the Fab 4 ). Some of the live stuff from back in the day on youtube is quite impressive.

So Happy Birthday Mom. I miss you. Wish you were here to open your card. You always liked the ones I got you. Love, Harry

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXb8ZDuICCs

"Last Words?"

Saw this on Comcast.

Famous Sign-Offs

From the ironic to the absurd, see the final unforgettable utterances of some of the world's biggest stars. —Jeff Royer (Photos: Getty Images)

Which made me wonder what my last words might be. Perhaps....

 

1) How long on that white meat? ( A reference to my old job digs where it was a challenge to have enough white meat fried chicken. )

 

2) No, I don't need to squeeze my sponge! ( Aunt Madeline, who could pee in a steady stream for minutes coined this phrase. I witnessed her squeezing her sponge when we pulled off the road-instead of stopping at a gas station-to relieve ourselves on many jaunts to Florida and South Carolina.

 

3) Who did what to who?  ( Or would I say who do what to whom? )

 

4) I'm gonna shave my head and go down the railroad backwards. ( Another Aunt Madelineism ) 

 

5) She went to Etowah Diddly. ( Ditto-Aunt Mad again. )

 

6) I'm so glad to know Gilligan, the Skipper, Professor, et al made it off the island.

 

7) Gimme Shelter.

 

8) Farewell and adieu.

 

9) I always surmised it was true. Al Gore Did invent the internet.

 

10) What really happened on the grassy knoll?

 

11) Heetomahotomastinkarinkyfarmerdinkysallybunkawinktomanipcatsingsongkittywontchacowmeoh. ( sp ). Yep. Aunt Mad again!

 

12) And now as tears subside, I find it all so amusing. ( Apologies to Paul Anka, Frank, and the King )

 

13) I should have had a V-8.

 

14) Leggo my eggo.

 

15) More cowbell. ( Apologies to Bruce Dickinson ).

 

16) C.mon let's twist again. Like we did last summer.

 

17) Gimme back my bullets. Oooh that smell. ( Apologies to Lynyrd ).

 

18) We're gonna need a bigger boat. ( My favorite movie of all time ).

 

19) I should have been more like Bill Clinton. Smoked but didn't inhale. ( Apologies to Camels 99's in the blue pack-my smoke of choice ).

 

20) Bonjour. ( Apologies to the French internet model in the All State or is it State Farm commercials ).

 

21) Bad company and I can't deny.

 

22) Whattdaya mean it's 15 minutes on white meat? ( Chicken livers can be substituted as well ).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlKJ-0bnxdA

 

 

 

"From 2005-Oldie but Goodie?"

Ah, the laments of a time gone by. Not sure I could write something like this today. But back in the halcyon days of 2005 this came out of me. 

Me and Keith were roommates at Truck U. in the fall of 1969. We had graduated from Rowdy High three months prior to matriculating at Truck U. We lived at Paine Hall-he matriculated on the bottom bunk, and I had the top. We often reflected at night before z'ing ourselves to sleep. Here is one of our conversations. 

Truck U. 5

If some of ya'll never been down South too much...
I'm gonna tell you a little bit about this, so that you'll understand
What I'm talking about
Down there we have a plant that grows out in the woods and the fields,
Looks somethin' like a turnip green.
Everybody calls it Polk salad.
Polk salad. Used to know a girl that lived down there
and she'd go out in the evenings and pick a mess of it...
Carry it home and cook it for supper,
'cause that's about all they had to eat,
But they did all right....

"Keith, you ever eat any polk salad?"

"Vee, I ain't ever had any-don't even know what in the hell it is! What made you ask me that? You're not gettin' delusional on me again, are you?"

"Nah, I'm o.k. I'm just sittin' here in my top bunk reflecting. And polk salad popped in me head."
"Get some sleep. Me and Miss June would like some privacy, if you don't mind."

"I wondered why you took your hankerchief to bed. Too bad we aren't at the Central Adult Theatre. Watching 'The Lustful Turk.' Now that was cinema verite, eh?"

"Man, that county fair tonite was a blast! Ain't nothing like the one in the big city."

"Yeah, I never saw nothin' like it. All those young girls came struttin' out of nowhere in their birthday suits. Squattin' down in front of us and showing us everything they got."

