Bill and Phil crawl out of bed. Phil makes the coffee as always, heavy on the caffeine.
Phil: How do you want your eggs, Bill?
Bill: I'm having coffee and cigarettes for breakfast!
Both laugh! Phil cracks a few eggs for scrambling. and puts water in a big pot for grits.
Phil: Is it true that self-respecting Southerners don't like instant grits?
Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards like quick grits.
Both laugh again.
Phil takes a huge gulp of coffee and turns on the tv. As always, its on Fox News from the night before.
Bill: Libtards hate Fox News!
Phil: They never watch it, so how do they know its news is biased. ( Phil says, somewhat rhetorically )
Bill: We should watch CNN , the most respected news channel on TV, for a change!
( Uproarious laughter! )
Or MSNBC. Brian Williams and Rachel Maddow are spot on! Two of my favorite anchors. And don't forget Don Lemon!
( More uproarious laughter )
Phil: What's stinky, black, and white and red all over?
Bill: A sunburned zebra with diarrhea? An embarrassed zebra with diarrhea?
Phil: No, a fish wrapped in the New York Times!
( More Laughter )
Bill: How do you do it? You should make a meme.
Phil? Have you ever been hoisted by your own petard?
Phil: That's deep, Bill! And too early in the morning for that shit! I don't even know what you're talking about.
Bill: I can't help myself, Phil. I'm being philosophical, that's all.
Phil: I'm Phil Osofficle. You know I hate it when you make fun of my name!
Bill: Don't worry about it; we all get sensitive about something. Everybody's got their own baggage. It comes from how we were brought up....for the most part. And what comprised our DNA.
Phil: Speaking of family I haven't heard from mine in a while. I have 2 half brothers and a sister. Never hear from them.
Bill: Phil, I wonder what Gil, Lil and Will are up to these days. It's a shame you haven't heard from them.
Phil: Last I heard, Gil sells sea seals down by the sea seal shore. Lil, who could be a pill, but always kept it real, was still residing on Beacon Hill; and Will farms dill down at the old mill.
Bill: You should call them.
Phil: That's a nil Bill! I'd rather have a banal root canal.
Bill: Hey, your Grits look like they're ready.
Phil: What do you think of people who put sugar on grits.
Bill: Only commies, socialists and libtards put sugar on their grits.
Both laugh.
Bill, in his best Bernie Sanders: we are starting a revolution with sugar on grits for everyone. It's a human right, along with healthcare for all! Tear down that wall, Mr. Trump!
Phil laughs at Bill's imitation and glances at the TV. He is startled by a familiar figure rushing the stage at a Bernie Sanders rally.
Bill: Phil, what's wrong? It looks like you just saw a ghost.
Phil: ( visibly shaken ) It's him. Look!
Bill: Who is It?
Phil: It's Juan R Mann! ( the tax accountant who fleeced him of his money ).
In a daze, he mistakenly puts sugar on his grits instead of in his coffee, heavy on the caffeine.
Phil's heart is racing! "I just lost my appetite."
Bill lights another cigarette and downs the last drops of his coffee.
Both are elated but in a state of shock.
Suddenly, Phil's phone rings.
Phil: Hello?
Hi, I'm Kamala Harrass calling for Grand Princess cruise ships. Have we got a great deal for you! Prices have been dramatically reduced....
Phil hangs up before she can finish her spiel.
Bill: Who was that?
Phil: A Miss Harriass. She's selling rides on a cruise ship. At a discount.
Both laugh. Phil ditches the grits.
Popular Posts
Tuesday, March 10, 2020
Thursday, November 14, 2019
Thursday, August 02, 2018
He's back!
Yes, it's true. I finally found out how to hack my own account. This will be my first posting and many years.
It's good to be back in! A lot has transpired since my last foray.
I'm tickled to be back in!
For now farewell and adieu!
It's good to be back in! A lot has transpired since my last foray.
I'm tickled to be back in!
For now farewell and adieu!
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
Dear Friend
Dear Blog: How have you been, old friend? Missed you. Like the flower needs the rain.
I once was obsessed with daily postings. But the fire is lacking. Perhaps if I could post pictures as in the old days it would be a start towards engagement.
The election for the presidency is in full swing. It's Trump vs. Cruz. And Hillary vs. Bernie. Feel the Bern is the popular campaign slogan for Mr. Sanders.
Trump is compared to Hitler.
Hillary is thought to be a liar. And her association with Bill doesn't help.
And there's the conspiracy theories of rigged elections.
Well, old friend. Time to go. See you next time, eh?
I once was obsessed with daily postings. But the fire is lacking. Perhaps if I could post pictures as in the old days it would be a start towards engagement.
The election for the presidency is in full swing. It's Trump vs. Cruz. And Hillary vs. Bernie. Feel the Bern is the popular campaign slogan for Mr. Sanders.
Trump is compared to Hitler.
Hillary is thought to be a liar. And her association with Bill doesn't help.
And there's the conspiracy theories of rigged elections.
Well, old friend. Time to go. See you next time, eh?
Saturday, November 21, 2015
2015. Where did the time go?
Hello World,
I am alive and well and miss my blog of 10 plus years. 2016 is knocking on the door. Thanksgiving is nearing and Christmas as well.
Starbucks has infuriated some of the faithful by discontinuing its Christmas cup.
Syrians want to come into the country.
Climate change is still a hot topic.
Gun control. Ditto.
The presidential race is heating up.
Bernie and Hillary are going at it.
Trump and Carson. ditto
I can't get into the left wing propaganda. Right wing. ditto.
Life's too short, eh?
I've got a poker tournament today. So life is good!
Hello. goodbye. Ditto.
Over and out.
I am alive and well and miss my blog of 10 plus years. 2016 is knocking on the door. Thanksgiving is nearing and Christmas as well.
Starbucks has infuriated some of the faithful by discontinuing its Christmas cup.
Syrians want to come into the country.
Climate change is still a hot topic.
Gun control. Ditto.
The presidential race is heating up.
Bernie and Hillary are going at it.
Trump and Carson. ditto
I can't get into the left wing propaganda. Right wing. ditto.
Life's too short, eh?
I've got a poker tournament today. So life is good!
Hello. goodbye. Ditto.
Over and out.
Wednesday, April 01, 2015
"What's It All About, Alfie?"
Well, here we go again. Where it stops nobody knows.
I recently won the "Tournament of Champions" poker tournament at GPN. Out of 16 contestants even though 24 were invited I was victorious. $250.00 was the prize plus the recognition. A 250 point bounty follows me throughout the year. And I'm not obligated to buy food at the venues to receive a chip up.
Last Friday I won the deepstack tournament at YKnots. Around 60 participants. It was the craziest and wildest games I've ever been associated with. Drunks and drama. And me, basically, a teetotaler. ( thank you spellcheck ). It became a showdown between me and Tom and Kristen, who was drunk as a coot.
Tom knocked out Kristen so it became heads up. Several hands later I attempted to bluff with a 2 and a nine. All in. Tom had two pair, but I hit a straight on the river. Thanks to Kaos, a railbird if you will, who noticed the straight when no one else did. Me and Tom had exchanged congratulatory handshakes thinking it was over, Tom the winner. With my new life I dominated the rest of the way. And won a $40.00 gift certificate. And it vaulted me into 3rd place in the monthly points total. Ain't life grand?
Enough of poker. The final four is this weekend. Michigan State, Duke, Wisconsin and Kentucky are the teams. Kentucky is the favorite. Time will tell.
Well that's it. Farewell and adieu and gimme shelter.
I recently won the "Tournament of Champions" poker tournament at GPN. Out of 16 contestants even though 24 were invited I was victorious. $250.00 was the prize plus the recognition. A 250 point bounty follows me throughout the year. And I'm not obligated to buy food at the venues to receive a chip up.
Last Friday I won the deepstack tournament at YKnots. Around 60 participants. It was the craziest and wildest games I've ever been associated with. Drunks and drama. And me, basically, a teetotaler. ( thank you spellcheck ). It became a showdown between me and Tom and Kristen, who was drunk as a coot.
Tom knocked out Kristen so it became heads up. Several hands later I attempted to bluff with a 2 and a nine. All in. Tom had two pair, but I hit a straight on the river. Thanks to Kaos, a railbird if you will, who noticed the straight when no one else did. Me and Tom had exchanged congratulatory handshakes thinking it was over, Tom the winner. With my new life I dominated the rest of the way. And won a $40.00 gift certificate. And it vaulted me into 3rd place in the monthly points total. Ain't life grand?
Enough of poker. The final four is this weekend. Michigan State, Duke, Wisconsin and Kentucky are the teams. Kentucky is the favorite. Time will tell.
Well that's it. Farewell and adieu and gimme shelter.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
"Dear Cat"
Dear Cat, Recently, I have become addicted to Facebook. I'm posting snippets here, snippets there. I have even borrowed from you via Golden Pond. I read posts from my friends and family. Half liberal, half conservative. I now live FB day and night. Do you think I have a problem? Signed: Not Zuckerberg
Dear Zuck: No, you do not have a problem. I'm a fan of FB too. I love reading accounts of global warming; what someone eats for breakfast and supper; one's love of God and country; and who let the dawgs out. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat, Seattle lost the Super Bowl to New England. Did you watch and who did you want to win? Or is it whom did you want to win? Signed: Perplexed in Grammar with Deflated Balls.
Dear Perplexed: I watched the game and was ecstatic that the Patriots won. I like Tom Brady because he was a 6th round draft pick. The interception that sealed the victory was icing on the red velvet cake.
My balls would have been deflated if Seattle had won, seeing how I had a $50 bet on the game. Btw, I love it when prissy folks think whom is always the correct way to go. Whom wants to go; whom has deflated balls; and whom ate the red velvet cake. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat, You recently celebrated your ### birthday. You are getting old as the hills. How does it feel to be old as dirt? Signed: I'm so tired; and as you say, apologies to John Ono Lennon.
Dear John: Let me start out with the usual cliches. I'm not getting older I'm getting better. I am like fine wine. better with age. You're as old as you feel. I've fallen and I can't get up. Getting old is a bitch in reality. There's more hair in my ears than fruit flies on a rotten plantain ( used before but it's one of my favorite quips ); my knees ache cos I probably need knee replacements; I use a comb over to hide the recession of my hair; and I enjoy reminiscing of an earlier time. Btw, John Winston coined: "why in the world are we here; surely, not to live in pain and fear. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: Casablanca is a hot topic on FB. It's one of your favorite movies, eh? What do you like about it? Whom is your favorite actor in the film? Signed: Play it again, Sam.
Dear Sam: Thanks for the query. It's who is your favorite actor. Not whom. Didn't you read the above query? Anyway, it's one helluva love story. "We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.." Everyone can relate.
It's funny:
Dear Zuck: No, you do not have a problem. I'm a fan of FB too. I love reading accounts of global warming; what someone eats for breakfast and supper; one's love of God and country; and who let the dawgs out. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat, Seattle lost the Super Bowl to New England. Did you watch and who did you want to win? Or is it whom did you want to win? Signed: Perplexed in Grammar with Deflated Balls.
Dear Perplexed: I watched the game and was ecstatic that the Patriots won. I like Tom Brady because he was a 6th round draft pick. The interception that sealed the victory was icing on the red velvet cake.