"Too bad we didn't bring flashlights like those other guys. And they [ the girls ] didn't cotton to the zippos-kept blowin' 'em out."

"Yeah, a zippo could catch a bush on fire. You can't blame 'em."

"How do you think the elections will play out?"

"I think Ted Kennedy will win again even tho he left Mary Jo to die."

"Nah, not that one. The Iraqi elections?"

"What Iraqi elections. Sadam Hussein will never be ousted."

"Maybe it was a dream then. Yes, it was. I dreamed it was 2005 and Iraqi's were exercising their right to vote. And Iraq was becoming a republic, er, democracy. And the prez of the U.S. was Bush Jr."

"Bush? You gotta quit going to the fair and fantasizing about all those girls with the flashlights and zippos."

"Keith, you think there were any homos at Rowdy High?"

"Huh? Well, maybe one or two! You sure you're o.k.? I could call the medic again."

"Do you think homos choose to be that way or is it genetic? Or it just happens?"

"Never gave it much thought cos I'm a red-blooded heterosexual. Hey, me and Miss June-we want to be alone. Go to sleep."

"My mom found my Playboys a coppola years ago, discreetly-or so I thought-tucked away in my drawers at home. I remember it well: 'Well, my son smokes, drinks, and now he looks at Playboy Magazine.' Maybe she was relieved to know I wasn't a homo."

"Go to sleep."

"Remember that stag film we saw?"

"The one with the hippie guy with the large prick? Damn thing shriveled up to nothing when he blew his load."

"I was thinking about the one where those two chicks were gettin' it on."

"Yeah, that was hot."

"How come guys like to see hot chicks doing the wild thang? You think girls want to see two guys gettin' it on?"

"Hell, no!"

"Keith, you think we'll ever get laid at Truck U.?"

"Nah. Me and Sue are waiting til we get married. But if the situation presents itself and Sue relents well....Hey, where you going?"

"Something popped up. Now where'd I put that Playboy and handkerchief? What'd you do with the vaseline?"

"Uh, here you go. I borrowed it. Let's go to Bubba's Friday night."

"Yeah! Sounds good. Drown our sorrows. G'nite."

"G'nite."

"Keith?"

"Yeah! WHAT IS IT NOW?"

"What though the radiance which was once so bright
Be now for ever taken from my sight,
Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass.
Of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind;
In the primal sympathy
Which having been must ever be;
In the soothing thoughts that spring
Out of human suffering;
In the faith that looks through death,
In years that bring the philosophic mind."

"Vee, I'm calling the doctor."

"I'm okay, Keith. Continue your tryst with Miss June. G'nite, dude."

Down in Louisiana
Where the alligators grow so mean
There lived a girl that I swear to the world
Made the alligators look tame

Polk salad Annie
polk salad Annie
Everybody said it was a shame
Cause her mama was working on the chain-gang (a mean, vicious woman) ....

"Gross! Houston Astros vendor fired after bringing snow cone tray into toilet stall"

Talk about getting caught with your pants down....literally. Sno panting in the stall, eh?

When history looks back on the Reid Ryan era as president of the Houston Astros, no doubt it will fondly recall the first public action Nolan Ryan's son took as head honcho:

Ryan had a snow cone vendor fired — he was an employee of Aramark — for bringing the product into a toilet stall at Minute Maid Park during an Astros game earlier this week.

The vendor was caught with his pants down around his ankles — literally — by a good Samaritan who also happened to be using the bathroom at the time. The whistleblower switched on his cell phone to record the shocking moment, and alerted another ballpark employee (who was walking into the men's room) to the vendor's behavior. The fan also demanded to see a supervisor, adding, in an unintentionally hilarious moment:

"Light My Fire"

Rock Legend Ray Manzarek, Keyboardist For The Doors, Dies At 74

 Another one bites the dust, eh? Would never have guessed Ray was 74. As Kansas once sang, "all we are is dust in the wind."  

Ain't it the truth? 

"Happy Mother's Day"

Tomorrow will be the first Mother's Day without my mom. It will be different, of course. I always got her a Hallmark card for the big day, and she always fawned over them. "You always get me the most special cards." I will miss her saying that. And I miss her dearly. It just isn't the same.