My balls would have been deflated if Seattle had won, seeing how I had a $50 bet on the game. Btw, I love it when prissy folks think whom is always the correct way to go. Whom wants to go; whom has deflated balls; and whom ate the red velvet cake. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat, You recently celebrated your ### birthday. You are getting old as the hills. How does it feel to be old as dirt? Signed: I'm so tired; and as you say, apologies to John Ono Lennon.
Dear John: Let me start out with the usual cliches. I'm not getting older I'm getting better. I am like fine wine. better with age. You're as old as you feel. I've fallen and I can't get up. Getting old is a bitch in reality. There's more hair in my ears than fruit flies on a rotten plantain ( used before but it's one of my favorite quips ); my knees ache cos I probably need knee replacements; I use a comb over to hide the recession of my hair; and I enjoy reminiscing of an earlier time. Btw, John Winston coined: "why in the world are we here; surely, not to live in pain and fear. Thanks for the query.
Dear Cat: Casablanca is a hot topic on FB. It's one of your favorite movies, eh? What do you like about it? Whom is your favorite actor in the film? Signed: Play it again, Sam.
Dear Sam: Thanks for the query. It's who is your favorite actor. Not whom. Didn't you read the above query? Anyway, it's one helluva love story. "We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.." Everyone can relate.
It's funny:
Captain Renault:
What in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed.
And it has the intrigue of World War II as a backdrop.
Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
Captain Renault: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
Rick: I was misinformed.
And it has the intrigue of World War II as a backdrop.
[about Rick]
Major Strasser: You give him credit for too much cleverness. My impression was that he's just another blundering American.
Captain Renault: We musn't underestimate "American blundering". I was with them when they "blundered" into Berlin in 1918.
Thanks for the query. Whom cares, eh? Er, who cares?
Major Strasser: You give him credit for too much cleverness. My impression was that he's just another blundering American.
Captain Renault: We musn't underestimate "American blundering". I was with them when they "blundered" into Berlin in 1918.
Thanks for the query. Whom cares, eh? Er, who cares?
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
"Dear Cat"
Update time:
Ohio State is the new champion of college football. With a 3rd string quarterback to boot. Congrats to Urban Meyer.
Petrol or as we say in the U.S. ( gasoline ) is under the $2.00 mark. In my neck of the woods anyway. Who would have ever thunk it?
I played poker tonight at the "Half Shell" in Newnan, just outside of Golden Pond. Where they claim to have the best chili dogs in town. They are all right by me, but the prissy folks claim the food is nasty-not up to par. How can you mess up a hot dog? And the brunswick stew is much better than its counterpart at Smokey Bones. The latter establishment evokes the age old question: "where's the beef ?" Or pork in this case.
Anyway, I was victorious-got some good hands at advangeous times. Won a $10.00 gift certificate-ain't life grand?
"Sex, sin, beer and wine; we're the class of '69" was our mantra back in the not so halcyon days of a time long long ago. As for my involvement: sex-only my hairdresser knows for sure-; sin-yes, I sinned; beer-yes, I indulged with my usual suspect of friends; and wine-yes, we partook in that activity as well. Mogan David was made in our neighborhood, and we, as young schoolboys, supported their business plan. More about price ( low ) than a sense of loyalty to our local bottlers.
My birthday was the day after Christmas. Happy 63 ( ouch ) to me.
2015? Already? Time flies when yer havin' fun! Eh?
I worked Christmas Eve; New Years Eve; and New Years Day!
The NFL is nearing Super Bowl Sunday. It's down to the Pack, Seahawks, Pats, and Colts.
Because I'm getting weary and "The Case of the Lonely Eloper" ( Perry Mason ) is on tv, the author of this foray will bid adieu.
Gimme shelter et al.
Ohio State is the new champion of college football. With a 3rd string quarterback to boot. Congrats to Urban Meyer.
Petrol or as we say in the U.S. ( gasoline ) is under the $2.00 mark. In my neck of the woods anyway. Who would have ever thunk it?
I played poker tonight at the "Half Shell" in Newnan, just outside of Golden Pond. Where they claim to have the best chili dogs in town. They are all right by me, but the prissy folks claim the food is nasty-not up to par. How can you mess up a hot dog? And the brunswick stew is much better than its counterpart at Smokey Bones. The latter establishment evokes the age old question: "where's the beef ?" Or pork in this case.
Anyway, I was victorious-got some good hands at advangeous times. Won a $10.00 gift certificate-ain't life grand?
"Sex, sin, beer and wine; we're the class of '69" was our mantra back in the not so halcyon days of a time long long ago. As for my involvement: sex-only my hairdresser knows for sure-; sin-yes, I sinned; beer-yes, I indulged with my usual suspect of friends; and wine-yes, we partook in that activity as well. Mogan David was made in our neighborhood, and we, as young schoolboys, supported their business plan. More about price ( low ) than a sense of loyalty to our local bottlers.
My birthday was the day after Christmas. Happy 63 ( ouch ) to me.
2015? Already? Time flies when yer havin' fun! Eh?
I worked Christmas Eve; New Years Eve; and New Years Day!
The NFL is nearing Super Bowl Sunday. It's down to the Pack, Seahawks, Pats, and Colts.
Because I'm getting weary and "The Case of the Lonely Eloper" ( Perry Mason ) is on tv, the author of this foray will bid adieu.
Gimme shelter et al.
Friday, November 07, 2014
"Update"
San Fran beat the Royals. In the World Series. It was a serious series. Seriously.
I won again at Y Knots. I beat Kevin heads up. This time the prize was $30. Not 500. Seriously, as we had a serious series of hands.
It's getting colder and the "it's colder than a witch's titty" comes to mind. Global warming anyone? Let's have a serious conversation and dialogue around the country. Libs believe there's a threat, and conservatives discount the notion. What else is new?
The ebola panic has died down.
Seriously sharp cheese is made by Cabot. Seriously.
I would love to compose a "Dear Cat." Seriously. Not sure I can still do it.
Dear Cat: The election was Tuesday. Did you vote? The Repubs had a grand day. Winning the Senate. Ga.'s David Perdue won over Michelle Nunn, she of political lineage ( Sam Nunn ); and Nathan Deal defeated Jason Carter. Jimma Carter anyone? What was your take? Signed: And whatever happened to Billy Beer?
Dear Billy Beer: I voted but only God and the voting booth know what candidates garnered my votes. Do I color my hair at age 62? Only my hairdresser knows for sure. Yes, I was surprised by the elections. But there's a texas hold 'em tournament tonight at YKnots, so I don't have time to pontificate. Seriously.
"Fit as a fiddle" and "full as a tick" were expressions I heard as a kid. Needless to say, you don't hear these any longer.
Time to end the update.
Gimme shelter!
I won again at Y Knots. I beat Kevin heads up. This time the prize was $30. Not 500. Seriously, as we had a serious series of hands.
It's getting colder and the "it's colder than a witch's titty" comes to mind. Global warming anyone? Let's have a serious conversation and dialogue around the country. Libs believe there's a threat, and conservatives discount the notion. What else is new?
The ebola panic has died down.
Seriously sharp cheese is made by Cabot. Seriously.
I would love to compose a "Dear Cat." Seriously. Not sure I can still do it.
Dear Cat: The election was Tuesday. Did you vote? The Repubs had a grand day. Winning the Senate. Ga.'s David Perdue won over Michelle Nunn, she of political lineage ( Sam Nunn ); and Nathan Deal defeated Jason Carter. Jimma Carter anyone? What was your take? Signed: And whatever happened to Billy Beer?
Dear Billy Beer: I voted but only God and the voting booth know what candidates garnered my votes. Do I color my hair at age 62? Only my hairdresser knows for sure. Yes, I was surprised by the elections. But there's a texas hold 'em tournament tonight at YKnots, so I don't have time to pontificate. Seriously.
"Fit as a fiddle" and "full as a tick" were expressions I heard as a kid. Needless to say, you don't hear these any longer.
Time to end the update.
Gimme shelter!
Wednesday, October 01, 2014
Wazzup
Time for ketchup and pass the grey poupon.
Kudos to the KC Royals for outlasting the Oakland A's in extra innings.
I have now become obsessed with "Forensic Files." Are people that devious and stupid to think they can get away with murder.
The Braves suck as usual and didn't make the playoffs. Gone is Frank Wren, the gm, and the hitting coach resigned today. Freddi Gonzalez should be looking for a new job....and soon.
Gordon Ramsey is a pompous puck. But his shows are entertaining.
Old Betsy. my Buick Park Avenue, has a new sister. Haven't named her yet, but she is a Buick LeSabre. 2005 model which suits and fits my 6 foot 5 inch frame just fine.
Winning the lottery has evaded me. So trips around the worls, villas on the Mediterranean, and charitable donations are on hold....for the moment. 1 in 80 zillion aren't the best odds.
Pat yourself on the back: yours truly ousted 64 contestants in the Ga Poker Nights monthly tournament.
And won $500 smackers. Humble to a fault I outplayed my last adversary. Beat him like a drum-he didn't know what hit him.
Big as all cuffy is an expression my mom used a lot. Meaning you're a pompus puck.
Piccadilly Cafeteria keeps airing ads on the boob tube. Nuff said. Thanks for the mammaries.
Farewell and adieu. The poupon is delish.
P.S. Please pass the jelly.
Kudos to the KC Royals for outlasting the Oakland A's in extra innings.
I have now become obsessed with "Forensic Files." Are people that devious and stupid to think they can get away with murder.
The Braves suck as usual and didn't make the playoffs. Gone is Frank Wren, the gm, and the hitting coach resigned today. Freddi Gonzalez should be looking for a new job....and soon.
Gordon Ramsey is a pompous puck. But his shows are entertaining.
Old Betsy. my Buick Park Avenue, has a new sister. Haven't named her yet, but she is a Buick LeSabre. 2005 model which suits and fits my 6 foot 5 inch frame just fine.
Winning the lottery has evaded me. So trips around the worls, villas on the Mediterranean, and charitable donations are on hold....for the moment. 1 in 80 zillion aren't the best odds.
Pat yourself on the back: yours truly ousted 64 contestants in the Ga Poker Nights monthly tournament.
And won $500 smackers. Humble to a fault I outplayed my last adversary. Beat him like a drum-he didn't know what hit him.
Big as all cuffy is an expression my mom used a lot. Meaning you're a pompus puck.
Piccadilly Cafeteria keeps airing ads on the boob tube. Nuff said. Thanks for the mammaries.
Farewell and adieu. The poupon is delish.
P.S. Please pass the jelly.
Friday, August 15, 2014
"Dear Rock"
Thanks for stopping by. I'm taking a break from writing....as you can see. I have been busy with other things and haven't taken the time to put anything on here.
I'm hanging in there. Hope you're doing fine. I saw where the Westmoreland Piccadilly has shut its doors. It had been in business since 1959.
I became aware of this thanks to pictruandtru via Facebook.
If I could get my Picasa up and running perhaps I could get engaged again.
I have just been working, watching Forensic Files, and playing Texas Hold 'Em at the bars around Golden Pond.
Thanks again for stopping by. Farewell and adieu, Cat
I'm hanging in there. Hope you're doing fine. I saw where the Westmoreland Piccadilly has shut its doors. It had been in business since 1959.
I became aware of this thanks to pictruandtru via Facebook.
If I could get my Picasa up and running perhaps I could get engaged again.
I have just been working, watching Forensic Files, and playing Texas Hold 'Em at the bars around Golden Pond.