The following is a post from yesteryear. I think she liked this one and would like it today. So Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Hope things are going well in Heaven. Say hello to the gang and tell them all I will meet up with them one day.


When we first arrive in this crazy world, most moms are there to nurture us. To scold us when we do bad and to praise us when we do good. My mom was no different. The following is an IM conversation we had earlier today. Because she lives many nautical miles from the pond, me and kitty and the family weren't able to make the voyage to visit. And here's hoping she won't mind me sharing this with the world, er, PIC world.

"Happy Mother's Day, Mom."

"Alan. Is that you? So good to hear from you! How are things in N'awlins?"



"Everybody's fine, mom. We've got a big pot of jambalaya simmering on the stove. Kitty's making crawfish pie and filet gumbo as we speak."



"How is Briggs? And how are things at H.W.?"



"Briggs sends his regards and H.W. is H.W. How are you?"



"I'm fine, son. How are the little whiskersnappers, Katlin and Charlie Jr.?"



"Katlin is at the mall spending money, as usual. Charlie is perusing the streets on his Harley. He just got a new tattoo.



"Fritz, your brother, called a few minutes ago. And sent me a lovely bouquet of flowers. He couldn't talk long-he was on his way to hear Michael Moore speak at the Haight. And then he was off to order Dennis Kucinich's audio tapes at Barnes/Noble."



"Still the ultra left winger, eh, Mom."



"I'm afraid so, Alan. Poor, Fritz. He hasn't been the same since he fell out of the window onto his head in our old garage apartment back in the day. Yes, those were simpler times. I see you're still trying to engage the identity of pictruandtru. Any luck?"



"Well, I've narrowed it down to Dale Brown or Clyde the Glide Malmberg."



"I always thought he was Stromile Swift. You have become a bit redundant. Didn't you use that one once before?"



"Mom, I can't keep up with all the challenges. Since Hoots has vacated the title of Mr. Archive, it makes my job a lot harder."



"I've noticed a lot of spelling and grammatical errors in your posts, lately. And, son, it's eminent domain, not imminent domain."



"Mom, you know I'm just a cafeteria manager who worked his way up from prep cook to manager at the enigmatic H.H and H.W."



"But me and your dad had such hi-hopes for you.

Communal living wasn't a fit for you. I'm sorry."



"Don't be sorry, Mom. Even tho apologies are the "in" thing these days. Everything's fine cos we're jammin' at the Potpurri. But here's wishing you the happiest of Mother's Days. I love you!"



"I love you, son. And would you please reconsider a wardrobe change. I, er, the world can see your private, er, family jewels."



"It's all show biz, Mom. Happy Mother's Day. Farewell and adieu, your son, v.c.

"Dear Cat"

It's time for a new "Dear Cat." So here we go.'

Dear Cat: I have been perusing your column for years but have noticed a paucity of posts lately. What have you been up to? Have you lost your passion for Golden Pond? In other words wherefore art thou? Signed "To be or not to be?"''

Dear   R n J: I had to look up paucity on dic.com before I could answer, so ,yes, you are right kemo sabe.  What have I been up to? Selling seafood down by the seashore or to be more specific, selling seafood down at the local grocer.

Instead of would you like to make that a super dilly, or would you like fries with your can't see your toes burger, I now utter would you like any shrimp with your order? Or crab legs, or surimi, or crawfish, or scallops-well, you get the drift.

I like working there, because I can do my shtick with the customers. I sometimes tell them I've been on a seafood diet all my life, or I see food differently allah a certain restaurant chain. I even get to sit down for 30 minutes for lunch without having to answer the phone or fielding queries from the staff or rowdy guests. At Hell Whole, my employment venue of 30 years, passive aggressive was a way of life.  So, life is good. Perhaps my little niche in this imperfect world has been found.

Thanks for reading my column and for improving my vocabulary-one word at a time, and thanks for the query.

Dear Cat: Sorry to hear your mom passed away. How are you coping? Signed: Mother's Day is this Sunday.

Dear Mom, Mom had a good life of 87 years, but her ticker just gave out. There are many things I miss:

Her telling me when to get a haircut. And when to color my hair. "You look 10 years younger when you cut your hair and color it."