Thanks again for stopping by. Farewell and adieu, Cat
Thursday, February 13, 2014
"Pax the Storm" Rejected Titles
Pax is the name of the storm that crippled the southeast and is now causing havoc in the northeast. I'm wondering where the name Pax originated. After some investigative research, it was learned that these names were rejected. All prospective names had to begin with a p.
1) Pickahilly. Rejected. Pickahilly seemed too insensitive to those finding traction impossible on the slippery slopes.
2) Phart. Rejected. As we all know carbon monoxide and emission controls emit an onerous smell. Similar to a Poot, which was also rejected for obvious reasons.
3) Prawns. Rejected. Too prissy for the general public. Especially for those who say sce-nar-io instead of sce-nair-io.
4) Prissy. Rejected. Too many of the on-air commentators are prissy,and it may have distracted the viewing public. Were they talking about themselves or the storm?
5) Pimple. Rejected. For obvious reasons, Zit was considered until realized it began with a z.
6)Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. Rejected. Copyright laws forbade the name. and the prissy commentators may have had trouble with the infamous tongue twisters.
7) Pi. Rejected. More confusion. Are we talking pie or pir2?
8) Pneumonia. Rejected. Viewers would expect the p to be pronounced in keeping with the "p" directives.
9) PhillyPhanatic. Rejected. Non baseball fans wouldn't get it.
10) Pear. Rejected, Avocado pear or bartlett pear. And what does either have to do with a storm?
1) Pickahilly. Rejected. Pickahilly seemed too insensitive to those finding traction impossible on the slippery slopes.
2) Phart. Rejected. As we all know carbon monoxide and emission controls emit an onerous smell. Similar to a Poot, which was also rejected for obvious reasons.
3) Prawns. Rejected. Too prissy for the general public. Especially for those who say sce-nar-io instead of sce-nair-io.
4) Prissy. Rejected. Too many of the on-air commentators are prissy,and it may have distracted the viewing public. Were they talking about themselves or the storm?
5) Pimple. Rejected. For obvious reasons, Zit was considered until realized it began with a z.
6)Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers. Rejected. Copyright laws forbade the name. and the prissy commentators may have had trouble with the infamous tongue twisters.
7) Pi. Rejected. More confusion. Are we talking pie or pir2?
8) Pneumonia. Rejected. Viewers would expect the p to be pronounced in keeping with the "p" directives.
9) PhillyPhanatic. Rejected. Non baseball fans wouldn't get it.
10) Pear. Rejected, Avocado pear or bartlett pear. And what does either have to do with a storm?
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
:It's Colder than the Proverbial Witch's Titty"
Yep. I'm reminded of yesteryear when it was always cold in the winter. Lately, the winter's have been mild. Not this year. Brrrrrr!
So a post from yesteryear is in order. Here goes!!
So a post from yesteryear is in order. Here goes!!
"Another Post From Yesteryear: Circa 2006 or 2005"
"Global Warming"
I have no idea if global warming exists. I'm too busy writing infantile forays "On Golden Pond" to know. Or to find out. And how do you find out? My sister, Olga, believes there is global warming. My brother-in-law, Francois, believes in global warming. And he's a conservative.
And, Shirley, Hillary Clinton, Bill, John Kerry, Michael Moore, and followers of their ilk believe in g.w.
I wonder how they know. What info are they privy, too, that I don't know.
From last year, here's my take on global warming:
posted by vietnamcatfish at 9:10 PM 2 comments
Saturday, January 22, 2005
Thank God for Global Warming!
The weather outside is frightful
But inside it's so delightful.
Bangor, Maine is reporting temps of 29 below. Thank goodness for global warming. Or the poor souls of the northeast corner would REALLY be freezing their asses off. And the rest of the northeast is under a winter weather advisory. Must be an aberration, eh? Shirley, by next week, the world will return to normal and the polar icecaps will continue to melt as they make their assaults on Mother Earth.
Is it too late to swear in John Kerry? I-among others including Senator Boxer-demand a recount. Those poor disenfranchised voters who had to wait in long lines. And who had to give up the fight because their asses were cold, er,their legs hurt.
Damn, CBS, er, Fox news is showing the blizzard conditions in New York City. 3 feet of snow is expected. And Cleveland, Ohio, home to some of the d.v's. Snowing like crazy. "Nasty, nasty night" in Philadelphia claims the savvy Fox reporter doing an on-location "live" report. 16 degrees is expected at game time for tomorrow's NFL showdown.
In fact, the weather is "The Big Story" on Fox. And it's bad in Washington, D.C. as well. Thank goodness for global warming. Can you imagine the mess we'd be in tonite without it? I shudder [ pun unintended ] to think of the implications.
Uh oh. Here comes the obligatory "don't go out unless you have to." They've got to be kidding. Only an idiot would travel those roads. And idiots don't pay heed to advisories so what's the point.
Global warming? Thank you oh omnipotent force. And may its force be with you. As your freezing your asses off.
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. Opting to go and get in my warm bed instead of engaging in postscripts, so's I'll have some ass left.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
"Happy Thanksgiving"
I am late in writing what I'm thankful for. Here goes:
I am thankful for the classic movies from yesteryear. Specifically, the black and white ones from back inna day. Casablanca, the Maltese Falcon, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon come to mind.
I am thankful for my barber. Even tho he's in his twenties, we share some interests. From the Fab 4 to Texas Hold'Em.
I am thankful for old Betsy, my Buick Park Avenue circa 1997. She's roomy which fits my 6'5 inch frame just right. She's showing her age. The paint, which is flaking especially in her rear, has fielded a few comments that perhaps old Betsy could be featured in an ad for Chick Fil-A. Ouch. Needless to say, it hurt her feelings. Mine too.
I am thankful for Chicago, not the city, but the band. They are now my favorite band-well, second place-cos nobody compares to the Fab 4. For them not to be in the R/R HOF is a travesty.
I am thankful for my two sons.