Looking for those weird items in the grocery store that took forever to find. "Can you tell me where the saffron honey cluster clusters are? And the root of cloister?"

Getting giddy when her cumodin ( sp and too lazy to look it up ) level was between 2 n 3.

Eating at the Café Pig which had really good Brunswick stew-excellent brisket and homemade banana pudding.

Missing her period, cos we were joined at the hip. What more can I say?

And thanks for the query.

Dear Cat: I have often thought that life's a ball if only you know it. and it's all just waiting for you. Do you agree? Signed C. Birdie.

Dear Conrad: Not so sure these days. As John Ono Lennon once sang: "Why in the world ( r ) we here; Shirley not to live in pain and fear?" What more can I say? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqP3wT5lpa4

Thanks for the query.

P.S. It's farewell and adieu time. methinks we need a bigger boat. Gimme shelter.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry03vdJCe60

"It's Been a While"

Haven't posted anything in a long time. For many reasons. So....

Today is Tax Day. April 15th. And I just sent mine in. Nothing like waiting til the last minute....eh?

The Braves sans Chipper Jones are off to a hot start. 11-1. My mom, one of the hugest of Braves fans, would have loved it. She would have liked the new additions. The Upton brothers and Gattis-not sure from whence he came- among others.

I went to Saturday's night game but had to leave early. Missing the 9th inning comeback. Oh well.

I'm off to work at 2 pm so this will be short.

Farewell and adieu

P.S. I would like to pen a "Dear Cat" in my next foray into the infantile.

"Encore!"

 

"Still Hangin' In There!"

 

"In My Life"

I'm still missing my mom. I can't believe she's gone. She was my mom, but also a good friend who was always there for me. Even when the chips were down.

We had a lot in common. Perry Mason, Jeopardy, and the Atlanta Braves.

I'll miss watching Perry with her and pointing out the Vito Scotti's. the Dabs Greer's, the Harvey Corman's, the Julie Adam's of show business. The obscure actors that only me and film/tv critics would know.

I'll miss watching Jeopardy and amazing her when I sometimes answered the final Jeopardy question. "How did you know tasmanian devil was the answer ?  I've never even heard of a tasmanian devil," she said.

I'll miss explaining the infield fly rule. And the implications of the double switch. And I'll miss her wondering why the Braves "can't hit the ball," and suffering yet another playoff defeat. And I'll miss her affection for Brooks Conrad, Brian McCain, and John Smoltz.

Yep. Death is final. That's the hard part.

"Mom"

Still coming to grips with my mom's passing away. I never thought she would die this soon-even at 87-because she was a fighter. I look back now and see the signs. She was frail and had less mobility.

I know she's in a better place. 

The following collage is one I made years ago. Just looked like a neat picture. But one scene is from "Some Like it Hot," a movie mom, sis, and me saw in '59 in L.A. at the Grauman's Chinese Theatre. The one where the stars put their hands and feet in the cement.

At that age-8-I wanted to one day live in Los Angeles. I loved the glitz/glamor. And Disneyland and Knotts Berry Farm.

I never made it there to live but who knows....

 

"My Mom is Gone"

My mom is gone. She passed away Thursday at 4:45 pm. She went peacefully in the hospital. I loved my mom-she was always there for me. I want to say more-write something-a love letter to her, but I am grieving now. I will miss her; there will be a huge void. She was my biggest fan and always encouraged me to write. The following link was one of her favorite stories. I love you, Mom Tell everyone hi in Heaven. Aunt Mad, Grandma Ruby, Granddaddy Pat; Harry, my dad, Aunt Frances, Uncle Gene, Aunt Barbara, and Fred, my stepfather.

http://vietnamcatfish.blogspot.com/search?q=ooh+la+la

"Ravi Shankar Dies"

"Boys of Summer Circa 1960's"

 

 

"Go Dawgs!"

The Dawgs play Bama tomorrow afternoon in the Ga. Dome. Here's hoping the Dawgs kick the Tide's butts. 

In a fit of synchronicity, I ran across an old email from years ago.

The following questions are on the Alabama High School exit exam:

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False
5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for “twelve.” True or False

  Go DAWGS. I really dislike Lou Saban btw.