I am thankful for Rock, who peruses my forays into the infantile on a daily basis.
I am thankful to have missed the Thanksgiving Holidays via a well-known cafeteria chain. Nuff said.
I must have worked at least 25 years ( inna row ) on TGiving.
I am thankful for James Bond via Sean Connery. And the soundtracks that accompanied the movies.
I am thankful for da Stones and their creation of "Gimme Shelter." A tune that would help give me inspiration to write those forays into the mercantile, er, infantile back-where else-inna day.
I am thankful for Larry Bird and the Celtics of the 80's. McHale, Parrish, DJ et al. And that I got to watch their playoff struggles.
I am thankful for old Betsy's mama, whose name happened to be old Betsy as well. She was an 86 olds 98, and the only car I've ever had that had some git up and go. RIP old betsy's mom old betsy.
I am last but not least thankful for Golden Pond, my blog of almost ten years. A chronicle and diary of my pursuits, dreams, and failures.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
I am thankful for the classic movies from yesteryear. Specifically, the black and white ones from back inna day. Casablanca, the Maltese Falcon, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon come to mind.
I am thankful for my barber. Even tho he's in his twenties, we share some interests. From the Fab 4 to Texas Hold'Em.
I am thankful for old Betsy, my Buick Park Avenue circa 1997. She's roomy which fits my 6'5 inch frame just right. She's showing her age. The paint, which is flaking especially in her rear, has fielded a few comments that perhaps old Betsy could be featured in an ad for Chick Fil-A. Ouch. Needless to say, it hurt her feelings. Mine too.
I am thankful for Chicago, not the city, but the band. They are now my favorite band-well, second place-cos nobody compares to the Fab 4. For them not to be in the R/R HOF is a travesty.
I am thankful for my two sons.
I am thankful for Rock, who peruses my forays into the infantile on a daily basis.
I am thankful to have missed the Thanksgiving Holidays via a well-known cafeteria chain. Nuff said.
I must have worked at least 25 years ( inna row ) on TGiving.
I am thankful for James Bond via Sean Connery. And the soundtracks that accompanied the movies.
I am thankful for da Stones and their creation of "Gimme Shelter." A tune that would help give me inspiration to write those forays into the mercantile, er, infantile back-where else-inna day.
I am thankful for Larry Bird and the Celtics of the 80's. McHale, Parrish, DJ et al. And that I got to watch their playoff struggles.
I am thankful for old Betsy's mama, whose name happened to be old Betsy as well. She was an 86 olds 98, and the only car I've ever had that had some git up and go. RIP old betsy's mom old betsy.
I am last but not least thankful for Golden Pond, my blog of almost ten years. A chronicle and diary of my pursuits, dreams, and failures.
Gimme shelter, v.c.
Monday, October 28, 2013
"Stella Lieback"
I noticed Stella Lieback is mentioned in my most viewed top ten at the top of Golden Pond. The 7th Voyage of Sinbad is a new entry as well.
I'm wondering "who in Hades is Stella Lieback?" I had to click on it-to find out who this ignominious person was or is. Lo and behold, she is the infamous "McDonalds Coffee Lady" who was awarded millions of dollars. For injuries incurred while buying hot java.
I'm sure she is enjoying heaven's coffee now. Good to the last drop.
P.S. The Bosox just won game 5 of the World Series. They are now up 3-2. And whatever happened to the curse of the bambino? Will it rear its ugly head in the near future?
P.S.S. The Braves, via Atlanta, whiffed again in the playoffs. Nuff said, eh?
P.S.S.S. The original post from 2005 concerning Ms. Lieback.
I'm wondering "who in Hades is Stella Lieback?" I had to click on it-to find out who this ignominious person was or is. Lo and behold, she is the infamous "McDonalds Coffee Lady" who was awarded millions of dollars. For injuries incurred while buying hot java.
I'm sure she is enjoying heaven's coffee now. Good to the last drop.
P.S. The Bosox just won game 5 of the World Series. They are now up 3-2. And whatever happened to the curse of the bambino? Will it rear its ugly head in the near future?
P.S.S. The Braves, via Atlanta, whiffed again in the playoffs. Nuff said, eh?
P.S.S.S. The original post from 2005 concerning Ms. Lieback.
Friday, October 04, 2013
How to Make the Proper Burrito Gone Viral
Is there anything more frustrating than a bad burrito?
Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.
In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.
In an article titled, “Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:
Top Photo Courtesy of Medium
Sure, it takes some skill (very little) to make a good burrito, but it’s not freakin’ rocket science! There’s a correct way and a completely incorrect way, and this angry writer clearly had it made the wrong way.
In this hilarious rant, a writer by the name of Lucky Shirt breaks down exactly why a recent burrito he had was made completely wrong. He pretty much tears this guy a bigger assh*le than one of his own burritos could ever do.
In an article titled, “Dear Guy Who Just Made My Burrito,” he writes:
“Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.”Check out the rest of the hilarious rant, and pray you never receive a burrito that upsets you this much.
Top Photo Courtesy of Medium
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On a lighter note, the Braves looked like the Braves of the 2000's last night. Will the Braves win a game. Prediction: Braves win this series!
On a lighter note, the Braves looked like the Braves of the 2000's last night. Will the Braves win a game. Prediction: Braves win this series!
Tuesday, October 01, 2013
Go Braves
It's that time of the year....again. Playoff time. Will there be success for the Bravos, or will it be more of the same? More heart wrenching defeats.
Our opponent in this series is the Los Angeles Dodgers, Where in Chavez Ravine, it seems you take your life into your own hands while viewing and exiting the games. We're the underdogs, even tho we have home field advantage.
The Braves and Dodgers had a heated rivalry back in the early 80's. When Joltin' Joe Torre was the skipper for Hotlanta, and Tommy Lasorda managed the men in blue. But as Neil Young once penned: "time fades away," and that's what happened between the two clubs.
Instead of Dusty Baker, Ron "Penguin" Cey, Steve Garvey, Steve Howe and Steve Sux, er, Sax, vs.
"Whiskers" Glenn Hubbard, Dale Murphy, Rick Camp, and Knucksie this time it's Clayton Kershaw, Hyun-jinRyu, and Yasiel Puig vs Freddie Freeman, Brian McCann, Greg Kimbrel, and the Upton brothers. With Terry Pendleton as the Beaver, uh, the hot headed first base coach.
Who'd a thunk it?
Clayton Kershaw is not a baseball name. With that moniker he should be selling mutual funds. Hyun-jin Ryu sounds like something in the bottom of your egg drop soup, and Yasiel Puig, an animal best cooked outdoors and in the ground.
It all starts Thursday. Kershaw vs. Medlen. I will be awaiting the series with baited breath.
Will it be more of the same, or is the World Series in our future?
Our opponent in this series is the Los Angeles Dodgers, Where in Chavez Ravine, it seems you take your life into your own hands while viewing and exiting the games. We're the underdogs, even tho we have home field advantage.
The Braves and Dodgers had a heated rivalry back in the early 80's. When Joltin' Joe Torre was the skipper for Hotlanta, and Tommy Lasorda managed the men in blue. But as Neil Young once penned: "time fades away," and that's what happened between the two clubs.
Instead of Dusty Baker, Ron "Penguin" Cey, Steve Garvey, Steve Howe and Steve Sux, er, Sax, vs.
"Whiskers" Glenn Hubbard, Dale Murphy, Rick Camp, and Knucksie this time it's Clayton Kershaw, Hyun-jinRyu, and Yasiel Puig vs Freddie Freeman, Brian McCann, Greg Kimbrel, and the Upton brothers. With Terry Pendleton as the Beaver, uh, the hot headed first base coach.
Who'd a thunk it?
Clayton Kershaw is not a baseball name. With that moniker he should be selling mutual funds. Hyun-jin Ryu sounds like something in the bottom of your egg drop soup, and Yasiel Puig, an animal best cooked outdoors and in the ground.
It all starts Thursday. Kershaw vs. Medlen. I will be awaiting the series with baited breath.
Will it be more of the same, or is the World Series in our future?
Sunday, September 15, 2013
"Ketchup" and "Trivia"
I just don't have the time to concoct forays into the infantile like I once did. We misses it we do. It's me precious. Or something like that.
Anyhoo. The Falcons play against the Rams today. Looking for our first victory of the season-including the preseason. Methinks we do it.
Johnny Football was unable to pull a hare out of his butt-rabbit out of his hat-in losing to the Tide yesterday. I'm waiting with baited breath for the SEC championship game where the Dawgs demolish the Crimson.
My pick for the Super Bowl. The NY Jets, of course. Maybe we should rethink this one.
Forays into the infantile was coined by yours truly. Speaking of coinage, my son reminded me that he once worked with me on a Rowdy Kids Nite at Hell Whole back in the day. And it was definitely rowdy every Thursday nite. And whatever happened to Briggs, my dm. A man's got to know his limitations.
Speaking of Briggs, here's an old story from back in the day-written by yours truly while helping out Alan Smithee, who happened to be an alias of mine.
vietnamcatfish • Oct 24, 2003 11:29
Chili Today/Hot Tamale II.Brought to you this week by v.c., subbing for Alan Smithee, who is currently engaged with his gig at Cat's Potpurri in N'awlins. Alan's recreation of the Elvis phenomena has been a huge suckcess. Alan secretly confided in me that his set includes "I Got Stung," "In the Ghetto," and "Heartbreak Hotel." Without further pomp and circumstance, here's yet another edition of the Alan Smithee Trivia Challenge.
Here goes!
1) What is R juice?
a) a last-ditch attempt to save the company by Ronnie, before he embraced change. Selling for $.99 and appearing with his likeness on the bottle, R juice, a cornucopia of fruits, was to be sold at Pic's everywhere in the USA.
b) Short for Rowdy juice. Invented by v.c. and to be sold only to kids.
c) another idea stolen from v.c. Another entry into the cola wars.
d) au jus
2) The song, "It's Only The > Beginning," was written by
a) Chicago Transit Authority
b) Curly Joe Howard
c) Count Lippe
d) Jack MacGregor
3) Who has repeated this phrase the most often? source Guiness Book of World Records. 10-12 pound turkey, two quarts of dressing, a quart of giblet gravy, and a pint of frozen, er, cranberry sauce!
a) hootsbuddie
b) Joe Cocker
c) Betty Crocker
d) alan smithee
4) Hoots has introduced the bored to many in a series of weblogs. He failed to mention his own. What is its name?
a) Hoots the archivester
b) Blogged down
c) got lubys
d) Hoots' Blogna
5) Who recently ribbed his ex fellow team member by using the stereotypical and politically incorrect watermelon and fried chicken? And quickly found himself in a heap of trouble. Was it?:
a) Junior Seau
b) Tom Tryon
c) Buster Crabbe
d) Hoss Cartwright
e) didacticdaddy
7) Who wrote "Stray Cat Blues?"
a) Brian Setzer
b) Auric Goldfinger
c) Gram Parsons
d) vietnamcatfish
8) If your health insurance doubles at work what is the best course of action?
a) buy a few more bottles of KY jelly
b) marry a school teacher
c) find another job
d) rent the movie "Goldfinger" at your local blockbuster and ask if they sell lubricants as well.
9) Which process is the most unsanitary?
a) storing raw chicken over cooked foods
b) not washing your hands after using the bathroom
c) discreetly picking your nose after uttering the phrase, "Serve You?"
d) preparing cornbread dressing in a bambareen ( bain marie )
10) With talks of bankruptcy, chapter 11 filing, et al what current movie aptly reflects the mood of the denizens of PIC.
a) Cabin Fever
b) Lost in Translation
c) House of the Dead
d) Intolerable Cruelty
e) Mambo Italiano
f) Matchstick Men
g) Louisiana Chainsaw Massacre h) all of the above
11) What really brought down the PIC as well as the Bosox?
a) Not selling chicken tenders to kids
b) Too much beef liver and onions
c) curse of the bambino
d) curse of the bambareeno
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. You may now disembark the nite train. All laborde P.S.S. And for Alan and his bridge over troubled waters.... ..
Anyhoo. The Falcons play against the Rams today. Looking for our first victory of the season-including the preseason. Methinks we do it.
Johnny Football was unable to pull a hare out of his butt-rabbit out of his hat-in losing to the Tide yesterday. I'm waiting with baited breath for the SEC championship game where the Dawgs demolish the Crimson.
My pick for the Super Bowl. The NY Jets, of course. Maybe we should rethink this one.
Forays into the infantile was coined by yours truly. Speaking of coinage, my son reminded me that he once worked with me on a Rowdy Kids Nite at Hell Whole back in the day. And it was definitely rowdy every Thursday nite. And whatever happened to Briggs, my dm. A man's got to know his limitations.
Speaking of Briggs, here's an old story from back in the day-written by yours truly while helping out Alan Smithee, who happened to be an alias of mine.
vietnamcatfish • Oct 24, 2003 11:29
Chili Today/Hot Tamale II.Brought to you this week by v.c., subbing for Alan Smithee, who is currently engaged with his gig at Cat's Potpurri in N'awlins. Alan's recreation of the Elvis phenomena has been a huge suckcess. Alan secretly confided in me that his set includes "I Got Stung," "In the Ghetto," and "Heartbreak Hotel." Without further pomp and circumstance, here's yet another edition of the Alan Smithee Trivia Challenge.
Here goes!
1) What is R juice?
a) a last-ditch attempt to save the company by Ronnie, before he embraced change. Selling for $.99 and appearing with his likeness on the bottle, R juice, a cornucopia of fruits, was to be sold at Pic's everywhere in the USA.
b) Short for Rowdy juice. Invented by v.c. and to be sold only to kids.
c) another idea stolen from v.c. Another entry into the cola wars.
d) au jus
2) The song, "It's Only The > Beginning," was written by
a) Chicago Transit Authority
b) Curly Joe Howard
c) Count Lippe
d) Jack MacGregor
3) Who has repeated this phrase the most often? source Guiness Book of World Records. 10-12 pound turkey, two quarts of dressing, a quart of giblet gravy, and a pint of frozen, er, cranberry sauce!
a) hootsbuddie
b) Joe Cocker
c) Betty Crocker
d) alan smithee
4) Hoots has introduced the bored to many in a series of weblogs. He failed to mention his own. What is its name?
a) Hoots the archivester
b) Blogged down
c) got lubys
d) Hoots' Blogna
5) Who recently ribbed his ex fellow team member by using the stereotypical and politically incorrect watermelon and fried chicken? And quickly found himself in a heap of trouble. Was it?:
a) Junior Seau
b) Tom Tryon
c) Buster Crabbe
d) Hoss Cartwright
e) didacticdaddy
7) Who wrote "Stray Cat Blues?"
a) Brian Setzer
b) Auric Goldfinger
c) Gram Parsons
d) vietnamcatfish
8) If your health insurance doubles at work what is the best course of action?
a) buy a few more bottles of KY jelly
b) marry a school teacher
c) find another job
d) rent the movie "Goldfinger" at your local blockbuster and ask if they sell lubricants as well.
9) Which process is the most unsanitary?
a) storing raw chicken over cooked foods
b) not washing your hands after using the bathroom
c) discreetly picking your nose after uttering the phrase, "Serve You?"
d) preparing cornbread dressing in a bambareen ( bain marie )
10) With talks of bankruptcy, chapter 11 filing, et al what current movie aptly reflects the mood of the denizens of PIC.
a) Cabin Fever
b) Lost in Translation
c) House of the Dead
d) Intolerable Cruelty
e) Mambo Italiano
f) Matchstick Men
g) Louisiana Chainsaw Massacre h) all of the above
11) What really brought down the PIC as well as the Bosox?
a) Not selling chicken tenders to kids
b) Too much beef liver and onions
c) curse of the bambino
d) curse of the bambareeno
Farewell and adieu, v.c.
P.S. You may now disembark the nite train. All laborde P.S.S. And for Alan and his bridge over troubled waters.... ..
Friday, August 30, 2013
Welcome Back Slippery
Glad to have you back on the Pond, Slippery. You were missed.
Thanks for the kind words. The exchange between me and Keith was somewhat factual. We would have those conversations every night at bedtime. Because we were full of testosterone and were reaching our sexual peak, we were always enamored with the likes of Ms. December, Ms. August, and Ms. Whoever.
Good talking to you on the phone. We should get together and relive old times. And reminisce of Victory, Dixie ( which might not be pc these days ) slippery gentlemen, up up and away, peanut vendor, and while we're at it, a good old John Phillip Sousa march.
And Beethoven's 5th symphony in 1/1 time.
Gimme Shelter, v.c.
Thanks for the kind words. The exchange between me and Keith was somewhat factual. We would have those conversations every night at bedtime. Because we were full of testosterone and were reaching our sexual peak, we were always enamored with the likes of Ms. December, Ms. August, and Ms. Whoever.
Good talking to you on the phone. We should get together and relive old times. And reminisce of Victory, Dixie ( which might not be pc these days ) slippery gentlemen, up up and away, peanut vendor, and while we're at it, a good old John Phillip Sousa march.
And Beethoven's 5th symphony in 1/1 time.
Gimme Shelter, v.c.
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